The festive season can take its toll on your relationship. Susan Quilliam looks at the main problems couples face at Christmas

You may love each other deeply, but all the seasonal festivities can put the strongest relationship under pressure. Relate, the couples' counselling organisation, receive more calls over Christmas than at any other time of the year.

Work woes

What's the problem?
You both imagine the other has negotiated an acceptable amount of holiday time. Then everything flares up because one of you is going into the office more than the other expects.

Why is this happening?
You have different views about the relative importance of time spent with family, work and money. Perhaps one of you feels that it's vital to prioritise time at home, while the other wants to earn extra cash and enhance their career and family lifestyle.

What's the answer?
In the short term, put your quarrels aside. Accept that you've made different commitments and enjoy the time you have together, with no recriminations. In the long term, talk through where each of you is coming from, appreciate your differing life values and negotiate next year's commitments well ahead of time.

Time together, time apart

What's the problem?
You look forward to spending time together over Christmas, but once you are, things become fraught.

Why is this happening?
This type of irritation doesn't just happen because you're not used to being together all the time. It's also that human beings aren't intended to be in company 24/7 and can feel tense if they don't get some time out.

What's the answer?
You both need some 'down-time' alone. Don't feel guilty if you want to get away from each other. Plan individual activities such as reading, solitary walks and fishing. If your partner's behaviour really irritates you, then make a mental note to resolve those issues in the new year.

Family fortunes

What's the problem?
You both love your families, but they drive you crazy. Each of you finds your in-laws hard to handle and these power plays between relatives rumble throughout the holiday festivities.

Why is this happening?
Partnerships are a way of bringing whole families together - but all the different personalities within families are bound to cause friction. It's natural for each partner to side with their own family group - and sometimes even against their partner.

What's the solution?
Stand together against the world - even though it may be tempting to side with your family against your irritating other half. Discuss ahead of time with your partner what your individual needs are and then back each other up.

Work, work, work!

What's the problem?
Christmas involves a great deal of work - and guess who normally does that work? Yes, you! All the work can leave you feeling exhausted and resentful and feeling you've done everything while your man's done nothing.

Why is this happening?
In any situation, the person who feels most strongly that it needs to be done usually does all the work. The reason your man doesn't lend a hand is probably that it isn't as vital to him to have a perfectly-organised Christmas.

What's the solution?
Question what you're doing and your standards. It may be worth cutting corners if that leaves you more relaxed and less irritated. For next year, negotiate with your partner. What does he want to do? What do you not want to do? Might it work better to simply take off for Christmas and let a hotel do all the hard work?

Festive spirit
What's the problem?
Alcohol can create Christmas trouble between you. Perhaps one of you drinks more than the other, or too much booze leads to arguments.

Why does it happen?
Given the amount of booze that is floating round at Christmas, any vulnerability around alcohol is bound to come to the surface.

What's the solution?
The obvious answer is to cut down on alcohol, by buying less, not mixing your drinks, only drinking with meals or cutting out drinking altogether. If one or both of you are unwilling to cut down, think seriously about whether you have a booze problem. Ring the Drinkline on 0800 917 8282 (Mon-Sun 9am-11pm).

Bearing gifts

What's the problem?
You tear open the wrapping paper and instead of the wonderful gift you expected your partner to give you, you see the thing you wanted least in the world! You plunge into disappointment.

Why does it happen?
The first possibility is that your partner simply doesn't know what you want, or has completely miscalculated your needs. More worryingly, he may be signalling to you that he doesn't have the time or energy to make an effort in the gift department.

What's the solution?
If your relationship is going well, the answer here is simply to give your partner more information about what you want. Men in particular find it difficult to second guess - so this year accept your gift graciously, but next year give him a list from which he can choose. But if your relationship isn't smooth at present, then once the decorations are down, have a 'where are we at?' conversation. You may need to do some work to get your relationship back on track.

Anti-climax time

What's the problem?
You feel a sense of disappointment around Christmas, which you then take out as anger on your partner.

Why does it happen?
All the hype surrounding Christmas festivities makes us feel that if we're not ecstatic and having a great time, then there's something wrong with our relationship, our lives and us. Not so - after childhood, Christmas is often not the jolly time tradition promises.

What's the solution?
Be realistic. Tell your man you love him. Glow when he says he loves you. Put energy into having a good time, but don't expect the earth and plan something nice together for the New Year so you have something to look forward to after Christmas.

A word of warning?
This feature is aimed at couples whose relationships are basically on the right track - the suggestions I'm making won't work if you're in crisis, or there is abuse or violence in the family.

For couples counselling, log on to Relate