The first child holds pride of place until number two comes on to the scene. Coram Family looks at ways to help young children adjust to a new baby

To all intents and purposes, first children are ‘only’ children until you have another baby; so they naturally assume that you’re there to meet their every need, one hundred percent of the time. When they have to share you with a new baby, it’s likely to put their nose out of joint, and they’ll need time and help to adjust to the changes this new member of the family will involve. The trouble is it’s difficult to tell them exactly what to expect, because you don’t know – having another child will be new for you as well.

What and when do you tell them?

Having a baby may be a normal event for families, but remember that it’s a brand new concept for your oldest child. Even if your child is two and can’t fully understand what ‘having a baby’ means, it’s a good idea to tell them something about what’s happening, so that they feel involved. It’s probably wise to wait until the four-month landmark, when you’re past the risky miscarriage stage; but if early pregnancy makes you sick, tired or grumpy, you may need to explain your dramatic personality change. Even so, a child under three may just need to know that you aren’t feeling well.

It’s wise to be sensitive to their feelings at this stage. Imagine if your partner came home and declared, ‘Wonderful news darling, I’m going to have another wife… Of course, I’ll still love you. There’ll be plenty of love to go around. And it’ll be fun for you. You’ll have a playmate… and you can be a real help to me in looking after her…’ If you’d feel devastated in this situation, you can imagine how a toddler feels about sharing your love.

Questions and answers

There’s certainly no need to sit children down and do a major ‘baby talk’. Once you’ve announced the news, and explained that the bump is a growing baby, then it’s best to let your child ask questions, as and when they want to, and answer each enquiry as it crops up. Some children come up with a string of questions – ‘Is it a sister or brother?’, ‘Can I choose what I want?’ and ‘Has it got a name?’ Other children ask very few questions and are simply proud to announce, ‘We’ve got a baby in there’, as if this is one more impressive thing that mums and dads manage to do.

‘Technical’ questions about how the baby started may not come right away, but it’s worth preparing your replies to predictable lines like:
How did our baby get in there?
How does she get her tea?
How will it get out of your tummy?

If you want help answering such leading questions, it’s worth getting hold of some information and picture books for you and your child to read together. There are a number of picture books around, but the tone of the text and illustrations vary, and this really has to be a personal decision. Visit your local library to have a browse and pick out something that you are comfortable with.

Picture book possibilities include:

A Special Something – Jan Fearnley (Methuen) New Baby – – Kathy Henderson & Caroline Binch (Frances Lincoln) Brand New Baby– – Bob Graham (Walker books) Why Do We Need Another Baby? – – Cynthia McGregor (Carol publishing) When young children want to know more and you think a bit of human biology might be in order, try the picture book, ‘Mummy Laid an Egg’ by Babette Cole (Red Fox) which gives a good idea of how the baby was achieved, and let’s everyone have a good laugh at the same time.

Simple information books with sketches or photos include:
Why is Mummy’s tummy so big? – (Dorling Kindersley) How are babies made? – by Alastair Smith (Usborne)

Getting ready

Nine months is a long time, so don’t focus on the new baby too much, but do make sure that you involve your child in preparations for the birth.

• You can take your child with you for straightforward antenatal visits, so that they can see what happens and ask questions if they want to. It’s probably better to ask someone else to look after them, if you have to hang around at the clinic, or if you’re due for tests that a child might find confusing or worrying.
• First children, who are two or three years old, often like to help get things ready for the baby. This also allows them to see that the new baby will have his or her own cot, clothes and baby toys, and they won’t have to hand over treasured possessions.
• It’s wise to avoid promoting the new baby as an enjoyable playmate. It can be a big disappointment to find that new babies aren’t very sociable beings.
• As you get bigger, you’ll have to call a halt to any energetic games you shared with your child, so get them used to more sedentary activities like books, jigsaws, singing and chatting.

When the baby arrives

You’ll be very tired but it’s important to give your first child some time and attention when the baby is asleep. Young children need to be reassured that the new baby hasn’t changed the love you have for them. Despite the fatigue factor, try to stay positive so that your child feels it’s good to have a new brother or sister around.

• Make sure that there is a little present or treat for your child when the baby arrives. Some friends and relatives are thoughtful enough to bring something for the older child as well as for the baby. Make sure that your child doesn’t feel left out.
• It will be some time before your son or daughter has an active playmate, but you can help them to understand what play is like for babies. Children are often brilliant at the kind of repetitive hand stroking, rattle shaking, nursery rhymes and funny faces that keep babies happy. Get out the photo album and do some happy reminiscing about your child’s babyhood and the funny things she used to do.
• Older brothers and sisters can be a real help with baby care, so long as they don’t feel it’s compulsory. Even a two year old can choose the baby’s outfit and hand you a clean nappy or cream. Their involvement gives you a chance to say a genuine thank you and point out how competent and helpful they are as a ‘big’ boy or girl.