Help your child heal after divorce

a mother and son Regardless of the quality of your relationship with your former partner, you are now responsible for bringing up your child jointly, but also separately. Retaining healthy family relationships, particularly when dealing with the 'ex', will help to reduce the stress considerably

Children can assess the temperature of our moods with alarming accuracy, no matter what their age. Often the child's perception that 'something is wrong' is more accurate than we realise.

Children are very good at picking up vibes from their parents. They're very sensitive to our moods. If we can explain to our children why we are feeling anxious it will help them to understand and they may not be so worried by our behaviour. For example: 'I'm sorry I am a bit tense today, as I've just received the phone bill.'

It's much easier for a child to handle something specific, rather than to just see you in tears. Some children always assume it is their fault, so it's good for your children to know that they are not the problem.

The early days

It is easy to underestimate the complex tensions that accompany divorce, even a fairly amicable one. Your child may be angry and upset because one of his parents has left, but as you're the only parent around for him to vent his feelings on he is likely to take it out on you. Your child may become sullen, awkward, loud or angry. It's very hard for you, on top of everything else that you have to cope with.

Try not to take it personally. Try to understand your child's feelings of dislocation and try and take a positive view.

Keep the civility

However bitter you may feel toward your ex, and however hard you may find it to forgive, think about the benefits of maintaining a degree of civility with them. You will not be able to control what your ex partner does or says but you can control your own actions. If your partner continues to use your children as pawns, your best move is to refuse to play chess!

10 tips to help your child when you separate

It can be a lonely and confusing place for children during this difficult time. Just like bereavement, healing is not a straightforward process.

Here are some positive parent tips drawn from experiences of mums and dads who have had broken relationships.

If at all possible, be positive about your ex partner. At the very least, try not to be negative. Tell your child that you both of you love him.

Don't criticise your ex to your children. Keep in mind that it's their mum or dad you're talking about. Remember, your child feels loyalty to both.

Leave photos of the missing parent around and use their name. It helps your child heal. It's important that your ex is still part of your child's life. Be ready to talk naturally about the good things that happened. It will help your child move easily through change.

Encourage your child to keep in contact with the non-resident parent through emails or phone calls. Show respect by sending them a birthday card.

Try to encourage your child to see her mum or dad. Try to encourage the relationship, or at least keep the doors open for better things to come.

Don't use your child as a messenger or a spy.

Discuss Christmas, weekends, and who's going to have who and when. And stick to the arrangement if at all possible. Children need stability in their lives.

Encourage your child to continue their relationship with their other parent. There will always be long-term issues to work out and face and the quicker that they do that the easier it will become.

Remember, it's important to keep your promises to your child. He may feel let down by one or both of his parents so only make promises to him that you can keep.

Keep on reassuring your child that the break-up is nothing to do with her, especially if your child continues to seem anxious about it. It's important that your child doesn't blame herself.

Sue Atkins is a former Deputy Head with 22 years teaching experience and is now a Parent Coach. She has written many books on self esteem, toddlers and teenagers. She is author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies. For more information go to the Positive Parents website.