The last step - focus on your fantasies

Welcome to our final stretch on the road to great sex. Have you done all three weeks? If not, stop here and go back and do them. Otherwise, read on as we round the corner into the last step along the way: fantasy.

In my many years of coaching women and couples, I am always amazed to find that most women, unless they are seasoned explorers of their eroticism, have a tricky time with sexual fantasies. Many have not read any of the recent explosion of books for, and often by, women. Some of the titles you may want to peruse are My Secret Garden and Women on Top by Nancy Friday and the Herotica series, edited by Susie Bright. These books will give you new ideas, reinforce your right to fantasise about anything you desire and add zest to your lovemaking.

Did you know that fantasy doesn't necessarily lead to that behaviour? If you're afraid to fantasise because you think it automatically means that you have to act out your thoughts and maybe go beyond what you're comfortable with, don't worry. Fantasies are ideas - they live in the mind and can remain there if that's where you want them to stay. If both partners desire, then fantasies can be teased out of the mind. It's your choice. It's safe, healthy and fun to fantasise.

If you have never thought about your own sexual fantasies, this is your chance. Get out your Love Diary and set aside some time to do the following this week: First, write down a list of memories that you can use as sexual fantasies. Use images of real-life alluring men that have rung your bell, or movie stars you've seen in roles that you drooled over. If you can't think of anything like that, describe your perfect fantasy partner - smooth, muscular body, deep voice, sexy smell, dreamy eyes and sense of humour. Next, write down all the things that you'd like to fantasise about doing with this partner. Once you have these lists in place, re-read them and fill your mind with new ideas.

If you are really daring, invite your partner to do this same exercise, and share what you write. Be careful not to hurt each other by spending an inordinate amount of time focusing on other people or on the qualities that turn you on that you know your lover will never match. Identifying fantasies, talking about them and then testing the waters to try new things will add sparkle to your nights. Be open-minded and work with your partner to reach a compromise if you begin acting out each other's fantasies. Enrich your relationship by enlarging your mind's capacity for creative fantasy and watch how your intimate world may blossom.

Finished the workshop? Start it again.

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