You can choose your friends but not your family, and some siblings just don't get on. Coram Family on what to do when jealousy takes hold

Most parents recognise the scene: 'Mum, it 's not fair', claims of 'He never ...', and 'She always ...' The verbal attacks are well honed to exacerbate the situation. For some families, sibling rivalries are relatively rare but, occasionally, brothers and sisters appear to dislike each other from the start.

So, what is going on when your children are at loggerheads?

As adults looking from the outside, we may call it 'jealousy'. But watch, listen and think about what is really happening between your children.

• What are they thinking and feeling inside? Is it perhaps, 'I can't seem to get your attention until I call my brother rude names' or 'Why are you so happy about Marie's dry knickers? Haven't I done anything to make you pleased today?'
• Sometimes, the shouting may be a way of saying they want time away from each other, but they need you to help them make a dignified retreat.
• When children are struggling, perhaps at nursery or school, life can seem unbearable if a sibling receives lots of praise.
• Children also like to have something special for themselves. Trouble can follow if a sister wants to make a scrapbook just like her brother's. Although this may be a form of flattery, it doesn't feel that way to the sibling whose personal territory is being invaded.

• It's important that your children see you behave in an even-handed way. Be aware: it may be your younger child, not the older one, who created the wind-up; and your daughter, not your son, may have started the fisticuffs.
• Some mismatch of temperament between parent and child is quite usual. If you're not careful, you will end up treating one child with less patience because you feel he or she is more 'difficult'. This child may be angry with you, but the more favoured sibling is an easier target.
• Do you promote competition in the family, making children feel that if one wins then the other must lose, in terms of attention and in a board game? Are you someone who takes offence easily yourself or assumes people's intentions are suspect? Your attitudes will seep out through your behaviour and can affect how your children's view the world and each other.
• Life can be complicated when one child requires more attention; for instance, because of disabilities or persistent ill health. Hard as it can be, parents do need to find time for siblings who seem less needy, too.
• Some families have one child with outstanding talent and they understandably want to support that child. However, it is equally important for other siblings to feel valued and admired for their individual strengths.

• Deal calmly with any verbal insults and physical poking or shoving. It is okay to say, 'No, that's enough now' or 'Nobody is to make any more rude remarks'.
• Look for opportunities to alert your children to feelings, without trying to make them feel guilty or forcing them to apologise. You might say, 'You know that is Jon's favourite book. He is going to be cross if you hide it' or 'I think you upset Tessa by calling her that name'.
• Show that you recognise the feelings of a child even if she has gone right over the top in her reaction to a problem. You might say, 'Sally, I realise you're angry because Ben wouldn't stop poking you. But I can't let you hit him with the wooden spoon'. You could say to the other child, 'Ben, we have a family rule that when someone says, 'Stop it', that's what you do'.
• Some children seem to keep a tally of compliments and praise. You may need to address this problem directly by saying, 'It's not a competition' and 'When I say I like Sally's painting, it doesn't mean I don't like yours.'
• Encourage any friendly moves between siblings. Brief remarks are often enough. For instance, 'Thanks for helping Tessa with her buttons' or 'That was a thoughtful thing to do for Jon'.

• You will probably say to your children that they should 'tell' you about a problem that needs sorting and not scream and thump each other. It's then your responsibility to do what you can and not say they are 'telling tales' when they are, as requested, 'telling' you.
• If you're not present when the trouble starts, you may not be sure what has really happened. But you can listen and try to help your children negotiate what could happen next or how to resolve this problem.

Siblings often go to the same nursery, playgroup and primary school. This arrangement makes practical sense for families, but if brothers and sisters really don't get on, it may be that one child would thrive in a different kind of environment. This could involve choosing different schools so that comparisons and rivalries can't be pursued.