Mediation can be the solution to the practical problems couples face when a marriage ends. Family lawyer and mediator Charlotte Friedman outlines the benefits

Separating from the person with whom you have had a long-term relationship can be extremely painful. When it involves deconstructing a life together that includes finances and children, the pain can become intolerable. At the same time that emotions are running high, and anger, resentment and frustration are the order of the day, you have to communicate with your partner - the last person on earth you feel like dealing with rationally.

Couples resort to the law in the hope that it will untangle their marriage and distribute to each of them the things they feel are rightly theirs. In fact, what often happens is that it is the start of an extremely costly and frustrating process. Couples who already are at odds with each other can become polarised by their respective legal advice and their own resentment. They are no longer arguing about the silver but about their perceived betrayal of their relationship: 'The other person will pay for what he/she has done to me.' The process is lengthy and drains both finances and emotions. Ultimately, a judge will impose an order that may not reflect what either of them set out to achieve.

Focusing on the practical
A mediator facilitates conversation between the separating couple that they would very likely find impossible to have on their own. An experienced mediator will do away with the 'emotional baggage' that cramps conversations between a warring couple and enable them to focus on the practical issues that need sorting out. Through mediation a workable understanding can be reached, whether it is in respect of finances, where the children will live or how much contact the children will have with each parent. At the end of the sessions, commonly no more than three or four, an 'agreement' can be drawn up by the mediator and given to the couple's respective solicitors. This can then become a court order if the couple wish.

Making each partner heard
Women often feel 'unheard' and 'unacknowledged' by their partners. A reasonable chat can end abruptly when a partner responds angrily, consequently preventing the conversation reaching closure. Mediation constrains this type of exchange so that each person can be heard and conversations and both partners can come to a feasible conclusion.

Mediation is neither a form of therapy or a process of reconciliation. Mediation removes the sting out of couples' conversations. It is a practical way of enabling couples to find their own solutions to their own identified issues. The mediator's skill is in helping the couple come to their own understanding by helping them to focus on the issues they wish to explore. Bruised by the divorce procedure, the neutral aspect of mediation is what couples find so useful.

The next steps - after mediation
Either during or after mediation, each person can consult their own solicitor, who can give them legal advice as to whether the understanding they are reaching is within the parameters of what they might hope to achieve in court. Their solicitors can give advice on what the other may be offering. Therefore any 'agreement' that is reached can be with the benefit of legal advice.

If mediation is successful, both people will emerge feeling that communication with their ex is possible - even if it is limited. A couple will feel they have reached their own set of 'solutions' - not those imposed by a court, or any other third party. They will also have saved an enormous amount of time and expense, which could be put to much better use.

After 19 years of legal experience with divorcing and separating couples, I feel that mediation offers a real alternative to those people who ideally would like to do it for themselves. Although it's important to note that for some people mediation is not appropriate, for example, where there is domestic violence.