Every September, thousands of parents have to let go of their children as they head off to university and many tears are shed on campuses around the country.

According to popular stereotypes, parents dread the day their children head for university and students can't wait. As a school counsellor, I have found this to be true of my students - on the outside. Beneath the world-weary blase that is the secondary-school version of method acting, many are scared stiff.

The process of separation begins months before the first suitcase hits the family car. The initial sign is an exaggeration of normal family dynamics. Where a child has always tested limits, the push and pull escalates into a full-scale tug-of-war. Where conversations have generally been limited to words like 'Fine' and 'Nothing' (as in 'How are you?' and 'What did you do today?'), the student becomes even more tight-lipped.

A little turbulence is par for the course, but some parents react with panic. They see the family disintegrating and work overtime to make it better - which usually makes it worse. In reality, intense conflict is often a sign of equally intense love. A psychologist friend says that some people actually provoke arguments from a subconscious need to make the impending separation more bearable. The best survival skills are an even temper, extra patience and a sense of humour.

Begin on a positive note
The opening days and weeks are important for setting the tone of a university career. Here are some tips for beginning on a positive note:

Do not linger. During the first week of university, parents have a status approximately equal to the lepers in Biblical times. I suggest that parents help the student settle in, make sure everything is OK and then leave. When students are insecure about their identity in a new place, the last thing they want is to be seen with Mum and Dad.

Write letters and send emails. Every parent wants to keep in touch, but phone calls can be embarrassing when the new student is sitting in a room full of friends. I recommend that students make the first phone call, but parents should feel free to send letters and email from day one. Even if they will not admit it, university students really do want to hear from parents. A food parcel after two or three weeks is an especially nice touch.

Have realistic expectations. The first year of university is an emotional roller coaster and far from the carefree time that many of us remember with selective hindsight. Students should be prepared for rocky times along with the excitement; parents should expect at least one or two teary phone calls. Only if the unhappiness persists over a period of months should anyone become concerned.

Of all the trials of parenting, letting go is often the hardest. After 18 years of pouring heart and soul into raising a child, the first chill of autumn is a signal that the time has come.