It's that time of year again and we all know what to expect: holly and ivy, mulled wine and mince pies, and 'festive' family get-togethers. But will it be his parents' place or yours?
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me, 'Ready to spend Christmas dinner with my family?' My festive mood instantly marred as I tried to block out images of his matriarchal mother and managed, through gritted teeth, a non-committal 'aha'. Don't get me wrong; I love my boyfriend - but Christmas with his family? Is there really such a thing as unconditional love?
I am relieved to learn that I am not alone in this dilemma. My girlfriends have reassured me that others in this world also dread the Christmas 'your place or mine' question. You are coasting along in your wonderful relationship, and then Christmas comes along. Before you know it you have become an unwilling participant in a tug of war over where Christmas is spent.
His or hers
Jackie, a PA from London, has been going out with Duncan for two years. 'I'm an only child and my parents, who also live in London, expect me to come home every Christmas without fail. My boyfriend, on the other hand, comes from a large tight-knit family in Scotland. Obviously we can't see both families on the same day, unless we spend most of Christmas Day on an airplane.'
Denise Knowles, a relationship counsellor from Relate, agrees that Christmas can be a very trying time for families. 'Tradition dictates that families should be together but unfortunately two families into one doesn't go. The only real way forward is through communication.'
It can be just as stressful giving both families a miss. Having your own pad should give a couple the excuse needed to spend Christmas Day alone together. But as Emma, a teacher from South London, found, 'Our families kept calling and calling us. By the time we had finished speaking to everyone?well, we might as well have gone round to visit.'
Torn between two women
Unfortunately, the need to return home can be motivated by a feeling of obligation. Psychologist Margaret Eaton says that it is quite common for sons and daughters to return home for Christmas out of guilt. 'This is especially true if the person is an only child, or has elderly parents. Sons can be especially close to their mothers. Matriarchal mothers will expect their favourite son to take his place at the Christmas table, and quite often the son will enjoy being at home for the pampering he enjoys!'
This is all very well, but what fate awaits his 'hapless' girlfriend? Counsellor Denise Knowles advises that 'where a son feels torn between two women, it's up to him to put new boundaries in place. It is time for compromise through negotiation. Without this, the couple won't be going very far.'
Yours faithfully?
Religious differences can create a chasm between loved ones. Eveline, 25, from Guildford, dreads spending Christmas with her boyfriend's family in Ireland. 'Tim and his family are devout Catholics, and I am hauled along to Midnight Mass. I'm a non-believer and find the whole religious celebration tedious.'
'Everyone has their own belief system and these should be respected by all,' says Counsellor Denise Knowles. 'If you can't put your differences to one side for this brief period of time then what does that say about the rest of your relationship?'
Christmas can also be a cultural catastrophe. Louise, from Liverpool bore the brunt of being from the North, when spending Christmas Day at her boyfriend's home in London. 'I was teased because of my accent and then all the Scouser jokes started. It was awful. Absolutely horrid. When I left, I cried all the way back in the car.'
So why does the 'season of goodwill' so easily become the 'season of stress'? Counsellor Denise Knowles believes it has something to do with our expectations of this season. 'We expect it to be all lovely with everyone looking forward to seeing relatives that perhaps they haven't spoken to all year (and maybe don't even like) and unless the festivities measure up, too often we have unrealistic expectations. We tend to remember the Christmases of our childhood when they were magical and didn't involve us in all the preparation, so we develop these unrealistic ideas.'
Six Christmas survival tips
1. Celebrate early
Try to visit each other's family a few days before Christmas. Take your Christmas presents and drop them off. If you make your family feel special, they are less likely to feel abandoned when you don't spend Christmas Day with them. Or, if you are brave enough, invite them to an early Christmas celebration at your place in mid-December.
If you're worried about the critical remarks you might receive from your potential mother-in-law, Denise Knowles suggests that you could invite her to contribute to the meal by preparing a course. 'Clearing away should also be shared. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but it does free up some time so that the whole family can enjoy some Christmas spirit together. Asking for your partner's support and backing in this is important, if it's not forthcoming then why isn't it?'
2. Shoot from the hip
Be honest with your partner. Compromise is one thing, but pretending that you are overjoyed at spending Christmas at his family's place and then having a breakdown is quite another. He deserves to know how you feel and may surprise you with a show of support. If you say nothing, your distress will be painfully obvious when you arrive at his family's place - and everyone will suffer.
3. Stand your ground
Stop apologising for not wanting to spend Christmas with your partner's family. If his family make you feel uncomfortable then tell him. He may sulk for three days, but if you decide to join his family at Christmas, at least he will be aware that the situation is sensitive.
4. Believe
Don't compromise deep-felt beliefs. If you are Christian and feel you need to go to Church over the Christmas period, then go. Make a deal. If he loves you he will get you to the church on time - if he doesn't on that occasion...then he may never get the chance!
5. Go away together
If alternating visits between families is not an option, then why not go away with your partner at Christmas time? There are often great deals if you fly on Christmas Eve, and you can roll Christmas and New Year into one trip.
6. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Remember you are your own person. If you have children together then you have more of an obligation to do the his/her family thing. Otherwise, don't let Christmas break you up. For one day a year is it really worth risking an otherwise happy relationship? Probably better to spend Christmas apart with your own respective families or friends. Plus meeting up for New Year will be that much more exciting. After all, don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder?
Further advice
If you need to speak to a relationship counsellor, then contact RELATE on www.relate.org.uk
More Christmas ideas: