Everyone knows women find it harder to orgasm than men do. Here's a rundown of the reasons why, and how to increase your chances of enjoying hassle-free sex like he does

You just don't feel like it

1. Pinpoint exactly what's happening

Temporary lack of desire means you normally love sex but are just going through an 'off period'. Long-term lack of desire means passion hasn't lived at your house for quite some time. Low sensation means you want sex but your body doesn't, refusing to respond physically to erotic arousal of the brain. Your genitals remain dry and you've got a low sensitivity to touch and sensation on your clitoris and vaginal area.

If you're suffering from low sensation, head for your doctor and ask for a referral to a good gynecologist for a full check-up. The problem is usually physically based with common culprits being pelvic surgery like hysterectomy, high blood pressure, smoking, high cholesterol, hormonal changes like having a baby and medications.

Temporary lack of desire can usually be pinpointed to a specific event if you think hard enough. Apart from the obvious things like having a baby, there's stress (new job, new house), exhaustion, the death of a loved one, tension in your relationship and any one of a number of things which make you feel less than wonderful. If you can identify a specific event, the solution usually presents itself along with the realisation. If you're really stressed rethink your priorities and if you're grieving, give yourself time to heal.

If you haven't felt sexual for a year or more and have no idea why, that's when you need to sit up and pay attention. And be truthful. The first and most likely reason you're not turned on is you're in the wrong relationship or your partner's a bad lover. By far the biggest obstacle between us and the 'Big O' is a partner who hasn't the first idea about how to get us there. I'm happy to report, however, that with some open, honest communication and education about what you need to orgasm, this can be solved.

Are you subconsciously withholding sex?

A tad more disturbing is realising the problem is not your partner's technique but the fact you simply don't fancy him. While there are plenty of ways to try to spice up your sex life, it's unlikely you'll be waking the neighbours if the thrill is simply gone. The solution to that - deciding whether to leave or stay in a sexless relationship - is something I'm going to leave with you, I'm afraid. There are so many individual factors, only you can decide that one!

Sex is a powerful bargaining tool in relationships. If your partner's always been sex mad, withdrawing his main source of pleasure if he's not behaving out of bed can be tremendously satisfying. Sometimes, particularly if you're angry, you're aware you are doing it. Other times, if you're deeply hurt, it happens on an unconscious level. Sex problems are rarely just about sex, they're usually a sign the relationship's a bit wobbly.

On the positive side

Equally as common and just as destructive to your sex life is when you become too close to your partner. How was sex in the beginning? If it was good and you're still attracted to him, if not lusting after him, intimacy is rudely pushing passion aside. It's ironic that the couples who have the closest, soul-mate connection often have the worst sex lives. A crucial ingredient to having good long-term sex is novelty. If you've become matching bookends with the same tastes and views, that's hard to achieve.

Couples who push each other out of their comfort zones, challenging each other to try new things and see things from a different point of view, tend to get on better in the bedroom. A few other things to consider:

• Rule out medical causes: First, have a full medical consultation to assess your lifestyle, general health, medication and hormone levels.
• Desire is a decision: It doesn't just happen; you have to make it happen. Accept responsibility for your own arousal. Work out what turns you on and do it. Spontaneous lust happens easily in the beginning, but not so easily later on.
• Make a weekly date for sex: This is a minimum target. Also make three other dates (an hour each time) to simply spend time together outside the bedroom. Put these dates at the top of your priority list, not last on the list. When the time comes, make an effort to enthusiastically participate, and you might find you enjoy it as much as he does!
• Don't play the blame game: Just because your partner wants to get horizontal with you does not mean he is bordering on sex addiction. It's a compliment! Fight the 'Why should I do something I don't want to do?' stubbornness. Instead, try everything in your power to make sex a pleasure, not a chore.

2. You're having orgasmless sex

Pinpoint the Problem

If you're pre-orgasmic you've never had an orgasm, if you're anorgasmic you're able to orgasm through masturbation but not able to have one with your partner. Which one are you?

Never, ever had one?

