Why children become runaways

Thousands of children flee their homes every year because of conflict with parents. Marie Dawson reveals the key to keeping your child safe at home

It's 9pm on an ordinary Monday night. If your children are watching television, doing homework or even squabbling over who can use the Playstation, count your blessings. While you're sorting out the bath rota or making hot chocolate, thousands of parents all over the UK are staring into strangely neat bedrooms as still and empty as a mausoleum, at beds that may not have been slept in for weeks or months, at toys and clothes lying untouched.

Their child has run away. He or she might be a son or daughter as young as six or an older child in their teens. Like all parents whose child suddenly disappears, they vacillate between hope and despair as they struggle with the pain of wild imaginings, the interminable mental catalogue of 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' and the roll-call of promises to make things better if only their child comes safely home.

The good news is that probably 90 per cent of all children who go missing are safely home within 48 hours. These children are likely to have had a spat with a sibling or parent, stormed upstairs, hurled a few possessions into a bag, and flung themselves out of the front door shouting 'I'm running away.' Fortunately, they rarely get further than the end of the road, before the need for a hug and the thought of food calls them home.

Far more disturbing are the facts about true runaways. According to The Children's Society, as many as 100,000 children under 16 (one ninth of the age group) run away from home or care every year in the UK - 77,000 of them for the first time. One in 14 child runaways first flees before the age of eight.

  • Over the page: what makes children run?

    What makes children run?
    According to The Children's Society, 80% of children who go missing run away to escape problems at home, which can include physical violence or the threat of violence, emotional abuse and neglect; 35% try to flee personal difficulties; 23% want to escape school and 13% run away for miscellaneous reasons.

    By far the biggest trigger to propel a small son or daughter from their home into the street is tension with parents. The Children's Society lists several triggers that make a child most vulnerable to running away. All revolve around marital separation, divorce, remarriage and new families:

  • Conflict between parents before separating.
  • Parents separating.
  • Family separation leading to one parent leaning too heavily on a child.
  • Family break-up leading to a child being placed in care.
  • Living with a lone parent.
  • New stepfamily formation.
  • A young person (teenager) being forced to leave home.

    'The statistics are very sad,' says a spokesperson for The Children's Society. 'We know that children as young as six, seven or eight run away for a variety of reasons if their family is going through transition or restructure.'

    Fleeing conflict
    Marital break-up plays a huge role in making children want to flee. Unable to bear the constant arguments between separating parents, or the divided loyalties that often result, children mistakenly believe that running away will end their chaos.

    According to the experts, a small child is unable to grasp the nature of the world outside his or her front door with all its inherent dangers. In their minds, running from the problem is its own solution. The questions 'Where am I running to?' or 'Who will take care of me?' never enter their minds.

  • Over the page: make sure your child doesn't run

    Linda Creek, who has counselled parents and children for 13 years, agrees that the main goal of a child caught up in a situation of conflict at home is to get away from terrible feelings - especially powerlessness. 'For any of us, child or adult, to feel powerless over our circumstances is deeply disturbing. As adults, many of us are generally very good at running away from our problems and difficulties by using avoidance behaviours such as alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, overspending or overwork. Yet we are somehow surprised when our children do the same, and even more surprised when a child's distancing is geographical.'

    Empowering parents
    It is not easy for any parent to cope when faced with a traumatic divorce and feeling emotionally fragile. But it's very important, stresses Creek, for a parent to send positive signals to a child that say that whatever is going on between Mummy and Daddy, the child is deeply loved and can feel secure.

    'Aim never to be disrespectful to each other when children are there to witness it and encourage your extended family and friends to follow the same rule in the presence of your children,' she said.

    'Try and involve all members of the family in an age-appropriate way that allows children to voice their anxieties and fears. Sadly when parents are at war, children frequently get caught in the crossfire. And when the parents are focused on their own fight, their children's needs can get overlooked.'

    How to make children feel safe
    If you're going through a tough time, get support, says Creek. 'You might need to explore your own emotions either as a couple or separately with a professional or a good friend. Don't be fooled if your children appear to be handling tension well. Even if a child or young person appears to be fine, there is almost certainly a grief process going on.'

  • Over the page: counsellor's suggestions

    She also suggests the following:

  • Watch out for signs of emotional stress in your children. This may take many forms - rebellion against authority; truancy from school; hyperactivity; depression; or anxiety. A child under strain might resort to self-harming, stealing or bullying or display compulsive behaviour. Be watchful and get support and information to help your child.

  • Be non-judgemental about your child 'acting out'. A parent should be familiar with signs of alcohol or drug misuse and sexuality issues. Read up on all the leaflets available in your doctor's surgery or local authority offices. Also read teenage magazines and watch teen dramas.

    Culture changes very quickly and activities which were thought of as rare when parents were children, such as body piercing, tattooing, underage binge drinking or using soft drugs such as cannabis, may well be seen as more the norm among your children's peer group. Recognise what a strong influence your children's peers have on them and get to know their friends. Always keep the lines of communication open.

  • Be open to counselling. More children and young people are seeking counselling today. If adults hold outdated attitudes - such as 'counselling is only for other people' - not only are they being unrealistic, but they are also failing to make themselves fully available to their children. Make sure your child knows you approve of counselling and the ways to access this type of support if they want it.

  • Admit when you are wrong. Perhaps the most important tool in preventing your child from running away in times of emotional stress is the ability to say 'I'm sorry' or 'I was wrong'.

    Says Creek: 'If a parent always apologises for any hurt caused to a child, this models respectful and caring boundaries. It tells your child that even as adults we frequently get it wrong - and often have our own problems - but with communication and caring, anything can be resolved.'

    Further advice
    Runaways and Helping Children In A Changing Family are just two of the advice leaflets for parents and carers available from The Children's Society.