You're watching the World Cup down the pub and the bloke you want to snog is really into it, but you haven't got a clue what all the fuss is about. The easy way to impress him is to follow this Bluffers Guide

Situation	What not to say	What to say
David Beckham has once again hurt his foot.	'What's all the fuss about, he's not that good anyway?'	'That was a disgraceful tackle; I can't believe he hasn't been told to go for an early bath!'
England make it to the semi- finals and are drawing with France when the final whistle blows.	'Oh good, a penalty shootout, we're really good at them.'	'NOOOOOOOOOO! I can't watch.' (Bury head in hands and rock slightly.)
Raging thirst brought on by shouting at match.	'Anyone fancy half a shandy or white wine spritzer?'	'My round, who's for a pint then?'
Marginal offside decision that would have left Michael Owen with a clear shot at goal.	'Isn't he little, and so cute.'	'He was level, for God's sake!'
England are playing Argentina when one of the opposition's long-haired strikers scores.	'Doesn't that Alice band look good on him? I wonder where he gets his roots done.'	'We can still make it through to the knockout stage. COME ON ENGLAND!'
Referee sends off Paul Scholes after a bad tackle almost kills a Swedish midfielder.	'I'm glad he's gone, he's so ginger he looks sore. It was making my eyes water looking at him.'	'The heat must've got to him.'
Batistuta (the Argentine striker) is rolling around play-acting for a non-existent foul.	'He looks like he's really hurt. I think the referee should send Sol Campbell off for that.'	'Get up, you cheating scumbag!'
Germany and England are drawn to meet in the semi-finals	'Well, that's it then, we're going out for sure.'	'Remember Munich.'
England win the World Cup.	'We didn't deserve that.'	'IT'S COMING HOME, IT'S COMING HOME. FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME!' (Hug everyone.)