Extract from Raising a Happy Child, written by Steve and Sharon Biddulph

If you are a confident father from the moment your first child is born, then there's something wrong with you!

It's true that men often feel that they are supposed to 'know all the answers' and 'be ready for anything'. To be a kind of an SAS man - supercool-high-tech-genius-father. Well, I have news for you - it isn't like that.

Fatherhood is something you get the knack of slowly. It comes to you from hanging around your children as they grow up through all the ages and stages. You start out clueless, you make all kinds of mistakes, and then one day you realise you just got through a whole day with the kids without any real dramas. Everyone is fed, in bed, warm, safe and with all their fingers and toes intact. Like any kind of newly acquired competence, it's a good feeling.

One day, when you see a younger dad, unshaven and red-eyed, struggling with a baby plus a toddler in the high street, you can grin at him sympathetically, and think 'You'll get there mate!'

There are naturally some obstacles to arriving at this happy state. Your own childhood is probably the biggest of these. If your father lost his temper a lot, or never played with you, then don't make these your limitations too. In a heated moment you might find yourself yelling just the same stupid things your parents yelled at you when you were small.

Another danger is complacency - you get really used to your child being a four-year-old, and then all of a sudden they're eight! This continual stretching of your fatherly capacities is all how nature planned it. So don't worry - just stay humble and keep learning.

There are only two things to remember:

• you are truly important in the lives of your children
• you are human and so are your kids - so don't be too hard on them or yourself.

The difference fathers make

The body of research is vast and very clear in its conclusions that having a caring and involved father in the home improves children's chances in every aspect of their future lives. From doing well at school, staying out of trouble with the law, having a positive self image to getting a job and avoiding violence or teenage pregnancy - all these improve out of sight if you have a dad.

Good things for dads to try

• Start early. Get involved in baby care - this is a key time for relationship building. Caring for a baby triggers your fathering hormones and changes your life priorities. Spend some of your days off giving around-the-clock care to your baby and child, so you know you can do it all.
• Lighten up. Learn to enjoy your kids. Find things that you all enjoy to do. Take achievement pressure off your kids, but insist that they contribute in the home. Limit them to one or at most two sports or activities, so that you still have family time. Avoid competitiveness in any activity beyond what is good fun.
• Heavy down. Some fathers today are lightweight 'good-time' dads who leave all the hard stuff to their partners. Get involved in the decisions, supervise homework, kids' housework and discipline. Develop discipline that is calm but definite. Insist on respect, and make it mutual.
• Be warmer. Spend time hugging, holding and spending gentle time together telling stories or singing songs to them. Tell your kids how great they are. If you weren't given lots of affection as a child, now is the chance to learn.
• Don't do it alone. You have to have help. Join a group of friends, an organisation or sport group where adults and children having a good time together.
• Make time. If you work a 60-hour week, it will be almost impossible to cut it as a dad. Fathers need to get home in time to play, laugh, teach and tickle their children. Sometimes fathers find that the answer is to live on a lower income and be around their families more of the time.

When you are together, make good use of mealtimes and bedtimes to find out about each other's day. These are significant opportunities for reconnecting and listening to their adventures.

• Be a proud dad. Be proud of your children, and of the part you play in their lives.

Extracted from Raising a Happy Child, written by Steve and Sharon Biddulph (published by Dorling Kindersley). This book is available from 7 June 200.