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He's had an affair. What do you do now? Do you stay together or split up? He's had an affair. After the initial shock of finding out, you have hard decisions to make. And the most important one is whether to stay together. Does the relationship have a future? Do you even want a future with him? It's often impossible to decide. 'I changed my mind every hour, on the hour,' said Jemma, after discovering her husband in bed with a neighbour. Gather information
Don't make your decision when you're still reeling. Take your time. - You need to work out what you want. Not only look at how you feel about the affair, but the state of the relationship before. Were you ready to leave anyway? Or were you happy enough then to want to try again now?
- You need to find out what he wants. Does he want the relationship to work or has he given up? You have to calmly talk this through to find out the truth.
- Be slightly wary of friends' and relatives' views as they might have their own agenda. 'My mother never liked Craig,' said Kelly. 'So when the news broke, she muscled in like crazy, telling me to leave.'
- At this point, counselling may be beneficial. Check Relate www.relate.org.uk for details of your local branch.
Reasons to go
Once you know where you both stand, take a hard look at the situation. There is no point in staying together: - If either of you is making demands that the other will not or cannot agree to. When Trudi's husband said he wanted to keep seeing his mistress regularly, Trudi knew she could never agree and filed for divorce.
There is no point in staying together: - If the affair happened because you simply cannot meet each other's needs. If one of you wants children, to live abroad or to have an open relationship and the other cannot bear that, then parting may be the solution.
- If you feel the infidelity is unforgivable and you cannot move on from the affair, then it is time to leave.
Reasons to stay
There is a point in staying together: - If you both want the relationship to work, even if you have no idea how to do it. You have a good chance of succeeding when the intention is there.
- If the affair has made you realise that your relationship needs to change. 'We were drifting apart because we both worked so hard,' comments Ellie. 'We started spending more quality time together. If we hadn't, we would have divorced by now. Peter's affair was our wake-up call.'
- If you want to stay together for the sake of the children, think carefully about this decision. There's conflicting evidence about whether it is good for children if their warring parents stay together. However, many couples do stay together and make the relationship work.
The decision is yours
Ultimately, the decision to stay or go is down to you both. If one of you walks away then the decision is made and you have to learn to live with it. There is hope. Many couples who survive infidelity often find their relationship becomes stronger than before. If there is a chance of making your partnership work, give it a go. Resources:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum (Michael Joseph Publishers £12.99), available on amazon.co.uk. Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris (Adams Publishers), available on www.amazon.co.uk. You can ring the Marriage Care Helpline 0845 757 3921 (3pm-9pm Monday and Thursday). Coping with infidelity - read all three parts of our series.
Part one - the betrayal
What to do when you find out?
Part two - the decision
Should you stay or should you go?
Part three - the recuperation
Getting your relationship back on track Share your views and experiences of affairs with iVillagers on the Highs and Lows of Being a Couple message board.
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