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Recovering from a failed relationship is tough. You can do it, though, and find love in five simple steps once you commit to leave the past behind Your relationship is over. No matter who ended it, your new life starts now. Except it may not feel like a new life. It may hurt far too much for that. What's more, fallout from the break-up may be affecting other personal or professional areas of your life. Moving on from a break-up takes time, but it's got to be done. You need to look ahead and take responsibility for enjoying a renewed sense of freedom and, in time, a new romance. Leaving the past behind
The key to getting over a failed relationship is to remember that this loss is similar to bereavement. Often, after a break-up, we suffer the same key stages of bereavement including shock, denial, grief and anger. Know and accept that it will take time before you start feeling normal again. Help yourself by accepting support from friends, colleagues and family. Be patient: the pain will die away but it will take time. In the first few months after a break-up, do anything that keeps you occupied and busy. Being social may be the last thing you really want to do, but the busier you are, the less sad you'll feel. If the pain lingers too long, take action. Jill, 34, found herself still bursting into tears at every mention of her ex's name a year on from her divorce. She finally saw her GP and then a counsellor for advice. 'In hindsight, I'd tipped over into depression; the counsellor offered support and helped me get my life in perspective,' she says. Had she not taken control and sought help, she could have suffered unnecessarily for many more months.
Learning the lessons
After any loss, part of the bereavement process involves recognising what you've learned. When a relationship has ended, you need to do this too. Rather than feeling bitter, start to think clearly about what you'll know next time you enter a relationship. As you recover, ask yourself the following questions:
- What would I have needed in order to choose a more suitable partner?
- How could I have started the relationship better and laid down more structured ground rules?
- When things started to go wrong, what could I have done differently?
You may want to discuss these issues with people you trust and hear their views. Getting out and about
As you recover, you'll start feeling more enthusiastic about life. Start being sociable again; be proactive about meeting new people. It may feel difficult, but it is achievable - especially with practice. - Get in touch with all your friends. Never turn down an invite, however boring, because it might lead to a new and exciting friendship.
- Take up a new interest, sport or try volunteer work. It will help you stay busy and put you in touch with other like-minded people in your local area.
- Most importantly, set new goals. Write a list of your dreams including the things you weren't able to do in your previous relationship. One woman, Hannah 35, went trekking in the Himalayas as part of her recovery process after a break-up with her boyfriend of seven years, who disliked going abroad. Any inspirational goals including new travel plans, adventuresome activities like sky diving, redecoration plans - will help you get over your old relationship.
The dating game
Once you've started to socialise again, you'll almost certainly start meeting potential new partners. However, you may feel so battered by your break-up that you can't imagine dating again. You may feel insecure about your looks, worried about what you'll talk about or panicked that you'll be asked to leap straight into bed. Don't worry, because all these feelings are natural. Here's how to cope:
- Looks: almost certainly, you look better than you think. Of course, one of the most attractive features in someone is confidence. The easiest way to let this shine through is to be yourself. Quite honestly, all the letters I get from men say that personality is more important than looks. So walk tall, look people in the eye, smile, and you'll knock 'em dead.
- Making contact: never regard a man as a potential date. Regard him as a prospective friend first. Be interested, ask questions and tell him about yourself. Remember that men, particularly if they are newly separated or fresh from a break-up, are equally vulnerable.
- Sex: don't feel pressured to have sex. Only make love if you want to and feel you are mentally ready. If you get nervous of what exactly to do during the act, tell him and ask him to coach you along. Be careful of getting involved too quickly. While you may want love, he may only want sex, and this is the often last thing you need if you're feeling emotionally fragile.
When love comes again
Be careful of rebounding into a new relationship. This can be a big mistake for both people involved. Not only do you miss the positive effects of being alone for a while, such as a renewed sense of empowerment, you may also make the wrong choice if you're still emotionally vulnerable. Lizzie, 27, admits that, 'two weeks after Jim walked out, I met Paul at a party. I thought he was my dream man, but two months later couldn't imagine what I'd seen in him. It was a bad mistake and made getting out of that relationship another tough hurdle to overcome on the heels of a hard break-up.' So how will you know when the right partner comes along? It certainly won't be just because you are in love or in lust with him. These are wonderful feelings, but you need real compatibility for the relationship to last. Is he the one?
The key signs of compatibility are:
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