Coping with the practical and emotional aftermath – advice from The Miscarriage Association

A miscarriage is not a clear-cut event. Often there are phases: worrying that it might happen; ignoring the symptoms in the hope they’ll go away; waiting for your worst fears to be confirmed; facing up to the fact that the pregnancy has ended. Some miscarriages are ‘complete’ and no surgery is needed. In other cases an operation is necessary to empty the womb. Many women and their partners feel helpless coping with a situation where they don’t know what will happen.

Early miscarriage

In some cases there is an identifiable foetus miscarried, but in many cases there is no obvious baby, only blood clots and tissue. You may be left wondering what happened. If you’d like more information, talk to your GP or hospital doctor. Knowing the nature of your physical loss can help make sense of the experience.

Late miscarriage

Late miscarriage, after 14 weeks, is physically different from an earlier loss and much less common. Miscarriage at this stage can be physically as well as emotionally painful. The more advanced the pregnancy, the more likely you are to go through labour. Couples often don’t realise this and find it hard to bear. After miscarriage you can ask to see your baby. It is a sad time but can be a helpful memory to hold on to. If this does not feel right for you, don’t feel pressured. After later miscarriages some hospitals take a photograph, which is kept with the mother’s notes. If you change your mind at a later date this may be available.

Disposal

The bodies of babies who are stillborn (that is, born dead after 24 weeks of pregnancy) must by law be buried or cremated. The situation is not so clear for other miscarriages. Most hospitals offer burial or cremation for babies who miscarry late in pregnancy. A few offer this for all babies, but usually the remains are treated as clinical waste or incinerated. If you want to find out about arrangements at your hospital, ask your midwife.
If you wish to bury your baby’s body yourself, you can. You will need to make your wishes clear to hospital staff or to your GP, as they may not be aware this is within the law. The Miscarriage Association has more information about the guidelines to follow.

The emotions of miscarriage

Grief after miscarriage is complicated. The loss in miscarriage is unique because you know little about the baby. You also grieve for the lost pregnancy and the loss of future hopes. There is no timescale for grief and it has to take its course. Couples often find the anniversary of a miscarriage or the baby’s due date particularly difficult. Also, the first period after a miscarriage brings a forceful reminder of the loss. If you believe that miscarriage is ‘nature’s way’, then you may be able to move on more quickly and positively.
The experience can be difficult for others to share. Miscarriage is often not seen as an important loss. Those around you may not understand and offer misplaced encouragement with phrases like ‘never mind, you can always try again’.

Relationships

Some couples find the experience of miscarriage brings them closer together. Others feel their partners don’t understand. A man may be more upset about the physical trauma his partner has gone through or he may hide his feelings in order to be supportive. Couples express feelings in different ways.
If you have other children, the miscarriage will affect them too. If your child knows about the pregnancy and knows that something has gone wrong, it is important to answer their questions honestly. They sometimes worry that they are responsible for what happened and need to be reassured.

Ways of remembering your baby

For many parents it is important to mark the loss of a baby in some way. You may want to give your baby a name or organize a memorial service. Not everyone finds these things helpful. You may be content with the memories you have and want to move forward.

For further information contact:

The Miscarriage Association,
C/O Clayton Hospital, Northgate, Wakefield WF1 3JS.
Tel 01924 200799.