We're so very sorry for your loss. Only people who have lost a baby will understand just how devastating the loss is

This article has been written by women who all have lost a child. Their hope is that by sharing their thoughts, they can help you with the coming days, with the things that others may not know and the things they've never even had to consider.

When you're ready, support is out there. The women in this article met and support each other via iVillage's Late Loss & Neonatal Death message board.

Please remember that, where your baby is concerned, anything that you want to do is okay. Anything that you don't want to do is also okay.

This might be different to your partner, but that doesn't matter, there's no right or wrong. You are your baby's parents and only you know what is best for you and your baby. Go with your feelings, follow your instincts, this is your baby and this time together is so special.

There's a lot to take in when your baby dies. You're in shock so the important information is in bold. If you can only read snippets, just read the bold bits. Anything else can wait. You can always come back to read more later.

We've thought of many things here, the special things we did, the things we didn't do which we now wish we had. We hope that this article can help to make your special time with your baby just that bit more precious.

• At the hospital
• Medical termination
• Keepsakes and mementos
• A post-mortem?
• Leaving hospital
• Registering your baby
• Seeing your baby again
• The funeral
• How are you feeling?
• For the father
• For the mother
• Small comforts
• Maternity and paternity rights
• Poems
• Help and support

At the hospital

You might be assigned a bereavement midwife or neonatal nurse who will look after you as a family during your stay. You can call them if you want to see your baby again at the hospital.

'We were told that Ellie's NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurse had been allocated to us that day, and we could stay for as long as we wanted.' Sue

'Our nurse made sure that everything we left stayed with Frankie and she even taped our hair clippings to her dress.' pokem02

Don't be scared

Some women are scared of their baby. Some worry about what their baby will look like if born sleeping. If you feel scared, don't feel bad, it doesn't mean that you don't love your baby.

'When Jack was being born, I didn't dare look. I didn't know what to expect so kept my eyes shut. When the midwife asked if we wanted to see him we said yes, because we knew we'd regret it if we didn't. When she brought Jack to us in his little moses basket, I remember peering over and feeling so scared, but when I saw him, all my fear went, he was a perfect and tiny little baby.' walshy2005

Holding your baby

Some women want to hold their baby straight away but some feel they can't. Some worry that they may hurt or damage the baby. How you are feeling is normal so, if you're uncertain, ask your nurse. We doubt you will ever regret holding your baby.

'When I was on my own with her, I held her at the window to show her the world from our room - it was a beautiful crisp February morning and the sun was shining - just me and Caitlin and I sang her a lullaby. Only her and me and for a moment. It was beautiful. I had my baby and she had me.' Angela

'I needed to see her eyes, just the once, so I opened one eye a little, and they were a beautiful blue. I don't regret doing it and her Daddy doesn't regret not doing it. He felt it was mucking her around too much.' pokem02

'I didn't know I could open her eyes. I always wonder what colour they were. When I got her post-mortem results and read that they'd examined her eyes, I felt even more cheated. They'd seen them and I hadn't.' Angela

Bathing and dressing your baby

Many hospitals understand that you may want to bath and dress your baby. You may have clothes ready or, if your baby is premature, hospitals will supply clothes for you. If you can, you might want to take photos to record every moment for the future.

'I wish I'd seen Thomas completely naked. He was given to me wrapped up then taken away and washed and dressed so I never saw him naked. I often look at my other boys in the bath and I think how well I know them but I know so little of Thomas.' bethybabes

'I undressed my son and cuddled him with no clothes on. I wanted to remember every little bit of his beautiful body. I worried what the staff would think but I'm so glad I did. It's one of my favourite memories, having that cuddle with my boy.' sad2005

'I regret not dressing Hugo in tiny clothes. I still worry that he'll be cold.' Kate

'The midwife dressed her in a little outfit we'd bought for her the day before, booties that my partner's mum had knitted, and we wrapped her in a shawl my mum had made. Our son had chosen a tiny pink teddy for her and that was put in her moses basket. So there was something from everyone with her.' josiesmum

'I didn't know I could bathe her. I didn't see her naked or even with her hat off (her head was squashed as she came out and I wasn't brave enough to open my eyes for a while). I know she had dark hair because I have a lock but I don't know how much. I never saw her without her hat.' Angela

'Something I regret is that I didn't change his clothes more. It all boils down to not wanting to do too much to him. I don't have many items of clothing that he wore and I wish - like everything else about him - I had more. I wish I'd popped a pair of socks on for a couple of hours then changed them. I wish I'd told his grandparents to stop off at Mothercare on the way to see him and bought a blanket that they could have cuddled him in and kept.' sad2005

Blessing your baby

Hospitals usually have multi-faith places of worship.

