New mum exhaustion

You’re exhausted and elated at the end of pregnancy - but giving birth is just the start of it all. Life with baby may not be the bed of roses you’d imagined, says Susan Quilliam

So you’ve had a baby. It’s the best thing in the history of the world, for you and for your man. It’s the realisation of all your hopes and dreams.

So why isn’t life perfect? Why does giving birth mean so much physical, emotional and relationship stress?

You’re physically exhausted

The first and most obvious problem is that your energy is totally drained. You’ve been through labour, or major surgery if you’ve had a Caesarean section. You may still be sore, your pregnancy hormones will be plummeting. The demands of constantly caring for your little one – feeding, washing, changing – may mean that you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re not really looking after yourself, and you’re in a constant state of worry. Mary, who emailed me recently, worked as a gardener for five years, ‘but I’ve never been so tired as I was in the first few weeks after Jake was born.’

All these physical problems take their toll. And your man may not be able to sympathise because he hasn’t been through them. And, however much he cares for the new arrival, the overwhelming bond created between you and your baby typically affects you much more than it affects him.

What to do about physical exhaustion

  • Get more sleep – if necessary, get your man to feed the baby using your expressed milk.
  • Make sure you eat healthily and regularly – not just a snack on the run between feeding and changing.
  • Don’t expect to cope alone. Call up family, friends, other mums, your health visitor.
  • If things get really fraught – baby is very demanding, or crying constantly – ring the Cry-sis helpline on 020 7404 5011.

It’s a big responsibility. You’re desperate to get it right, particularly with a first baby. And it may not help that there often seems to be no advice available – or too much advice, with everyone telling you what to do.

And because you’re new at the baby game, you may feel as if you’re failing. ‘I not only felt sore, ugly and undesirable – I also felt as if I was getting it wrong the whole time.’ said Tanya, whose daughter was born last March, ‘Annabelle never stopped crying – and neither did I.’

Unexpectedly, you may also feel trapped, bored, and quite simply fed-up. You may have expected to feel wonderful because you’ve always wanted a baby. But now he or she is here, you may start to resent this huge change to your life – having to carry all that responsibility; not being able to go out as much; not even being able to drink more than the occasional glass of wine because you have to be alert for the baby.

What to do about emotional exhaustion

  • Read up on being a mum. Surf the Net. The more you know, the more confident and relaxed you’ll feel.
  • Network to pick up on the experience of other mums. Join our ‘Mums of newborns’ board at ivillage and swap experiences with others. If you have no contacts, join Meet-A-Mum (MAMA) 020 8656 7318.
  • Remember that, instinctively, you know what is best for your baby – listen to other people’s advice, but follow your gut response. And keep reminding yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
  • Take 20 minutes a day to yourself without needing to worry about baby – get your partner or a friend to cover. This isn’t self-indulgence but necessary sanity time.
  • If you start to feel very down, it may be post-natal depression. Don’t put up with this for even a day. Check The Association for Post-natal Illness or ring their helpline 020 7386 0868.

    Your relationship’s exhausted

    An added, unexpected stress of a new baby is that you may find your partnership begins to suffer. Because, however much he wanted the baby, your man may be feeling resentful that your attention is currently focused on your new addition. Quite simply, you don’t have time and attention for him any more.

    You, meanwhile, could be resenting the fact that he doesn’t get up at night to feed, doesn’t stay at home during the day. And if you’ve been used to working, you may also feel dependent and vulnerable because you’re now not earning.

    As a final crunch, your sex life may have dwindled to nil. The vast majority of couples don’t have a regular sex life after the baby’s born – through exhaustion, post-labour soreness, or lack of time. So while in the past you may have smoothed over the odd argument by a passionate session between the sheets, now you don’t – and that, too, may start to drive you apart.

    What to do about relationship exhaustion

    • Don’t think it’s the end of the world if your relationship wobbles. It’s reversible.
    • Talk to each other – understand how he feels, explain to him how you feel.
    • Get him helping with the baby even if he needs directing to begin with. The more involved he is from the start, the better.
    • Make time to be romantic – get a sitter and get out, or light candles then snuggle up on the sofa together.
    • Keep reminding each other that you care. You need to feel loved in order to love each other.
    • Get sex back into your relationship as early as your doctor allows. Even just an erotic snuggle will start to re-establish your bond.
    • If things start to get too hard, go along to Relate. The earlier you tackle relationship slide, the easier it is to fix. Contact Relate on 01788 573241 for details of local counsellors.