Bogged down with break up baggage? Move on and embrace your life again with our six steps to getting that ex out of your head

He's left you and the pain is terrible. You feel you're dying - you can't stop weeping, you can't sleep and the thought of a future without him is horrifying. So what do you do when you just can't get your ex out of your head?

Step one: face it
The first and possibly the hardest thing to do is to accept that the relationship is really over. So, no more fantasies about him turning up on your doorstep. No more compulsively dialling 1471 in case he rung while you were in the bathroom. Every morning when you wake and every night before you go to sleep, however much it hurts, tell yourself 'It's over.' This doesn't mean you have to feel good about that fact. It will hurt. But if you can face the problem - a bit like an addict recovering from an addiction - you will get through the suffering.

Step two: feel it
Breaking up is similar to bereavement. You will feel unhappy because he's gone. You will feel angry because he's treated you badly. You will feel guilty because maybe you could have saved the relationship. Go with the flow of your feelings. Don't push them down.

If you're alone, then let it all hang out. Howl - with the radio on if your neighbours object to noise. Plough your way through a whole box of tissues. Hit cushions. If you have good friends, then let it all hang out to them. Tell them everything you feel, with tears and rage. Two warnings here - don't tell them anything that you wouldn't want them to remember afterwards, because they will. And do spread your grief around - expecting one single friend to take the brunt is a lot to expect.

If you need help desperately, do what lots of people do - and what I myself have done in times of need - and call The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

Step Three: get clear of him
The bottom line is that your boyfriend is now your ex. However wonderful he is, he's not yours any more. In fact, if he was wonderful and compatible with you, he wouldn't be your ex. So it's important to put the relationship into perspective and to clear your head of any fantasies about him.

Write out all your criticisms, no holding back:

• Remember all the good times you had - and then debunk them: find something in each that wasn't really as good as you thought it was.
• Ask your friends, relatives and flatmates for their criticisms of him - and take them on board.
• Clear your life of him - get together all your memorabilia, hide it until you're ready to throw it away, or, better still, destroy it now as an act of self-empowerment.
• Make a conscious choice not to have him in your life - so that rather than him dumping you, you have now dumped him.
• It's best to make a clean break. But if you do have to meet your ex again, prepare yourself. Make positive affirmations beforehand such as 'I have moved on. I am fine on my own...' Be polite when you meet, but keep contact minimal. Switch off from him and turn your attention to other people who are there.

  Step Four: change your view of you
  Although you're feeling terrible about losing your love, underneath those feelings is a deeper, more terrible one about yourself. You are suffering not just because he's gone, but also because you feel you've failed and been rejected.

  Here are some tips to help boost your self-esteem:
  

  • Get other people who care for you to tell you how wonderful you are. Write down what they say, as they say it. Pin up all the compliments somewhere where you can see them.
  • Use body language to change your feelings. Smile in the mirror at every opportunity. Move quickly and with your head up. Literally put on a happy face.
  • Treat yourself - to a shopping spree, a massage or a good holiday. Only one warning: don't make your treats harmful ones. Pigging out on chocolates, cigarettes, alcohol or drugs will just make you put on weight, ruin your skin or delay your recovery.

  Step Five: build a new life
  Today is the first day of the rest of your life - without him. So start building. Move your furniture, clear the clutter, redecorate. Have a makeover, see a personal shopper, get a new style, create a new image. Pay a visit to the gym - exercise boosts serotonin and instantly makes you feel better.

  Live the life you want - go to bed when you want, eat what you want, go where you want. Do all those things you couldn't do because he didn't want to do them or because you were busy struggling to love him. Start setting goals and targets in your life - about your career, your leisure activities, your friends - and do this for a month, three months and a year. Above all, be reassured - your future will be better without him.

  Step Six: build a new relationship
  Don't rush immediately into new love. You need at least a month of being single for every year you were together - if not more. Just concentrate on making friends and being with friends for a while. You may be tempted to go on a sex spree, which is fine although don't forget to practice safe sex - use condoms. But don't ever confuse a sex spree with falling in love or starting a new relationship. It's convalescence, not the real thing.

  If you feel lonely, perhaps because you shared many friends and they've gone with him, join organisations and clubs. See this not as a way of meeting partners, but as a way of making contacts. Expand your social life and say yes to every invitation. Once you have a full social life, you can dump the clubs.

  When you do start to date, don't regard every man as a potential partner. Just go out with them as friends, to get in the practice, to start to relax around men and to boost your confidence.

  Finally, if you doubt that you can come through this break-up, remember this: five years after a relationship break-up has ended, the majority of men feel regret. Five years after a relationship break-up, the majority of women are glad it happened - even if they didn't initiate it. So hang in there. You will get over him.

  Resources:
  If you think that you are sliding into depression as a result of your break up, then see your GP.

  If you need expert help, contact The British Association for Counselling. They can suggest a counsellor in your area, so call them on 01788 550899 or alternatively email: bac@bac.co.uk Or access the Relate website www.relate.org.uk or 01788 573 241 to find your nearest Relate Centre.

  In emergency, phone the Samaritans: (www.samaritans.org.uk) on 08457 90 90 90.

  These books are helpful:
  

  • Moving On, Breaking Up without Breaking Down by Suzie Hayman - Vermilion £9.99
  • Starting Again - How to learn from the past for a better future by Sarah Litvinoff - Vermilion £7.99
  • The Break-up Survival Kit by Dr Pam Spurr - Robson Books £6.99
  • Losing A Love, Finding A Life by Susan Jeffers - Piatkus Books £5.99