Do you ‘row’ behind closed doors or do you let your children see that disagreement is normal? Susan Quilliam lets rip with ways to handle a difference of opinion.

Arguments are quite simply a fact of life – ninety per cent of couples have them. But while disagreements between two partners are acceptable, when you start a family it becomes a whole different ball game.

How should you handle disagreements once you have children? Hide away in the privacy of your own bedroom? Blast off while the little ones are present? Is there anything they can learn from your disagreements? Or is it best to let them believe – at least while they’re very young – that Mummy and Daddy never have a cross word.

Learn to live with difference
The first thing to learn is that there’s absolutely no way you can eradicate all disagreements. The two of you are different people so you will naturally disagree on some things.

So begin by letting go of the idea that the slightest sign of dissent has to be eradicated from your relationship – if you try, you’ll both just get so tense you’ll end up arguing more. Instead, chill out around times and places where you differ. This not only means you’ll argue less. It will also mean that your children will get to be more comfortable with difference – and hence a lot easier to live with.

Develop ways to handle disagreement
Disagreement is only natural – but some ways of handling it are better than others. If you can catch an issue early and talk it through before strong feelings get built up, it’s all a lot easier.

So if you spot something looming, begin by sitting down and talking through what you both need in that situation. ‘How do you want to do this? . . .What do you want here?’ Then brainstorm all the possible solutions you could find. ‘What are the possibilities? Here’s another idea.’ Then negotiate something that works for both of you. ‘Are you happy with that? I’d really prefer.’ Do this in front of the kids, calmly and energetically, and they’ll learn even more socially useful lessons.

For extra help with these skills, buy Getting to Yes, by Roger Fisher, published by Arrow at £8.99.

Improve your disagreement style
It’s very easy to get into bad habits about handling disagreement. So it’s a good idea to make sure that you’re not falling into any of them when you ‘demonstrate’ your loving relationshiop in front of a watching audience of small people.

Get irritated, naggy, whingey, whiney, interrupt each other, contradict each other, blame each other, shut down or walk out – and you will not only teach your children unuseful social lessons. You’ll also end up feeling bad yourselves and unable to resolve anything.

On the other hand, learn to talk calmly... take it in turns to speak.... ask each other good questions... take each other’s points on board... give credit where it’s due... be flexible and creative in resolving conflicts – and you’ll not only get agreement much quicker. You’ll also develop emotionally literate children.

Don’t hide conflict away
When you can’t agree something, there’s a good chance you’ll actively argue. But to some extent even this may well be educational. All children old enough to understand language need to start having models of conflict resolution in their lives. And if they don’t get those models, they won’t know what to do when they’re old enough to have conflict – conflict with their partners, friends or even you.

They may end up unable to control their anger, or only able to give in to anyone who gets angry with them. They’ll feel disempowered and unhappy rather than knowing how to make peace and get the best outcome.

So yes, avoid bad habits. And keep it relevant – it’s not appropriate to row about heavy sexual issues for example. But don’t just shut down if things get heated. The kids will know there’s something up anyway and if you try to pretend nothing’s wrong, they’ll just get confused and know you’re not being completely honest. On the other hand...

Hide away when...
The first exception to this rule is when you are arguing about how to handle your children. For their own emotional security, they need to know you are not arguing about them and that the two of you are consistent in the way you treat them. So present a united front, give a unified party line.

The second exception to the ‘arguments out front’ rule is when it gets vicious. If your arguments get to the point of personal insult or attack – or, of course, violence – then your children absolutely do not need to witness this. The alternative is not simply to keep your arguments until after they go to bed. It’s to get help fast, as you are probably heading for relationship breakdown. Access the Relate website.

Talk about it
Discussing arguments after the event, if it’s done right, can be very helpful to children because it helps them understand – and learn – the process. Of course, this doesn’t mean using that discussion to repeat or rehearse negative feelings you have about your partner.

It does mean being willing to explain to your children why the two of you argued, what you felt before and after, how you resolved the argument and so got it right and what you did wrong that you could have done better. ‘We were discussing whether to buy a new television. We both got very upset which didn’t help. But in the end we looked at how much money we had, and then we decided...’

So don’t automatically run for shelter next time you feel a disagreement brewing. Instead, use it as a learning experience not only for you in how to improve your relationship, but also for your children in how to improve theirs.

Read my book Stop Arguing Start Talking, published by Vermilion at £6.99.