What do you do, when you find out you've been cheated on? Susan Quilliam guides us through the common reactions

You may have felt suspicious for a while, or the news may have come out of the blue. But now it's out in the open. Your man has cheated on you.

There are three stages that follow this awful news - the reaction, the decision, and the recuperation. In part two of this series, we look at the decision - whether you stay, go or make him leave. In part three we look at the recuperation - how to bring your relationship back on track, after an affair. But, firstly, we will concentrate on your immediate reaction and how to cope.

Shock
'It was like being in a road accident,' one friend said to me, when she found out that her partner was having a fling at the office. And yes, the sheer impact of hearing the news can be physically traumatic.

You will feel emotional - shout, rant, cry. You may well have physical symptoms, like dizziness, weakness or panic attacks. You may even become mysteriously ill or feel depressed.

Physical support is vital. It might be hard, as you may find it embarrassing to admit what has happened. But if there is anyone you can trust to support you, get them to come and help you out.

Denial
You may then find yourself unable to accept what's happened - particularly, if the news of the affair has come to you through a third party.

You may even ignore the issue, convince yourself that it didn't happen, or refuse to challenge your partner. Tessa, 35, simply refused to talk about her husband's confession of his ten year affair. 'Looking back now, I think I thought that, if I ignored it, it would go away'.

Short term, this approach may save your sanity, as facing the awful Truth, all at once, could tip you over the edge. But long term, ignoring the truth won't work. You can't live with the uncertainty. And your relationship won't survive. So, almost always, it is best to bring things out into the open. If your partner won't talk about it, then do see a counsellor. He or she can help you take whatever action is best.

Sadness
Over and above all the first reactions to news of an affair, you will feel sad. Sad because you've lost the partner and the relationship you thought you had.

So expect to cry, to grieve, to mourn. If you trust friends or relatives, cry with them. If not, then - again - you may want to turn to a counsellor.

Anger
You will almost certainly feel angry that your partner has slept with someone else. And it's likely that the longer the affair has gone on and the deeper the deceit, and the more angry you'll feel. However, you might not feel angry at first, because you may convince yourself that it could completely destroy the relationship.

It could be several months before you allow yourself to feel as furious as you want to. You may channel all your fury at your partner's lover.

It will help to acknowledge that you are angry, and to do all you can to get rid of the angry energy. Women often report of screaming into a cushion, playing daily games of squash, going to the gym, sitting in a parked car with the stereo full blast, so that they can rant and rave to themselves.

But when it comes to screaming at your partner, tempting though it is, it won't actually help, if you continue being angry. A first furious reaction, yes. But continuous warfare will neither help bring you back together nor will it make him any less likely to have another affair. It is best to get rid of the anger, and then calmly talk things through.

Guilt
If you find yourself wondering whether the affair was your fault, you are feeling guilty. You are internalising your anger, rather than directing it at your partner. But guilt is almost always useless - because, there's nothing you can do to change the past.

Also, guilt can end up hurting you, badly. One client of mine ended up and tiptoeing round the house, guiltily, trying to please her husband, as if she had had the affair and not him.

The only constructive thing to do with guilt is, not to regret the past, but to aim for a better future. So ask yourself this question: is there anything you can do that will help?

If your relationship is unhappy, try to channel your guilty energy into finding the cause of the unhappiness, and then tackling the problem. If you do, there is more chance of you both remaining faithful to each other.

Finally, remember that, it is incredibly difficult to receive news of a partner's affair. So your first challenge is to navigate those first terrible days and weeks, and your reactions, without falling to pieces. If you can do that, then things will almost certainly start to improve.

Resources
After the Affair, by Julia Cole with Relate, (Vermilion).

You can get support, alone or with your partner, at Relate.

Coping with infidelity - read all three parts of our series.
Part one - the betrayal
What to do when you find out?
Part two - the decision
Should you stay or should you go?
Part three - the recuperation
Getting your relationship back on track

Have you been betrayed by your partner? How has this effected your relationship? Why not get advice and support from other iVillagers on the Coping With Infidelity message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening right now on the board: