My child is a worrier

The world is a strange place to a toddler, so it's not surprising that they have fears and worries. Jo Douglas, author of Toddler Troubles gives some ideas to help them overcome their anxieties

Katie's story
Katie, aged three, was described as very fearful by her mother. She hated loud noises and would make her mother go the long way round to the shops to avoid some road works on their road. She would cry in the house when the vacuum cleaner was switched on. She would startle and cry if she heard a dog bark and so was reluctant to go to the park. Even at playgroup she would sit with her hands over her ears, as she did not like the noise that the children were making. Her mother had tried to avoid situations that would upset her and had stopped the playgroup attendance, but was concerned that Katie was becoming cut off from her own age group.

A plan was made to help Katie gradually learn to cope with the noises. Her mother took her gradually closer to the road works on successive days until she was able to go past it with no problem. She used the vacuum cleaner in another room and gradually brought it closer to Katie in the house until she could be in the same room. At playgroup she was encouraged to stay initially for a short time and then the time was extended until she learned to cope with the whole morning. Katie became much more confident and able to play with her friends without being fearful and avoidant.

Learning to cope
When your child is showing anxiety and fear it is natural to want to protect them and take them away from the problem situation. But if you find that your child's ability to carry on a normal social life is being affected by their fears, then he needs help to learn how to cope better rather than avoid the problem.

Your job as a parent is to control the impact that the world has on your child. You modulate and control his experiences and help him learn how best to manage new or fearful situations. If a child is anxious, it will not help to force him to face up to his fears. This can often make the situation worse if the child cannot control his level of anxiety. Toughening him up by throwing him in the deep end can be very traumatic. It seems far better to gradually introduce him to the feared situation with your support and reassurance.

Phobias are often linked to a specific experience that your child has had. Being frightened by a barking dog, being stung by a wasp, hearing a story or watching a TV programme can all be the cause of a phobia developing. Something that seemed trivial to you may have seemed terrible to your child. In other cases your phobias may be transferred to your child. If you're terrified of spiders, then your reaction when you see one will alarm your toddler and he may learn to be frightened because you are.

Sam's story
Sam, aged three, was terrified of having his hair washed or getting into the bath. His mother suspected that he had become worried after a child minder had let him go under the water in the bath at the age of 18 months. He had panicked and since that time refused to bath.

We developed a plan of desensitising Sam's fear by encouraging him initially to stand in the bath with no water in it while his teeth were cleaned every morning and night. One inch of warm water was then added to the bath and he was encouraged to stand in it on a non-slip mat. Toys were put in the bath and he was encouraged to crouch down and play with them. The level of the water in the bath was gradually increased up to four inches and he was encouraged to splash and be washed without necessarily sitting down. After about one month he had learned to sit down in the water and his mother was able to wash his hair with the shower attachment to the tap.

Ways to help:

  • Accept and understand your child's fear. Do not make fun of him or ridicule him.
  • Reassure and calm your child and try a gentle and gradual approach to the feared object.
  • Don't force contact with the feared object or you may induce a panic.
  • Use immediate and simple rewards to increase your child's motivation to approach the feared object in stages.
  • Set the goals of change in small manageable steps. Don't rush it.

Michael's story
Sometimes avoidance or reluctance to co-operate is interpreted as fear and shyness, when in fact it is just a control issue.

Michael, aged four, refused to have his hair cut and said he was frightened of going to the hairdressers. He also refused to have his nails cut and was described by his mother as very shy in new situations. She thought these were phobic reactions and that he needed help with his anxiety. In fact it was more of a compliance problem. He generally liked to have his own way and did not enjoy situations where others had control over him.

His co-operation improved with a reward programme for doing what his mother wanted, and she realised that he had not really been frightened.

More Toddler Troubles...

Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. fromToddler Troubles by Jo Douglas. Copyright © 2002 by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd. This book is also available at Wiley Europe, or by calling 44-1243 779-777.