Sue Atkins, iVillage's parenting expert, hosted a live online chat on 17 July, answering your questions about parenting problems. If you missed it, here is a selection of the topics that were covered

Obsessed with dummy

I gave my son a dummy when he was one month old to help cope with crying and now, 17 months later, he's still got it. I won't let him have it all day, but he is very attached to it.

He hides it around the flat and beetles off to retrieve one whenever he feels in need of comfort. If I take it away he's fine, but if he spots it he grunts, whinges and points until I give it to him. How can I get rid of the dummy?
tarabears

Sue Atkins: Dummies, bottles, teddy bears, soothers and cuddly toys, just like an old blanket, are really all about feeling a bit unsure in a busy world. My first piece of advice is to relax as children are so sensitive and are good at picking up your vibes. If you are relaxed then your child feels more relaxed and safe. So start by looking at new ways to help him feel more secure. Perhaps offer him his favourite toy instead of his dummy.

Some children like dummies when they're tired or anxious and some children suck their thumbs. It's about gently weaning your toddler off these things by perhaps 'losing' it occasionally or gradually limiting its use to bedtimes.

If your child kicks up a fuss breathe slowly and deeply and relax and just imagine a time sometime in the future when he doesn't have it and keep visualising that time. All children grow out of it eventually. Have you ever seen a 13-year-old with one?

Lots of parents have tried giving the dummy to Santa, The Easter Bunny or The Tooth Fairy and some exchange it for a really lovely special treat. One of my favourites is for the Dummy Fairy to come into his bedroom while he is sleeping and put a magic bag in his room. Then he can get up and put all the dummies into the bag and the Dummy Fairy can come back the next night and collect them all, replacing them with magical toys and sprinkling glitter everywhere. This takes you away from begging, pleading, bribing and harsh words.

Self-harming tantrums

I have two delightful children, one a daughter aged six and a boy of three. If my son wants something, or can't do something, or if I say anything wrong to him he throws himself into a heap and sulks. Distraction doesn't work one jot and with the best will in the world I can't always give in!

Sulking is one thing but he then starts slapping his head, banging his hand across his brow and marking himself. I have tried ignoring it but he still does it. I have wrapped him in my arms and explained gently that how it is ok to feel cross but that mummy would prefer he didn't hurt himself.

Yesterday he did it again and my daughter was trying to say to him in her wise six-year-old manner not to hit himself, so he started scratching his cheeks. I found this upsetting as he has never been treated this way by anyone in his life. I am beginning to wonder if he does have some little problem which needs addressing.

I have worked closely with children with special needs: physical, emotional and in abuse situations, and I am starting to think that my son has a problem. I have tried so many ways to stop him from hurting himself.
flower-mum

Sue Atkins: Handling and guiding children sometimes feels like disciplining jelly: wobbly with no set rules. It's tough trying to work out the best ways to handle your children as they are all so different. Toddlers and young children like to feel that they have some control over some areas of their lives and I just wondered whether this is your son's way to try and get some control over his environment. Here are some empowering questions that I hope will help you work out some new solutions:

• When does the troublesome behaviour occur? Notice specifically where, when, with whom and how it starts.
• What happens just before and just after?
• How do you behave? Step back and become an observer in the scene if you can as you can often get a real insight into what's happening from doing this.
• How could you prevent the behaviour or do something different from what you are currently doing? Just relax and let your imagination and unconscious work out new ways to handle the situation from now on.
• Start to notice what other parents do in similar situations and notice what works for them and try it with your son.
• What other resources could you tap into - books, internet, local groups to give you support or ideas?

Parenting kids, as you know, is not an exact science and I think it helps to relax and to remember to take care of yourself, not to be too hard on yourself either and not over react to his call for attention. Keep giving him lots of positive attention and praise and perhaps by keeping a temper diary you will notice some patterns that you can then start to change.

Saying sorry

I am CL the Feb 05 Mums Club, and we are currently debating the sorry/apology issue.

