| Whatever you want, dear
Laura Doyle's multi-million bestseller, The Surrendered Wife preaches that the only way to keep a marriage sweet is by relinquishing all control to the husband. Anna McNamee spends a weekend living by Laura's instructions
Saturday 9.00 am To be perfectly fair, I am not the lonely, exhausted mess the American relationship guru Laura Doyle claims she was before she discovered the error of her ways and was inspired to write her book The Surrendered Wife: A Woman's Spiritual Guide to True Intimacy With A Man. Then again, when I plaintively said to my brother, 'You don't think I'm bossy, do you?' he snorted derisively. So maybe it's time. After all, thousands of American women have adopted surrendering as their strategy. They're clogging chat rooms with their home-spun anecdotes of saved marriages and restored love. Sure, I'm assertive. But I thought it was assertive in a sexy, educated, woman-with-a-mind/career/opinion-of-her-own kind of way. My relationship has had its ups and downs - whose hasn't? - but until I read Laura's book I never realised that it was 'all my fault'. Apparently, it's true. Laura says so. The fact that my partner has a habit of leaving dirty socks and underwear strewn around the house or that we sometimes bicker in the car because we're lost (again) is all down to the fact that I haven't been polite, pleasant or respectful enough. After all, in the world according to Laura, 'he'd be much happier if he felt in control and made all the decisions just like an old-fashioned man should'. The added bonus is guaranteed passion in the bedroom. You'll have great sex if, instead of initiating it, you just hang about in something flimsy and allow yourself to be conquered. The only problem is that, according to Laura, a good wife never says 'no' and I'm not sure if this means he'll always have to be on top from now on. No doubt it will be the start of a beautiful and equally fulfilling phase of our lives together.
9:02 am 'How did you sleep?' he asks. 'Fine', I murmur. 'Except you were snoring again,' I add with a smirk. It's true. He snores. Usually in that whistling, nasal way. He's laughing but I am mindful that such comments might be construed as disrespect. If you're too prone to making such derogatory remarks Laura suggests you use duct-tape to 'keep your mouth shut.' Am hungry and worry that duct-tape will make breakfast difficult. Resolve to try harder. 'Let's take up the carpet in the bedroom this weekend,' I say a few minutes later. Wrong again. Laura says comments like this are bossy and controlling. What I should have said is something like 'You know, I'd really love it if the carpet in the bedroom was taken up'. 'Express what you want without trying to control him. After all, husbands just want their wives to be happy,' says Laura. This is how she got her husband to paint the hall on SuperBowl Sunday - the American equivalent of the Cup Final. 'What do you want for breakfast?' he asks. Aha! I'm not going to be caught out this time: 'Whatever you want, dear'. This is Laura's mantra. Repeat it at every given opportunity and marital Nirvana will soon be yours. Another key part of the successful surrender is giving up all fiscal responsibility to your better half. 'Turn over your finances to him and rely on him for what you need.' For Doyle's many critics this has been one of the most controversial aspects of the surrender-philosophy. 'What happens when a husband dies and the wife doesn't know anything about what's going on financially?' they ask. 'What happens if he leaves you? If he's a spendthrift? What if he just isn't good with money?' Doyle's heard it all before and has an answer. Women shouldn't surrender to men who are physically abusive or have an active addiction – either to drugs, alcohol, gambling or sex with women other than their wives - she says. However, other husbands are 'good guys' and wives can show them they know this by handing over all their earnings and being satisfied with some sort of allowance for all those little things they need.
11:05 am He's still uncomfortable. On the way to the grocery store he lectures me on the struggle women have had over at least the last 2,000 years to achieve some kind of independence. We live in a capitalist society, he says. How can anyone who is entirely dependent on outside sources ever have as many options as someone with control over their resources? Laura's a feminist, I reassure him. She says so. But she also asks what has feminism ever done to help women find fulfilment at home. According to Laura, feminism may have eradicated the glass ceiling but, she insists, this hasn't necessarily made women any happier. My partner starts muttering about women in India who feel they have no option but to throw themselves on their dead husbands' funeral pyres; about women who stay with men who abuse them because they don't have the financial resources to leave; or women who lose their property if their husbands leave them or die. But then these husbands probably weren't 'good guys'. My 'good guy' pays for the groceries. But then it was his turn this week anyway.
9:10 pm 'It's about restoring intimacy to our relationship by respecting his thinking, expressing gratitude, telling him what I want but never, ever, telling him what to do.' Which means I can't tell him not to do the dishes. My good guy is now stacking the plates precariously on to the dishrack. I go back to my newspaper, knowing that by offering to help I would be implying that he is incapable of doing the job on his own. Laura says, 'I must trust him and hence anticipate the best outcome.' Post-washing-up intimacy is ruined when a few minutes later a cup falls off the pile. My good guy is feeling tetchy and, if I didn't know better, I would say is annoyed that I didn't offer to help, but Laura did promise that if I followed her rules I would have more time for myself. Anna's made it through Saturday, but how will her surrendering fare on Sunday? Read part two to find out |