The first thing to do is experiment with a vibrator. Almost all women can orgasm this way and you'll have an idea of what you're aiming for. After teaching yourself to orgasm using a vibrator. Simply hold it over the clitoral area with your vaginal lips closed, it's then a matter of training yourself to masturbate with your fingers. Next, teach your partner how to do it and start experimenting with oral sex. The most reliable ways for women to orgasm are with a vibrator, his tongue or his fingers. Add personal lubricant - a big dollop - when masturbating and you'll notice a huge difference.

Some Tips:

• Educate yourself about your body: Buy some good, non-judgmental basic reference books, especially those which talk about masturbation and orgasms. The less educated you are about sex, the less likely you are to orgasm.
• Don't stop stimulation because you're worried you'll pee yourself: The first few times you orgasm, it does feel a bit like you're about to urinate. Trust me, you're not! Stop worrying, close your eyes and try to get past the feeling.
• Can't orgasm even with a vibrator? There could be deep, psychological factors at play, perhaps an early traumatic experience you don't remember but which is influencing you. Sometimes, our brain will 'hide' information from us if it thinks it's too painful to recall. Sounds clever, and it is to a point, but your brain isn't the only thing which remembers; your body does too. If you feel there's something wrong, but you're not sure what, or if you feel generally uncomfortable about sex, arrange to see a counselor or therapist.

You can orgasm just fine solo, you just can't do it with him

Welcome to a very big club. Seventy seven per cent of women find it easier to reach orgasm alone, rather than with a partner. Even those who work up the courage to show their partner the technique which does it for them, fall at the gate. Why? Because their partner doesn't do it for long enough and after requesting that he do it a certain way, it feels wrong to also demand he does it for longer.

But here's a newsflash: Studies show men actually prefer to be told what to do! The reason they stop way too soon is simply because it takes much less time for him to orgasm and he assumes you're the same. Tell him it can take up to 20 minutes to reach orgasm and he'll relax and settle in.

If you still can't orgasm without a vibrator, it's time for an introduction: 'Vibrator, meet [insert the name of your partner]. [Insert the name of your partner], meet my vibrator.' At first, you should hold it against your clitoris as he continues to stimulate you elsewhere: massaging breasts, kissing you, penetrating you with his fingers.

Once you both know you can orgasm by using the vibrator, the pressure is off. As he gets more practiced with the technique you like, take the vibrator out of your top drawer later and later into the sex session. Let him bring you closer and closer to orgasm without it and eventually you'll tip over the edge without having to use it at all. If you're worried he'll be threatened by a vibrator doing what he can't, suggest using a vibrating penis ring.

If you get stuck at the 'almost there' point, try switching stimulation as you've probably de-sensitised yourself. Try adding something new. If you're into anal stimulation, a well-lubricated finger delivered with sensitivity and timing could do the trick.

3. You secretly think sex is something bad or dirty

Most women learn how to orgasm through masturbation. If you come from a strict religious background or had parents who told you touching yourself was dirty and deviant, chances are you didn't masturbate. But it's never too late to start exploring your body! Take baby steps until you're at the point where you can bring yourself to orgasm.

Some other ideas:

• Educate yourself about sex. Read some good books and get your partner to do the same.
• Normalise sex by renaming it. Using a word your brain doesn't instantly associate with `bad? makes it less threatening. For instance, try calling sex 'having fun' (ahem).
• Stop worrying about what everyone thinks. We're worried that our partner will judge us. We're worried what our Mum might think if she saw us. Lighten up! Whenever you feel your thoughts go in this direction, fight it and refuse to let yourself go there.
• Give up the body image issues. So you're not perfect? Shock! Horror! Neither am I. And neither is anyone I know in real life (men included)! Get over it and do what men do: When you look in the mirror, focus on the good parts, not the bad.
• Examine your sexual past. What messages did you get from your parents about sex? What other past experiences have you had which could be affecting you now? Talk to trusted friends. Talk to your partner. Talk to a therapist if you'd like.
• Stay in the moment when you're having sex. Concentrate on feelings and sensations. If you feel your mind wander into negative territories drag it back. Open your eyes and watch if it keeps your mind on it. And don't make orgasm the focus. Just let yourself enjoy what's happening right then and there.