In the immortal words of George Gershwin, 'You like potato and I like po-tah-to', or in the equally unforgettable words of one iVillager, 'He wants a quickie and I want to make love'. So is it time to call the whole thing off? iVillagers debate

It is surprising how many young, recently married couples seem disillusioned with their newly wedded state. Is it because they expected different things from the relationship now it is legally binding?

Myths about married women
A debate broke out on the marriage board when iVillager lenny put up a jokey list of what women expected from men once they had tied the knot. Apparently, the average women wants 2.4 children, a husband with three functional credit cards and needs to be reassured that they are loved '138 times a day'. On the issue of sex, married women only want to make love and won't put up with a 'quickie'. Finally, if this isn't terrifying enough, attached women also don't like their partners to have too many female friends, though they may let a few ugly or married ones through the net just to prove they aren't completely unreasonable.

Although lenny's list of what women want out of marriage was a joke, it is nevertheless revealing - it reflects the stereotypes of nagging wives you hear on telly and down the pub. Not surprisingly, the women on the board, whether married or not, bear no resemblance to the nagging and needy image presented by lenny's list. Women have responded by describing what they really want out of marriage and people who had been married for a while explain the value of shared experience.

What wives really want
Lenny seems to have been unlucky in the women he has met. None of his fellow board members seems especially bothered about the state of their partner's credit card. All tilly wants is 'someone thoughtful - this does not have to involve lots of money or constant reassurances from him, just the odd smile or gentle touch.' She goes on to say that both partners should have friends of the opposite sex. Most of the board members agree that they want someone who makes them laugh and 'to have the odd bonk with when we're not both too tired'.

It isn't only men worrying about what women want out of marriage: lots of women come to the board unable to cope with their husbands' expectations. Considering how far we've come since the women's rights movement, it's surprising how many men still expect their wives to carry out most of the household work. iVillager cahagis says, 'I work 8+ hours a day, do all the laundry, dishes and cleaning. He's mad because I don't cook as well. When I ask him to help me, he always says he will, but never does.'

Meanwhile, yolanda's husband accuses her of sponging despite the fact she looks after their child and seven-bedroom home. Abi is passionate about this issue after seeing her mum ground down by a full-time job and all the work in the home. Now many of her friends are putting up with the same treatment. She says, 'There must be someone out there who has made a 50/50 split of household chores and made it work. Why should it be down to us in the first place to divide the workload?'

As time goes by
Thoughts on marriage and relationships can turn into a game of Chinese whispers, with each sex turning the other into a caricature. For example, how does the reasonable desire for a thoughtful partner translate into a desperate need for constant reassurance '138 times a day.' Poor lenny explains that he was only joking and that when he finds the right woman he will happily settle down with her. It seems that his idea of a happy marriage is not that different from many of the female board members'.

Many of the problems faced by young couples may just be part of settling in - judging from the response of long-married board members the rewards take a while to recognise and appreciate. Once you do, though, for many people it is worth it. As one married board member says, 'Now every little joy is a blessing - we're mostly happy. We both know that if it went belly-up tomorrow we'd be okay because we support each other.'

Weathering storms together
What people really seem to value in their marriage is the companionship that comes from intimate knowledge of someone. As tollysmum says: 'I like the steady accumulation of shared history and memories (some very sad). When I saw my husband carrying my mothers coffin into church with my three brothers - I think that was the moment I knew it was life for us.' Similarly, jenny describes what she values most in her marriage: 'We've really weathered some storms, and sometimes we have hated each other for months at a time, but really at the end of the day, I have to say that its been worth sticking it out, because I have gained a best friend I couldn't exist without.'

These valued aspects of long marriages - sharing, companionship, friendship and memories - is a far cry from the dizzy romance that characterises the engagement and wedding. Perhaps it just takes a while for young couples to reconcile these two images of married life. The jostling over housework, bills and the frequency of sex is simply the teething process between the wedding and a happy marriage.

The important thing, at the beginning, is not to conform too much to your partner's expectations of you, and, in return, to gracefully relinquish some of your own ideals. As long as clear boundaries are set out from the start (an agreement to share the housework equally is vital), then it seems that men and women don't have wildly different views of married life - they just like something to complain to their mates about down the pub.

Have a look at what other iVillagers are talking about LIVE on the Highs and Lows of Being a Couple message board.