| iVillagers coping with miscarriage
Finding that family and friends 'don't know what to say', iVillagers share their experiences on the Miscarriage message board to help come to terms with their loss Vanessa's story Vicki's story Vanessa's story I didn't realise I was pregnant and therefore had no midwife or doctor to turn too. Afterwards I just felt like my whole world had stopped, and everyone was still carrying on as normal around me. We told our families and they were sorry, but after that they didn't mention it, perhaps they didn't know what to say, but I really wanted to talk about it. My mother was very good and she would listen whenever I needed her to. A few people said, "Well you've already got one, so it's not that bad," and they couldn't understand why I was upset. I just kept telling myself that there must have been something wrong with the baby, and it was better for it to happen now rather than later. Also, I feel that compared to the other ladies on this site I got off lightly - I never saw a heartbeat on my scan and I didn't need a D&C. So it could have been much worse. iVillage has been a great source of support and comfort, and I wish someone had told me about it straight after I'd miscarried, as I had no aftercare and was left to deal with it alone. I find that it really helps me to offer support to others who have had a hard time.' Emily's story My parents don't get on with my fiance, so they were not supportive of the pregnancy. It was while I was staying with them that I miscarried. It was quite bad and I was taken to hospital, where I later had a D&C. I'd lost the baby two days before the three months stage. I returned to university a few days later, finding it too hard being at home, and spent the next week or so having to tell all my friends what had happened. That was one of the hardest things about it all. A couple were understanding but most of them didn't know what to say, or just said the wrong thing (one of them told me to just get on with my life as it was just a bunch of cells!). I was a complete wreck for the next two months, as I just couldn't believe that my baby had died. People think that because the baby is unborn, it is less important or easier to deal with when it dies, but it isn't. As my fiance hadn't been with me at the time, he felt like he hadn't had a chance to say goodbye. So we tied one of the scan photos onto a helium balloon, and then let it go by 'The Angel' - one of the monuments in our town. That did actually help quite a lot. One of the things that helped me the most was something that my fiance said. I was crying over the fact that I wasn't going to be a mum and he said, "You are a mum, nothing can take that away from you, he just can't be here." And the Miscarriage message board is so good because you can cry, laugh and scream with the other women and know that they understand 100 per cent.' Fiona's story We had to go to The Queen Mother hospital in Glasgow for the baby to have a heart scan. At almost 25 weeks it was discovered that Emily had a major heart defect (pulmonary atresia). She had only one pumping chamber - the right one was too small and her pulmonary valve was non-existent. We were devastated. Emily was going to be delivered two weeks early in the Queen Mother hospital. After the birth she would be given prostaglandin to keep her patent ductus open. Then, depending on how strong she was, she would have open-heart surgery at only a few days old, then two more major operations before she was a year old. The doctors painted a really black picture, but I think they have to tell you all the facts. We were offered a termination, but it wasn't an option for us. I was monitored very closely throughout the pregnancy and had a scan every one to two weeks. At almost 34 weeks I hadn't felt the baby move so I went for a scan. I'll never forget the look on the sonographer's face when she said, "I'm so sorry." I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare. Nothing prepares you when the worst does happen. The hospital staff were brilliant, and we were taken to a ward away from the maternity wards. I was given a tablet to lower my hormones then told to come back the next morning to be induced. We went into hospital on a Thursday morning, where I was given a course of tablets to bring on labour. The first course didn't work, nor the second or the third. It was Saturday by this time and still no sign of labour starting. I got a triple dose of the tablet to lower my hormones on the Sunday and on the Monday I was given a course of pessaries. After the second one my waters finally broke. Emily was stillborn at 6.38pm on 3rd December 2001 weighing 5lbs 5oz. I felt an enormous sense of relief, and pleased with myself that I had done it. My husband was upset, after watching me go through all that - and he saw her being born. Emily was cleaned up and brought to us, I was a bit apprehensive about looking at her and holding her. She was beautiful. They nurses took hand- and footprints of her and some hair, and made up a little booklet. They also took lots of photos for us and made up a birth certificate. My minister came in later and performed a blessing for her - it was lovely. My eldest daughter had wanted to see Emily when she was born, so my dad took her to the hospital and we let her see her. She said she was beautiful and had a little cry, then went home with her grandpa. I am glad we let her see Emily as it helped her deal with her grief and say goodbye. She has coped with things very well - I think it helped being honest with her. Emily stayed with us the whole night until about 1pm the next day. We had a small funeral a week later. It has been almost four months since Emily was stillborn, and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about her. It still hurts, and it probably always will, but it has lessened a bit. People tend not to talk about her much now, which is sad for me as I don't want people to forget her. My husband and I and my eldest daughter still talk about her, because I find it helps. We are so lucky that we have two gorgeous girls to help us get through. We are not having any more children, since we found out that I was expecting Emily two weeks before my husband had a vasectomy. We were planning on only