Living together, growing apart?

It's easy to keep the flames of passion burning bright when you are enjoying the first heady days of a relationship. But will they be enough to keep you warm when you take the plunge and move in together? Relationship expert Susan Quilliam looks at how to survive any hiccups?

Accept it now: for better or worse, living together will change your relationship. Fact. Cohabitation will bring a new bag of bearbugs to light - from money, to housework and making time for each other. Living together will throw up differences between you that never came to light when you were dating and can bring about deeper changes to your relationship. How you deal with them can make or break your relationship.

Danger zone:
'I love my boyfriend Tom and until six months ago, our relationship was going well. We decided to move in together, but six months on it's a disaster and I can't believe what a slob he's turned into. He treats the flat like a B&B, shows no consideration towards me and never, ever, helps with the housework. It's driving me mad. Help!'

Every month I receive piles of desperate emails that echo Gemma's cry for help - and her situation is by no means unusual.

Solution: Have a reality check
Whether you're planning to live together, or have already moved in, have a heart-to-heart about what you expect from each other:

  • Who is going to do the hovering or dusting is one of the top five friction areas between couples, according to Relate. The best way to tackle it is to discuss how you will divide the housework between you. This will probably lead to a bigger chat about the more abstract - but more important - issues such as how you expect your emotional roles to change now you've made a commitment.
  • Once you understand each other's expectations of living together, you'll appreciate where each other is coming from. Negotiate on the important issues such as housework, making time for each other, and money.
  • Read: What your mother couldn't tell you and your father didn't know by John Gray (Vermilion, £9.99)


Danger zone: 'We're too busy to talk!'
Time and space are two things many couples don't have enough of. Tina - one of my clients - has been living with her partner for five years, along with her two children from her first marriage. She feels as though she never sees her partner because after a busy day at work and putting the children to bed, they just collapse with exhaustion.

Never actually seeing each other although you live together is a common complaint from cohabiting couples. When you're dating you make time for each other, but when living together, other sides of your life take priority, which can mean you end up like passing ships in the night.

Feeling too busy to talk can put a relationship under a lot of pressure. You need to talk, not just about practical and domestic issues, but about each other, in order to keep your emotional bond strong.

Solution: Make time, keep talking

  • Develop your communication skills. Remember that listening to your partner is the way you show that their thoughts and feelings are important to you; it's a key way to build up credits in the love bank.
  • Carve out daily, uninterrupted time together, even if it means you have to stay up late.
  • If you are feeling exhausted by work, you may have to make a tough choice between work and your relationship. It may be worth cutting back on career commitment in order to make your relationship work.
  • Read my book Stop Arguing, Start Talking. (Vermilion, £6.99)

Danger zone: Money - the root of all evil?
'I had no idea that money makes him tick so much,' says Kate, 29, who moved in with her boyfriend Tim 15 months ago and then moved out again just before Christmas. 'He'd always been very careful with cash; but I saw it as a part of his reliable character. My previous partner was terrible with money so in contrast, I liked the way Tim watched his pennies.'

But things soon changed. After Kate moved in, Tim started making her account for everything. 'He commented about all my shopping and whinged if I so much as bought a pair of tights. The sex and romance in our relationship was great, but in the end, I couldn't cope with his obsessive attention to budgets and money.'

Money is another of Relate's top five relationship problems. It can become the arena to play out power games when couples' money patterns clash.

Solution: Define the real money matters

  • Think about what money means to you and your partner - is it about security, power or love? Try and work out what you feel for money and about your spending habits.By understanding what money symbolises in your relationship, you will see that your problems are not only about cash but emotional issues too.
  • Make a contract to budget. Agreeing up front what you do with your money and then sticking to that agreement will make everything much easier. If it helps, get an independent advisor, like your bank manager or financial advisor to help create a workable budget.
  • Gather your resources. Lack of money can create a strain in a relationship, so it's important to keep the cash factor in perspective. Regularly audit what other things you have working for you - your skills, your personality strengths, your friends and family, to take the emphasis off money and on to the whole range of great things you have in your lives.
  • Read: Corinne Sweet, Stop Fighting About Money (Hodder and Stoughton £6.99).