'We had a blessing and naming ceremony shortly after she was born. Both sets of grandparents were there with us. It happened within an hour of her birth. Just ask to do what you want and the hospital staff will hopefully let you have your own way. It was good that our mums could hold their granddaughter.' josiesmum

'Our midwife, David was great. He explained we could have Casey blessed by the hospital chaplain, he took his hand and footprints and weighed him for us.' katrina_dionne

'Frankie was blessed two hours after she died, the Chaplain waited until the exact minute to start the service. We asked our midwives from the antenatal, delivery and NICU wards to attend and they were all honoured to. We all had a cuddle and we all cried, including the Chaplain.' pokem02

Medical termination

If you're in this sad situation, you will get the same care as any other bereaved parents. The staff should explain in advance what will happen, about the tablets and how they work, when to return to hospital and, if necessary, how they will induce labour.

When it comes to the birth, you will be their prime concern. You will be offered as much pain relief as you want to make you comfortable during the birth. Once your baby is born, they should then help you with keepsakes and mementos.

Keepsakes and mementos

Many hospitals will make a memory box for you, with photos, footprints, locks of hair, cot and baby tag and so on. Don't be afraid to ask for anything you want to keep (plasters, splints etc).

'Nothing is trivial in the harrowing process of losing a newborn baby.' Mario

'We have a snippet of Frankie's hair, even though she barely had any. The midwives found a razor and shaved a tiny bit off.' pokem02

If you want photos...

Take as many as you can.

Take close-ups of your baby's face, hands and feet.

Ask a midwife to take a family photo of you with your baby.

You might not be able to look at the photos in the early days or you might find them difficult to put down. Either way, you will always have them and can look at them whenever you're ready.

Follow your instincts. Whatever you want to do is the right thing. This might be different from your partner, but that doesn't matter.

'That photo! It was Leo, lying flat, head turned to one side, and with just the slightest of blue emerging from beneath a barely opened eye-lid.' Mario

'We took loads as we dressed her and went back the next day with a digital AND 35mm camera and took loads more. But I treasure the close-ups taken by the hospital's photographer most, because they are beautifully clear shots of her tiny face and hand. I hadn't thought of taking any like that.' pokem02

'I took a photo of him with his eyes open, I have to admit I was worried I'd been weird. But just go with your instincts.' sad2005

'I was worried what the camera shop would say when I took the film to be developed. I shouldn't have worried. They were just very kind.' pokem02

'I wish we'd taken more, especially close-ups of his face and hands.' Bethybabes

'We wanted more photographs than just the photos of Josie the hospital had done. They were okay, but we didn't have any of her with us. We asked to go back and our midwife took photos of us holding Josie. They're really nice to have. We used a digital camera, so we didn't need to get the photos developed and could see exactly what they looked like before we left.' josiesmum

Hand and footprints

Many hospitals offer this service. You may be asked to help, or they might prefer to do it as it is quite skilled and you'll want a perfect result. They use special ink which won't mark your baby.

'One thing I treasure the most are the hand and footprints the hospital gave us of Jack and Isabelle. They are so special to us, please ask the hospital if they don't ask you.' walshy2005

'I didn't know I could get both hands and feet prints. I only have one hand and one footprint. Now I wonder was there something wrong with the other that I didn't get them.' Angela

'We didn't want to interfere with her too much, we wanted her to have some privacy and dignity, so we only had one hand and footprint taken.' pokem02

Casts

Some hospitals offer this service, or you can buy a kit and return to the hospital later to take the casts - they're simple to use. The hospital will take great care of your baby until your next visit.

'One thing I wish I had done was to take a cast of my son's hand or foot. Someone bought me the kit after he was stillborn but I didn't do it because I didn't know what to think. They are simple to use and my local hospital is now thinking of stocking them. I felt like I was doing too much to him but I wish someone had told me just to go ahead and do it.' sad2005

A post-mortem?

By law, a post-mortem is only required if the cause of death is unclear (e.g. after an operation). If the cause of death is known, you might still be offered a post-mortem but it's your choice.

Two things might help you to decide. The first is how long it will take - you can't arrange your baby's funeral until the post-mortem is complete. The hospital should tell you but, if they don't, please ASK, as it could take a few weeks and there could be delays. The second is whether your baby will be visibly marked. They try to minimise any marks and to ensure they can be covered by clothing.

These answers might help you to decide but some parents just need to see if they can get an answer as to why their baby died. The post-mortem might give you answers but it might not.

'A death should be referred to the coroner if it resulted, directly or indirectly, from any cause other than natural illness or disease for which the deceased had been seen and treated within 28 days of death.' Chief Medical Officer

Leaving hospital

If you have to leave without your baby

Going home without your baby is such a hard and tragic thing to do. Your baby will go to the mortuary and be looked after and kept safe until the funeral has been arranged. You can always return to see your baby again. If you would like to take your baby to the mortuary yourself, just ask.

