What do you do when you love your partner but can’t summon up the enthusiasm for passion? Kate Rew suggests ways of getting back that lovin’ feeling

If you’ve lost the desire to make love you’re not alone: an American Medical Association study found 40 per cent of women between 18 and 59 experienced some sort of sexual dysfunction. If this is the case with you, the first thing to do is rule out any physical causes. ‘Losing libido while pregnant, for a good year or two after having a baby, or at the menopause is very common,’ says Denise Knowles from Relate. ‘Diabetes and hormone imbalances can also cause problems.’

Antidepressants, drugs for high blood pressure and other prescription pills may also affect sex drive: 50 per cent of women on Prozac fail to reach orgasm. Ask your doctor about side effects – you may be able to reduce the dose or swap drugs.

Gynaecological operations can also be the cause of lost sensation and libido, but there are things that you can do, says Knowles, like learning how to change position to compensate. ‘If your doctor is floundering or unhelpful, refer yourself to a psychosexual clinic that will check you out physically, and help you get a referral to a gynaecologist or neurologist.’

‘I also see an ever increasing number of women who have lost their libido because of stress and work,’ Knowles adds. ‘Women are balancing family and work-life and often sexual relationships get pushed down the list of priorities.’ A Management Today survey of 2,000 people found 28 per cent of women said their sex life suffered because of their job; and a quarter of the AMA subjects admitted they had periods of ‘drought’ where they didn’t have any sexual feelings for their partner.

Whatever the reason for your lost libido, there are things you can do to restore that loving feeling.

Take time out
If your life is so busy you’re ruled by your diary, the answer is to schedule your relationship in – love and sexuality need to be nurtured. ‘When partners run out of time for general touching, women often lose their libido,’ says Knowles.

Try this relaxation exercise to get back in touch with yourself. Lie down and breathe in for the count of four and out for seven. Within ten minutes of doing that you will feel much more relaxed – and much more sensual. No time? ‘If you don’t have ten minutes for yourself you really have to ask what you’re doing,’ says Knowles. Also take time out to be sensual with each other, and yourself. ‘A lot of women don’t actually know what they want.’

Stop smoking
Smoking reduces your sex drive and is linked to weaker orgasms. Alcohol doesn’t help much either – the disinhibition felt after one or two drinks may make you feel in the mood, but any more will lessen sensation (and the less pleasurable sex is, the less likely it is you’ll desire it). Cutting down on both can raise libido.

Exercise
Exercise is relaxing and invigorating and makes you feel good about your body: all things that will help your sex life. And the better the blood flow around your body, the quicker and more intense your arousal. Pelvic floor exercises will improve muscle tone and blood flow to your pubic area, which can increase sensation – see Martica K Heaner’s The Seven Minute Sex Secret (Hodder & Stoughton, £5.99) for more information.

Take a warm bath
Taking a warm bath may significantly increase arousal, according to some new research. The temperature of the water increases blood flow to the pubic area, which stimulates the clitoris and improves lubrication.

Change your diet
Forget chocolate as an aphrodisiac: if your libido is lacking it could be fruit and vegetables that you need. Iron carries oxygen to all cells in the body and is needed for arousal, B vitamins help you feel good, in particular,B6, which helps regulate sex hormone functions. Calcium is required for the muscle contraction associated with orgasm, essential fatty acids are needed for acute senses, and chromium is needed for energy and libido. However, it’s not uncommon for modern women to be short of one if not all of these nutrients. A good healthy diet, rich in fruit and vegetables, is a good place to start, but see In Bed With The Food Doctors by Ian Barber and Vicky Edgson, (Collins And Brown, £14.99) for specific suggestions.

Take supplements
Viagra is not licensed for women – research has yet to clarify its safety. But there are natural alternatives. Ginkgo biloba may increase blood flow to the sexual organs, which heightens excitability and makes orgasms more intense. Siberian ginseng can help you cope with the other pressures life throws at you, so you feel less stressed and more able to switch off and have sex. And Herbal v-X, (£19.95 from health food shops) is a combination of herbs that studies suggest increases sexual satisfaction in women.

Please note: don’t self-medicate with herbs if you are pregnant, have high blood pressure, are on prescription drugs or have a chronic condition.

Talk about it
Sex therapists agree that it is more important for women to talk about sex than men: ‘with women, the brain is the biggest erogenous zone,’ says Knowles, ‘and anger is a powerful libido dampener.’ Feeling responsible for everything at home, even if you’re not actually doing all the housework, can lead to a cycle of feeling cross followed by withdrawal. Sometimes, we’re not even aware that we’re doing it. ‘But if you can’t feel, you can’t do anything else that begins with F,’ quips Knowles.

Self-reflection is a great place to start on working out issues, but also see Susan Quilliam’s book Love Coach (Thorsons, £6.99). Tricky issues may benefit from counselling or psychosexual therapy, which has a high success rate – 80 per cent of couples that go to Relate sexual counselling report improved sexual relations two years later. See your local Yellow Pages or www.relate.org.uk for details.