You're exhausted, busy and he hasn't taken the bin out - again. Avoid these dire days for good

Of course, some relationship problems are down to incompatibility. Or to crisis - you've just lost your job, he's just had an affair. But most of the time you and your partner end up at each other's throats, there's just one reason. Life. You're physically exhausted and out of energy mentally. You just can't cope.

Think back over the past month and ask your man to do the same if he's willing. Ask yourself how many rows you've had within half an hour of coming in from work, or within an hour of opening that bottle of wine. If the answer is more than three in the last four weeks, then read on.

Tired out
Do you both work? Do you both work hard? Do you both work long hours and then come home to the housework and the kids? If you do, then sheer exhaustion may be making trouble.

Slow down. Cut down on non-essential work. Make more time for sleep and regular breaks away. And think seriously about shortening your hours. That may mean less income, but the reward could be a stronger relationship.

Stressed out
If you demand a lot of yourself or if family, friends and boss demand a lot of you, then sheer stress may make you irritable and depressed. Feeling affectionate or passionate will be the last thing on your mind in the evening.

Relaxation's the key here. Half an hour spent listening to music, or better still a relaxation tape, can cool you down enough to give and receive love. Longer term, take steps to investigate alternative approaches - like aromatherapy - to help keep you more relaxed on a day-to-day basis. Check out Alt-Med.com for ideas.

Lovely bubbly
It's so tempting. Come in, hit the fridge, get out a bottle of wine. Before you know it, you're three glasses down and in the mood for a fight. Alcohol removes your normal safeguards, so you end up saying things just to get at your partner, and saying them aggressively.

If you regularly drink in the evening, water it down or choose low alcohol drinks. Or cut out drinking during the week and just drink at weekends, when you're not so likely to have had a hard day. If you think you may be out of control with alcohol then contact Alcoholics Anonymous.

Illness
If one or both of you has been ill, this can make you ratty. The classic is when first one, then the other of you, goes down with flu and thenboth are weepy and neither gets well looked after. This is disaster time.

If you can draft in help from friends and family, do it - don't be proud. If you can't, then take things easy and expect to feel tearful and low. If one or both of you are down for more than two weeks, see your GP. It could have turned into relationship-rotting depression.

Hormones
Your hormones can make you feel bad and feeling bad will affect your relationship. Whether it's PMT, pregnancy blues, postnatal depression, the menopause, or medication hormones such as the pill - you need to avoid hormonal imbalance. Get help from your GP if you feel your hormones are causing you problems. The website Womens-health.com is very useful.

Who are you again?
If you don't spend enough time together rows may happen when you do see each other, because you're sorting through all those unresolved issues.

My husband and I sorted that one a few years ago by introducing 'down time'. When we come in, we don't eat until we've each had ten minutes to share the ups and downs of our days. This works wonders.

Give me some space
On the other hand, if your lifestyle dictates that you spend a lot of time with each other, then you can get on each other's nerves through over-exposure. You both need time alone, and in your own space, on a regular basis. If you don't have much room at home, then go for a walk or have an early night. Down time on the computer helps too - so long as you don't spend all your time online and no time with your love.

Special days
Strange as it may seem, key days in your life can mean low points in your relationship. Anniversaries may make you feel tearful. Important events may make you stressed. Celebrations may make you feel bad because you expect the best and it doesn't happen.

If a key day in your life is looming, recognise it. Go easy on yourself - and on each other. Talk it through and make an extra effort to keep calm and kind.

It is possible - and more than possible - to avoid bad relationship days. So check out all the elements I've mentioned. Make a note of those that strike home, then take action. You can troubleshoot your life and get rid of those bad relationship days altogether.