'Our son had chosen a tiny pink teddy for Josie, and that was put in her moses basket.' Josiesmum

'The hospital gave us two teddies, one for the coffin and one to take home so that we wouldn't leave empty handed. They said a charity donates teddies for bereaved parents.' walshy2005

'We bought two toys. We left one with Frankie so she wasn't alone and took the other home. We sprayed ours with scent and then swapped them over when we saw her next so she could smell us and we could smell her.' pokem02

'We were given the option of taking Ellie to the mortuary ourselves but couldn't cope with that so the nurse took her for us.' Sue

'Friends of ours were told they couldn't take their baby Joseph to the mortuary themselves. In fact, they could but, as it happened, they didn't want to.' Kate

If you take your baby home

You can take your baby home (unless your child has an infectious disease or the death has been reported to the Coroner). You just need a certificate from the hospital or help from a Funeral Director.

It's not illegal to carry your baby in your car but your Funeral Director might prefer to collect your baby with or for you.

Your home is often the perfect setting to introduce your baby to your family. Once you have your baby home, you will need to keep your baby cool. Prepare a cot or crib in a cool room. You may want to use a waterproof sheet to protect the mattress. Excellent advice is given on the Child Bereavement Trust website.

'We brought our son Riley home in our car in my arms. His colour was fine for the two days until his funeral.' Dani

'I wish I'd known that I could have taken her home. But afterwards, our Funeral Director and hospital explained that, as she was so small, she would have deteriorated very quickly which is why they didn't suggest it. With hindsight, I know they were right. It was June and so hot.' pokem02

'We held Riley often and made sure he was never alone at night. We brought him into our room as he had never spent anytime alone in the nine weeks he was in NICU. We made sure to turn off the heating in his room but that was it. No candles or air fresheners were needed.' Dani

Registering your baby

This is something that probably hasn't crossed your mind and the thought of it might shock you, but most hospitals know how hard this is and your bereavement midwife will help you through.

They will explain your circumstances to the Registrar so you will be treated sensitively and, if possible, book an appointment at a quieter time of day. Larger hospitals also have a Registrar on-site.

'Our hospital booked the appointment with the Registrar. They explained our situation so we had a slot when no-one else (and no newborns) were there. Our Registrar cried too. She even gave our baby her official NHS number.' pokem02

In the UK, by law you have to register:

• a baby born alive at any time during pregnancy (no matter the gestation or how soon after birth they died)
• a baby who died in the womb at or after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy and is then stillborn.

In rare cases where baby is known to have died before 24 completed weeks but is born after 24 weeks, they cannot be registered as stillbirth. This is because pregnancy is defined as the time 'a female has a developing baby in her uterus' and so the pregnancy ended at the time baby died, not at the time of birth.

What do you need?

All you need is the Medical Certificate of Death or Stillbirth, which the hospital will give you. If you want a photocopy of it, take one before you see the Registrar as they aren't supposed to let you have a copy. A death must normally be registered within five days and a stillbirth within 42 days (21 in Scotland).

Who can register your baby?

If you're married, either of you can register your baby.

If you're unmarried and want both your names on the certificate, it's easiest if you both attend the Registrar together. However, if only one of you can go, you can make a Statutory Declaration of Acknowledgement of Parentage on 'Form 16' (16W for Welsh registrations) in front of an official (e.g. solicitor). Then simply give this to the registrar. Download 'Form 16' from www.gro.gov.uk.

If you go to the register office in the district where the birth/death or stillbirth happened, you will receive your certificate(s) straight away. If it's easier, you can go to your local register office but it will take longer, as your information will be sent back to the original district, which will then issue the certificates and post them to you.

'If you're unmarried and you want your baby to have Daddy's name on the certificate, the easiest way is to register your baby together.' goddess_trouble

For a birth and neonatal death

The Registrar will give you a 'green certificate'. That's all you need to arrange the funeral with a Funeral Director.

'Any baby, irrespective of gestational age, that is born alive and then dies...is a live birth and neonatal death and should be treated as such in terms of registration.' Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists Good Practice no. 5 'Pregnancy Loss before 24 Weeks Gestation' (Jan 2005)

For a stillbirth

Registering a stillborn baby (a baby who has died in the womb after 24 weeks of pregnancy) is slightly different to registering a birth and death. You will only get one certificate, a blue certificate of stillbirth. This will show only your baby's name. You can buy another showing baby's full name, date of birth and your names. The Registrar will then give you a 'white certificate'. That's all you need to arrange the funeral with a Funeral Director.

'I mentioned we'd be having Caitlin buried in Scotland (she was born in Bath). The registrar told me we'd need a different certificate and the coroner had to certify that she could be moved. This added lots of stress. Nobody seemed to know how to do it. It was even suggested that we drove her to Scotland ourselves. Our Funeral Directors stepped in and arranged it all.' Angela