Setting the boundaries

A cold authoritarian parent makes for a miserable family life. But, as Coram Family says, it doesn’t help to be so lax and tolerant that you never set limits.

Young children do need to know that there are limits and, as a parent, you’re the one to set those limits. You’re not your child’s best friend or big sibling. They’ll expect you to take charge of what’s happening, so you need to be authoritative, rather than authoritarian –what used to be called ‘firm but fair’.

Your task, as a parent, is not about holding on to power and control. You need to guide your child with actions, as well as words, especially, where very young children are concerned.

Showing and telling is what’s needed:

  • Babies will fling their food, along with anything else they can grasp. They aren’t being deliberately messy and, certainly, not ‘naughty’. But you can guide them with actions, supported with a kind and firm, ‘No, the food stays on your plate’. You can take away an item that isn’t a plaything, and give them something that can be dropped or thrown.
  • Toddlers may need to be diverted from poking the video, or the long-suffering cat, and towards things that will stand up to this robust treatment.
  • By all means, tell your two-year-old not to hit the cat, but also show him directly what ‘gentle’ looks like, and be pleased with him when he copies your action.
  • You’ll need to take your four-year-old back up to bed, when she keeps appearing in the evening. Telling her to go back is unlikely to be enough.
Toddlers are curious; that’s how they learn, and they don’t have a mental list of what they can and can’t touch. Tell them a firm ‘No’ and hold their hand to stop them. Offer an alternative that they can touch or encourage them to ‘look – but don’t touch’. Children need this guidance more than once. But they’ll get the hang of it, and may even repeat your own words like, ‘No, not the plant’, in order to stop themselves.

  • Hold yourself back, if you’re tempted to hit. You can turn the action into a hand clap or a smack on the table to get your children’s attention.
  • If children are about to do something dangerous, hold them back physically. When they’re very young, you just have to keep them safe and then explain your concerns. Hitting children for stepping into the road or grabbing the teapot tells them nothing useful, just that you’re cross, and that, it’s fine to hit people when you’re cross.
  • Calm down time can be important for everyone. Perhaps your child needs to have a place to sit and wind down – not a ‘naughty’ place, just a peaceful place. Parents often need to count to ten as well. To avoid a battle and re-start with your child in a friendly way, without nagging or harking back.
Parents don’t need to pretend to be perfect. If you’ve been unfair or shouted, then show that you can say ‘sorry’ and mean it. Overall, put your main effort into ‘catching children out being good’. Young children flourish with plenty of encouragement for what’s gone well. They’re disheartened if only their ‘bad’ behaviour gets a decent amount of attention.