If you're feeling bogged down by friends, family or your partner, refresh all your relationships with this plan

New year, new life - or is it? All too often we make the usual resolutions such as losing weight or giving up smoking but forget about what can really undermine us: the people in our lives.

This year make it your business to revitalise all your relationships. This simple plan, which gets right to the heart of relationship issues, will help you do just that.

Identify your aims
First, do a relationship audit. Jot down all the important people in your life - family, friends, workmates, lovers - and think about what you really expect from your relationship with each of them.

Be specific: say exactly what you want. Be realistic: no one is perfect. But don't set your sights too low. You deserve to have trust, love and respect from the people closest to you.

When one of my clients, Sarah, used the audit to review her relationship with her parents, it finally dawned on her what the root problem was: they were still treating her like a little girl. 'I needed them to acknowledge I was grown up now. Admitting that to myself gave me the strength to admit that to them. They were shocked, but eventually took it on board. Our relationship improved from then on.'

Learn to take
Many relationships become bogged down because one person does all the giving and, as women, we often find we're that one. So if there are any relationships where you feel you don't get much back, you need to take a hard look at the people involved.

Make a list of four things you'd like your partner to do for you. Ask for one a week over the next month. More hugs? More help with the domestic chores? More oral sex? Often, you just need to ask - it's as simple as that.

Once you've practised with a partner, adopt this strategy to other 'rut' relationships in your life. Ask a friend for space to talk about your problems; ask a colleague for a helping hand with that tricky job. Of course say thank you and always return the favour. By learning to ask you not only air an issue, you also strengthen bonds and move your relationship out of the rut.

Learn to celebrate
Sometimes, a relationship is stuck because we're not stressing the positives. We often take things for granted with partners or relatives. We don't smile, compliment, or give a thank you present because we've known the person so long, we don't feel the need to actively make them feel good. But you always need to. If you think about it logically for a minute, surely the closer someone is to you, the more they deserve your consideration and the more they'll value your appreciation.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine ended up in tears at my kitchen table. She felt her marriage was in trouble; they both cared but the spark was gone. I suggested that for a whole week, she told her husband only what he was doing right - when she noticed him being good with the children, when she appreciated his gentleness, when he turned her on. A week later she was back in my kitchen amazed at what a difference it had made.

Learn to say no
Ruts often happen because of resentment. We feel we're being asked to give too much - or to be something we don't want to be. We hang on to that resentment, and then find that our relationship is stuck, all positive feelings replaced with numbing politeness or surly indifference.

Tina's boss kept asking her to work late, night after night. She felt it was unnecessary. But she didn't make that clear to him and over the following weeks their relationship got more and more strained. I suggested she talk the issues through politely and professionally with him and that together they work out ways of avoiding the late nights. She took a deep breath and did this; he was receptive, she felt heard. Now, they're back to their old, relaxed relationship.

If you need to learn how to say 'no' in your life in a way that leaves you and the person you're saying 'no' to feeling good, try reading The Assertiveness Workbook by Joanna Gutmann (Sheldon Press; £5.99).

Learn to let go
Some relationships just can't be eased out of their rut. Quite simply, you have to walk away - no matter how hard it may seem at the time.

If the following are true of a relationship in your life then you may want to think seriously about breaking off contact:

• The other person consistently lies to you .
  
• The relationship is violent or abusive.
  
• You feel that you're compromising what you believe in by being in this relationship.
  
• You are unhappy more than you are happy.
  

For extra support if you want to break off a personal relationship, contact Relate on 01788 573241.

A final tip. With any relationship that you feel is in a rut - whether it's with a family, friend, partner or colleague - dedicate at least three hours to that person once a month. Go for lunch, dinner, a fun outing or a walk. Focus completely on each other, listen to each other and just blank the outside world. I promise - this will restore your relationship. You'll move out of that rut.

Do you feel stuck in a rut? Share your relationship problems and solutions with like-minded iVillagers.