having two children - Emily was a 'surprise'.' Alison's story Everyone had an opinion and advice to offer, most of which was unhelpful and even hurtful. The only advice I received that was useful was from women who had experienced miscarriage first-hand. One woman told me about how she planted a rose in her child's memory and we also decided to do the same. To see it from my kitchen window every day brings great comfort. My husband was extremely supportive and it was him I turned to. He bore the brunt of all the grief and for this I thank him. When we were finally blessed with our daughter we realised the true gift of a child. She is our little miracle and so very, very special. After our third loss she became my little rock and helped me tremendously with my grief. It is amazing how strong a four-year-old can be! My husband did not cope with a third miscarriage quite so well. As I did not need to turn to him as much he was alone in his grief and all three losses overwhelmed him and contributed to him having a breakdown. No one asks how the dad feels - all the attention and sympathy is given to the woman. We must remember that he too has lost a child. I found joining the Miscarriage Association a great comfort, just knowing we were not alone and that hope comes through even the toughest odds. The advice I would give to any couple unfortunate enough to experience miscarriage is to talk to each other and to others who have been through it. Don't make it a taboo topic, cry openly, and do not feel guilty. Never try to forget your baby that died before he or she was born. Plant something or buy a special ornament as a memorial for your baby. Due dates are hard, so take the day off work and do something special. Anniversaries of the day you lost your baby are hard too, so explain to people why you are tearful. Finally, don't give up hope - there is light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel. But you will need help to get there - don't go it alone.' Nicky's story After that round of tests I was booked in for a laparoscopy. A small amount of endometriosis was found but apart from that everything was clear. Although I was ovulating normally, the specialist put me on Clomid to try to increase the chances and Jeff was put on Tamoxifen. After four months on the Clomid (after 28 months of trying to conceive), we got pregnant. We were so thrilled that we called everyone straight away. I joined the iVillage boards for Mums of Babies due Oct-Dec 2002. It was great fun sharing the hopes and fears and finding out that all those symptoms are quite common - even if a little embarrassing! Because we had been on the fertility drugs, there was an increased risk of multiples, so I was feeling extra lucky that I had an early scan at 8.5 weeks. I had surfed the Web to find pictures of a scan at 8.5 weeks so I knew what it should look like. When we went for the scan, the sonographer didn't say too much - asked about my dates and that's about it. I could see the screen and knew straight away that it didn't look like the others I had seen. I knew it was bad news. The sac was growing at the normal rate, but our baby was only the size of a 6-week-old and there was no heartbeat. The sonographer was great really - she was honest and I am glad for that. She said that although they do see discrepancies in the size of the baby and the sac, it was only about a week, not over two weeks. We were told I would have to go back in a week's time to check if it had grown, but that it didn't look good. I knew then that our baby was dead. Jeff was great. He held my hand, but let me stay a bit aloof so I could hold myself together to some degree until we got home. There we could let out the shock and grief. I cried. I called my best friend who had miscarried recently. I needed to talk to someone who knew what it felt like, who understood. I felt better once I had told her, once she had told me how she had felt emotionally and physically. We phoned round family and friends as well as work to let them know what had happened. It was a bit daunting, but after a few calls, the support and love everyone showed really helped make me feel a bit better - not so alone. I knew all the ladies on the Mums of Babies board on iVillage were eagerly awaiting news of the scan results. I wasn't scared of telling them and was amazed at how quickly how many messages of love and support came back from them. One of the ladies suggested I leave a message on the Miscarriage board on iVillage. I did, and again the messages of support were fantastic. I was able to ask questions about what might happen next. Waiting out that week until the next scan was torture. On the day, when we looked at the screen we saw that sac was now the shape of a bendy hot-dog and the baby had just about disappeared. A nurse told us our options and I told her I wanted a surgical evacuation. The surgery was fine - it was quick and I had very little pain. I had the week off work to recover. I didn't feel ill, but I felt exhausted and emotionally drained. Jeff was my rock. My friends and family were great and the ladies on the boards were brilliant. I also found comfort in being able to offer support to others during their bad days and times of grief. I am so glad I found those boards. The first day back to work was tough too. Some people said the right things, some said the wrong things and some just didn't say anything at all. The work itself seemed quite unimportant, but going through the motions gave some structure to the days. Jeff and I have become so much closer since the miscarriage. We decided that we should start trying to conceive straight away. I know we will have a baby someday. We just have to keep trying and hoping, because right now, hope is all we have. If I can make you believe anything about your miscarriage it would be that it is not your fault. There are no guarantees and it may happen again, but it also may not and I am sure that the reward is worth the risk of being hurt again. (www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk) Why not get support and advice from other iVillagers on the Coping With Miscarriage message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place right now on the board:
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