The relationship audit

It's very easy to take a relationship for granted - particularly if it seems to be going well. But are there sharks lurking beneath the surface?

If you feel your relationship is strong enough for a challenge - or if you suspect that things are not as good as they could be - then iVillage has the answer. Our unique relationship audit workshop lets you explore your partnership in depth. See how it's doing. Discover if there are any danger spots or minefields?

Preparation
Set aside about three hours - a typical evening - when you and your partner can talk. Take the phone off the hook, put the remote control down the back of the sofa and leave the wine in the fridge, at least until later. You'll need clear heads and hearts to start to open up to each other.

Have two copies of the discussion points below, one for you and one for your partner. You will also need paper and pen handy.

Process
Each 'exploration' will involve you writing things down individually, then talking together about what you've written.

When it comes to the talking, it'll work better if you take it in turns, so that one person has the floor all to themselves and the listener simply listens. If necessary, get a small object and pass it from one to the other, the rule being that whoever's holding is the only one to speak.

Once you've each expressed your views about each question, go back and talk about what you've both learned. You'll get a lot not only from listening to your partner's views, but also from expressing your own. What did each of you say that the other didn't expect? What have you learned about each other? What do you now realise you need to change in order to make your relationship work even better? What action do you need to take to make these changes?

What not to do
It may be tempting to use this as an opportunity to get things off your chest, to let your partner know what's niggling you. Don't - that'll only bring the process to a swift halt as you both get so upset that you can't continue. Be careful about the language you use and don't:

  • List your partner's faults: he'll feel got at.
  • Tell your partner what he 'ought' to do or ought to have done: he'll feel told off.
  • Dig up past problems in a 'blamey' way: he'll feel the need to retaliate.
  • Compare your partner with someone else: he'll get defensive.
  • Sulk or lash out if your partner expresses dissatisfaction with you: he'll clam up and refuse to play.

    Don't rush to finish all the topics - if you get to talking deeply about one stick with it until you're clear. There's always another time.

    Instead, do?

  • Mention the good things just as much as your dissatisfactions.
  • Be honest about your feelings, but not brutal.
  • Listen carefully so that your partner feels appreciated.
  • Acknowledge your partner's points - even if you don't agree with them.
  • Give each other hugs if things get tricky.
  • If tempers really rise, take a break for a few minutes, or snuggle up and leave the whole thing until tomorrow.

    Exploration one: Where are we at?
    Each of you should write down in a single sentence - no more than ten words - about where you feel your relationship is right now. Then read your sentences out to each other and explain why you wrote what you did.

    You may find that there is a big difference in your opinions and that you have to keep calm and stick with the feelings that may come up. If your views of the relationship are very similar, talk about that, too.

    Exploration two: What about the practicalities?
    Each of you should complete these sentences in a way that feels right for you:

  • The place of friends in our life is?
  • Our money arrangements seem to be?
  • The division of labour between us seems?
  • Our mutual approach to children is?
  • I feel that when it comes to our families we?

    You may find at least one area where there is some friction. Try to talk it through calmly - and use the organisations or books listed at the end of this audit to find practical solutions.

    Exploration three: Do we really get on?
    Each of you should score the following statements on the scale: 5 if things are utterly excellent; 4 if they're very good; 3 if they're satisfactory and acceptable; 2 if they're not satisfactory; 1 if they're a serious problem.

  • The time we spend together
  • The amount we talk together
  • What we talk about
  • How much I trust my partner
  • How we resolve disagreements
  • How supported I feel by my partner

    You may find that some areas score really highly, others lowly. Concentrate on talking through how you feel about the 'low' areas - even if only one of you rates them down. Then make an action plan to sort out the problems.

    Exploration four: How's our sex life?
    Read the list below and beside each sentence write down your own personal answers. Then swap notes. Where are you in agreement? Where do you differ?

  • My favourite position
  • My favourite sexual activity
  • The best lovemaking we've had in the last six months
  • Something I've always wanted to ask you to do to me
  • Something I've always wanted to do to you
  • Something I've never told you about me and sex

    You may find a lot of inspiration for what to do in bed or that you have to face some mismatches in sexual style. You may also find, just occasionally, that some upsetting stuff comes up about past sexual experiences.

    Exploration five: What does the future hold?
    Draw a line from left to right of a piece of paper. The start of the line is the present. The end of the line is the end of your life. Mark dots along the line to signal: 6 months from now; 1 year from now; 5 years from now; 10 years from now; 25 years from now.

    Now write a few words at each point to say where you think you'd like to be - in work, with your friends and with your relationship.

    You may find some mismatch in your life goals. If so, talk about how you can both achieve what you want in your lives with each other.

    Extra help
    If, once you've done this audit, you find you need extra support, then try these suggestions:

    Relate
    Tel: 01788 573241
    Visit: www.relate.org.uk
    Email: enquiries@nationalrelate.org.uk

    British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT)
    Tel: 020 8543 2707 (helpline)
    Visit: www.basrt.org.uk
    Email: info@basrt.org.uk

    Good books

  • Stop Arguing Start Talking by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion £6.99)
  • Love Coach by Susan Quilliam (Thorsons £6.99)
  • Loving Yourself Loving Another by Julia Cole (Vermilion £6.99)
  • Relate Guide To Better Relationships by Sarah Litvinoff (Vermilion £7.99)
  • The Guide To Getting It On! by Paul Joannides (Vermilion £14.99)
  • Stop Fighting About Money by Corinne Sweet (Hodder & Stoughton £6.99)

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