Keep your relationship revved up

Jo Douglas, author of Toddler Troubles, explains how as a parent, it's important to hold on to your own sense of identity and not to let your relationship with your partner suffer

John's story
John, who was feeling rejected and anxious, described how his wife always put the needs of their children first and made him feel bad if he asserted his own needs. If he wanted to take his wife out, she made excuses about not being able to get a babysitter - or if they did manage to, she spent the whole evening talking about the children. She never seemed to have time to talk about what happened at his work during the day, a marked contrast to before, when she had always been supportive and helped him make some important work decisions. He felt he was at the bottom of the pile and he wondered what had happened to their relationship.

Maria's story
Maria, who was feeling depressed and over-stressed, described her life as revolving totally around the children. She was the taxi-driver, the cook, the carer, the nurse and the teacher. She never went out with her partner because they had never managed to arrange a babysitter, so he regularly went to the pub on his own at the weekend. And because her partner often stayed late for meetings at work, she could never arrange to see her own female friends during the week.

Remembering the love
In both of these cases, the balance in the relationships had gone and Maria and John's identities were at risk of being lost. If you can identify with this, one of you has to start the swing back towards establishing the balance again. Your love and your relationship was the whole basis for the development of the family and it is vital to keep that alive and kicking. Remember what it was that made you fall in love and want to be with each other.

  • What was it that you think your partner liked about you before the children arrived?
  • What did you like about your partner before the children arrived?
  • Are those special things still here, or have they been lost during the submersion in parenthood?
  • In the past, what did you enjoy doing together?

The first step to getting your relationship back on track is to make time together for one evening a week when you are adults and not parents. Go to the cinema or the pub, meet friends or have a meal out; but don't discuss the children. It gives you something to look forward to, a chance to dress up, and it reasserts the importance of your relationship and your love for each other.

If your partner seems to have forgotten how to book a table or make a decision about which film to see, don't let your sense of injustice take over - just make the arrangements. He will feel pleased that you care enough to make a decision, and who knows - if it's a film he doesn't like, he might be motivated to make the decision next time, or at least discuss it with you. Don't feel guilty if you temporarily forget that you are parents - it's perfectly healthy!

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Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. fromToddler Troubles by Jo Douglas. Copyright © 2002 by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd. This book is also available at Wiley Europe, or by calling 44-1243 779-777.