Sex after giving birth may be the last thing on your mind, but at some point you're going to want to get back in the saddle. Author and maternity therapy expert Rachel Foux addresses your concerns

Extract taken from The New Mum's Guide to Sex (Fusion Press)

The non-stop physical demands of parenting has to be top of the list of what is stopping you from having regular sex and I'll be offering you many suggestions to get around this from now on. But what motivates us to get back into it in the first place?

My theory is that we are too quick to rush back into the sexual habits we had before we had our children, rather than trying to find new ways of being intimate together. Ways that are compatible with our lifestyle as parents. Sorry guys, but it's dads in particular who want to get things back to how they were before the baby, and who can blame you? Mums, on the other hand, have a multitude of reasons that motivate them to getting back into sex, such as:

• 'I feel guilty that I don't really want to but I should.'
• 'I feel bad that I'm not giving him any attention.'
• 'I feel that it's my duty - what else am I contributing?'
• 'I need to find out if it's all working down there.'
• 'I should keep up with my friends and with what I read in magazines.'
• 'I'm trying to get back to how it was before.'
• 'It will help me to find out if I'm still a woman, not just a mother.'
• 'I'm doing it to make sure that I keep my man.'
• 'I need intimacy and closeness.'
• 'I'm feeling so horny that I can't keep my hands off him.'

Are there any surprises here? There's nothing bad about having these feelings, it's simply good to recognise what motivates us to be sexual. However these alone are not sustainable in the long term and may explain why we often run out of steam sexually, so to speak, within a few months of starting up again.

Take a moment to remember how your body felt when you first had sex in these early months: Did you feel aroused? Did you lubricate naturally? Did you have an orgasm? Did you experience any pain, tenderness or soreness in your vagina? Did you enjoy doing it?

If you haven't had sex yet, then you'll be able to ask yourself the above questions once you do. If your answers were a combination of yeses and nos then you're not on your own. Most new mums have difficulty relaxing enough to really enjoy sex in the early months. Even if you've been successful at getting your baby to sleep you will be feeling on edge that he or she may wake up at any moment.

You may also be tense, particularly your pelvis, as you'll be anticipating feeling potential pain in your vagina. It's also possible that you will feel uncomfortable with your body image in front of your partner. I reassure you all of these feelings are natural.

What doesn't come so naturally to us is being able to change our habits, particularly our sexual ones. By this, I am referring to what we consider sex to be. Do we think of sex as just intercourse or could it be hand pleasuring and oral sex or even stroking each other all over with erotic intent? On a practical level all of these can be enough to reach orgasm but only intercourse requires that you use contraception. Incidentally, this is another reason why women frequently avoid having sex in the early months - the fear of falling pregnant so quickly after birth is the biggest passion killer of all.

Let's get practical with some information that I hope will help you to navigate your way, safely and with greater pleasure through these months.

Contraception

It's better to be safe than sorry with regard to taking precautions. I want to quash two myths outright. The first is that, if you are breastfeeding, you will not fall pregnant. This is not true, just look at all the second-time mums still breastfeeding their first through the pregnancy and ask them how they got pregnant. The second is that it is safe to practice the withdrawal method. This is known as the Costa Rica method within the family planning world because there is enough sperm in the average man's pre-ejaculate to fertilise the female population of Costa Rica. Now, did that stop you in your tracks?

If you are breastfeeding, the best and safest method is to use condoms. They are also useful to have on hand in case either of you get thrush, as they will stop you passing it back and forth. There are so many shapes, sizes and flavours of condoms these days to choose from. You can even put them into your supermarket trolley without feeling embarrassed. You could also have a Mirena Interuterine System (IUS) fitted. This is a coil that is fitted into your womb through the cervix by your GP or obstetrician, within a week of beginning a period, and slowly releases progesterone.

Alternatively you could take the progesterone only pill. If you have a diaphragm from before your pregnancy be aware that they require good internal muscle tone to stay in place and need to be checked for size each time you increase or decrease in weight.

Arousal cycle

Did you know that it takes the average woman considerably longer to get aroused than it takes the average man? It could take minutes for him to become fully aroused and ready to pop whereas it could be anything from 15-45 minutes for her to catch up to his level of excitement. This means that you will potentially need 30 minutes to really feel satisfied when you make love.

We have all four phases in our sexual response cycle: the excitement phase, the plateau phase, the orgasmic phase and the resolution phase. It's very empowering for you to have a little knowledge about these phases and their effect on your physiology. Try not to get too hung-up about them, though, especially if you find that your body isn't performing this way. Give yourself a break and remember that your post-natal body is currently under siege by a complex web of hormones.

The orgasm

Let me begin by addressing your concerns and complaints:

'How are we ever going to have enough time to get through these phases?'
Sex is all about time management when you have a baby. This means that you will need to plan for your lovemaking sessions. They don't need to be hours long, but they do need to be long enough to include a little taste of those magical ingredients.

Choose times when you are least likely to be interrupted, for example don't rely on your baby's short nap time as you can be sure he won't shut his eyes for a moment. It's better to organise a babysitter so that you can really focus on getting to know each other again. If your baby is a good night sleeper, take advantage of every moment of this. Get together as soon as the baby nods off.

'What happens if she doesn't catch me up before I come?'
First of all, let's drop the guilt if you come and she doesn't. Balance this out by making your next sex session time when just she comes. You don't always have to ejaculate. Remember to use all your available tools to pleasure her - that's your mouth, hands, feet and full body - and there'll be no reason why she won't catch you up.

'We can't possibly have sex as our baby is still sleeping in our room.'
Choosing the right time to put your baby into his or her own room is your decision and nobody should tell you what to do. I will tell you though that having your baby in the same room when you have sex doesn't work long-term. You will both feel uncomfortable and rightly so, as your sex life is your private affair. The solution is to change where you do it. If you have a spare bedroom, try there if you're looking for comfort or in the living room, kitchen or garden if you're looking for variety.

Sex is about engaging with each other physically, verbally, through cyberspace or thin air in such a way that make you feel bigger, better and brighter for the experience.

The New Mum's Guide to Sex by Rachel Foux, published by Fusion Press, is available from www.visionpaperbacks.co.uk