Improve your sexual communication

Are you keeping up your Love Diary? You need to - it will help you to document your sexual journey and learn the truth about your sex-related patterns. Tracking your thoughts, feelings, sensations and activities will confirm or demystify your beliefs about how sex affects your life, and vice versa. Spending a week focusing on your sensual side should have given your senses the boost they need to bring your daily life to the cliffs of new pleasures. If not, you need to indulge your senses more. So go back and study. If you have yet to follow the plans for weeks one and two, stop here and go back. You'll be pleased that you did.

One element that keeps surfacing in my discussions with clients about healthy intimate relationships is the art of communication. It really is the key to a long-term, lasting and growing relationship. And, for most women, being in a healthy, intimate relationship is the foundation for great sex. Thus, communication is important to a great sex life. I'd like you to spend at least one day this week watching what you say. I did this once in a workshop and it honestly changed my life. During that day, listen to and stop yourself, whenever you begin to blame your partner, or when you start moaning to him or her.

Without those elements of speech, the whole world of communication will transform into one of empowerment and openness, and you will find fresh ways of thinking, talking and relating. Imagine going a whole day, week or, better yet, a lifetime without ever making an excuse or blaming your partner or yourself. This is not to say that you shouldn't communicate your desires to your mate - you should, and often. The more openly, directly and intimately you speak about sex, the better your sexual experience can be.

Speak personally, forming statements or questions that begin with the word 'I'. For example, if you are tired of not getting the kind of attention you desire before sleep, instead of saying, 'You never touch me anymore,' why not try, 'I'd really like it if you would touch me like you used to. Could you rub my back for a few minutes while we cuddle?' That way, he doesn't feel the stinging arrows from one of the three killers of intimate talk - blaming, complaining and explaining - that usually succeed in pushing away a loved one.

Now let's get to another aspect of sexual communication. If you are like thousands of women and men, the sheer act of 'talking dirty' may send you screaming into the night. I have coached many women to say sexy words and to feel confident and sexy when they say them. Practising alone in front of a mirror is a good way to grow comfortable before you utter such things to your lover. This week, focus on what you say and how you say it. Say aloud, about 10 times, those words that make you queasy, and you will discover how they lose their cringe-making sound over time. Watch adult movies or share a stimulating bedtime story with your partner.

Focus on your fantasises in week four

Hot tip from Erotic Bond: Have some special touch or kiss or hug unique to the two of you. Make it say I love only you or forgive me. Make it become your safe special bond. Get more hot sex tips from the Lovers' guide direct to your phone

Talk about sex with fellow frisky iVillagers on the Let's Talk About Sex message board. Join in live discussions now