The greatest tragedy is to view boys as simply noise machines - uncaring, uncommunicative and uninvolved - whereas deep within the soul of every little boy is the hero; a little Huck Finn or Tarzan wanting to pit his strength physically against the odds, and longing for approval and appreciation of his uniqueness

Extract taken from Growing Great Boys by parenting expert Ian Grant

The differences between boys and girls

Many experiments have highlighted the different ways used by little girls and boys to relate to others. Even before they are born, baby boys are more active physically. After eight weeks' gestation, testosterone begins to kick in and starts to bring about physiological changes in boys. Newborn girls will concentrate on faces and language, while baby boys will be attracted to moving objects.

Language development is slower in boys, and many parents will observe that they use sounds, such as motor noises, far more than actual words. In their developing speech, nearly all of the sounds little girls make tend to be verbally communicative, whereas with boys only something like 40 per cent are verbal; the rest is just noises.

Boys are stronger, with 30 per cent more muscle bulk on average than girls. They have more red blood cells, and need more physical activity. Their brains grow more slowly, with fewer connections between the right and left hemispheres. (This is why boys' speech faculties develop more slowly than do those of girls, and why men recover more slowly from strokes!)

Researchers in the USA undertook a fascinating experiment. They left boys and girls together in a room, with only Barbie dolls to play with. They had assumed the children would play similarly with the dolls. But their observations proved surprising. While girls cuddled, dressed and manicured the dolls, the boys were only interested in finding out how well the Barbies would work as torpedoes, bombs or airplanes!

This activity is actually related to how boys' brains function. Boys tend to explore their environment by running, jumping, touching and opening, because their brain is structured in a way that is more orientated to the external world than the internal.

Even the way boys show happiness and distress, often through physical 'acting out', is different, and the instruction to 'use words not fists' can be less simple than it sounds for a little boy to process.

A young boy's brain matures more slowly than a girl's, so he may not be ready for school as soon. Studies also show that a poor start may leave him struggling for years, so if his parents feel he is not socially or intellectually ready, holding a boy back may sometimes be appropriate.

Biologically boys are wired for competition, and revel in competitive, physical sports. These are tests of strength, skill and vigour that bring boys great joy and teach them many valuable life lessons.

We might need to be wary of universally applying 'girls' rules' (things that girls enjoy) to boys. There is growing evidence to show that boys do better in boys-only schools, because they value the simple rules, the mentoring type of leadership and the freedom of boyish expression.

Boys and their emotions

Boys do actually have a rich emotional life, and we must work to protect it. The irony is that, in response to some of the extreme political correctness of the last few decades, a reactionary 'macho' culture has grown up among men and boys, glorifying the worst side of gang culture, video games and the media.

This one-dimensional glorification of meanness, bullying and violence means that the emotional life of many boys is stunted, or displays itself in stoicism or the putting on of a 'mask'.

We, as parents, need to foil this demeaning culture by being aware of our sons' lack of instinctive ability to interpret their emotions, and by training them to understand themselves and analyse their feelings.

Giving boys labels for their emotions from a young age will lead them towards much richer lives and opportunities for greater intimacy, as well as providing them with tools to process the bad things that happen.

Our three-year-old grandson recently visited a fun park with his parents. When asked on the way home how he enjoyed it, he replied, 'I was happy when we went down the waterslide, but I was sad when I went under the water.'

He may have actually meant 'scared' rather than 'sad', but his attempt to label his feelings is a good start in the healthy process of interpreting what's going on in his emotional life.

Evidence suggests that men and boys tend not to be as insightful about their feelings as girls. Boys sometimes act 'unfeeling' in order to protect themselves, and if they are treated as unfeeling they will become even more so. They need us to coach them into understanding their feelings and help them to identify the underlying belief, or what they are telling themselves, that leads to those feelings.

Extract taken from Growing Great Boys by parenting expert Ian Grant, published by Vermilion (£8.99)

For more information on Ian Grant, visit www.parentsinc.org.nz