I am of the opinion that my son, who is almost two and a half, should apologise for deliberately bad behaviour, such as hitting another child, throwing a toy at my head or breaking something in a fit of temper.

I tend to either request an immediate apology, which we get 90 per cent of the time, or, if he is in raging tantrum mode, have a 'time out' for two minutes then request an apology to the injured party or me, followed by a hug and back to playing. We also accept a hug as an apology on its own.

The point that has been raised by some of our members is that there is no point in asking for an apology as they don't understand empathy so they can't give a true apology. I am of the mind set, that he doesn't fully understand 'please' and 'thank you' yet either (he frequently gets them the wrong way round) but I still expect him to use them. What are your thoughts on this?
cl-dreamteamgirl

Sue Atkins: Teaching children to be responsible for their actions starts whenever you want to start and is a good habit to develop in children as they learn the consequences of their actions. But, as you know, children are all different and mature and develop at different rates.

Apologising sounds an important value to you and I agree, but only you really know if he understands that concept yet, and over time he will. Just a thought, but does he think just saying sorry or giving a hug makes his behaviour OK?

Talking teenager

My daughter and I have always been close and she has mostly always told me everything but just lately we are finding it harder and harder to communicate. She thinks I don't understand her and she doesn?t realise I have been through it all and done it all! How can I 'talk teenager' again while still staying a parent?
kezza355

Sue Atkins: As a Mum of a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old I know how you feel. It's hard when things start to change. It's difficult to imagine that your daughter is growing up and wants a bit more privacy and independence.

I find teenagers like to talk when they like to talk, not usually when you want to talk or when it's a 'good time'. If you keep the lines of communication open, don't probe too deeply but always appear gently interested in what's happening in their lives things start to improve. Most parents find themselves lecturing, ordering and jumping to conclusions or even threatening their teenagers during this 'Kevin and Perry' stage but this only blocks the opportunity for communication.

Here are a couple of tips that other parents have found helpful:

• Remain silent most of the time and just really listen without saying too much back - then think before you reply and check on your tone of voice and words you use.
• Use non verbal communication and say things like 'Uh-huh' and 'Mmm' occasionally and look directly into your child's eyes to show that you are really listening. Kids feel understood when they feel just heard and really prefer it if you don't offer them solutions all the time.
• Mirror back - this is a really effective tool for reflecting back the gist of what your daughter has said will make her feel understood.
• Resist the need to give advice! Kids feel patronised if you treat them like they were still four years old so although this is tough to start with ask more open ended questions to get them thinking in the right direction and finding their own solutions.

Fussy eater

My daughter is 10 months old and a very fussy eater. I have got two older children and didn't have any problems with them, so am not too sure what to do.

There are four things I can guarantee she will eat: Weetabix, Ready Brek, yoghurt and a certain brand of powder mix. Other than that, it is hit and miss. One day she will eat something and if I offer her the exact same thing a couple of days later she doesn't want to know. She will occasionally eat food with lumps in but not a full meal.

She eats finger foods but seems to do more biting and spitting out than actual eating. Can I get her to be less fussy, and if so how? Also, when I am giving her something she doesn't want I offer her one of the things I know she will eat. Does that just encourage her to moan until she gets what she wants?
tracey-and-junior

Sue Atkins: All children go through this stage at sometime in their lives and besides mood swings during the teenage years; nothing is as frustrating as a fussy eater!

This fluctuation is distressing because eating changes can seem rather dramatic and illogical. But trust your daughter because kids know how much they need to eat and provided you feel you are providing the healthy options and that they are non negotiable, deciding how much she wants to eat is the job of your daughter.

What is she learning from your reactions - is that something you want her to learn? What could you do slightly differently from what you are currently doing? Does she eat with the rest of the family and learn from watching them and you? Is she getting more of your attention by behaving this way and is she the one in control?

Are you getting tense and anxious around food at the moment so she is picking up your vibes? If so what could you do to relax and chill out a bit more at mealtimes - play music, make eating more of a game?