For ten years Antoinette Hardy has concealed her relationship from her parents... Here, she talks to others about keeping the biggest secret of all

When I tell friends that I've been in a 10-year relationship, without the knowledge of my parents, they tend to shiver with excitement and ask me how on earth I get away with it, revelling in the details of my daily deception.

There's no denying that keeping your love life a secret can be exciting for a while. Like a woman embarking on an extra-marital affair, I was originally swept along by a tide of guilt and pleasure.

But, the knowledge that my boyfriend was sleeping upstairs while my parents came to pick me up to take me (unwillingly) to Mass, was never a thrill. Keeping my secret has always been a question of self-preservation.

My parents' Catholic faith doesn't allow for boyfriends or teenage rebellion. They are unable, and unwilling, to commune with the modern world. Girls who have boyfriends are godless drug addicts, pop music is satanic and Hell bubbles away just beneath the pavement.

Naomi Levy, who kept her relationship with a non-Jew from her family for six years, soon discovered that the frissons of her secret relationship gave way to exhaustion.

'Had I been adolescent, the secrecy factor might have added to the excitement,' she says. But as a mature woman with budding wrinkles, the level of effort involved in keeping the secret has been draining, and the secret potentially damaging to our relationship.'

Dr Charlie Lewis, Professor of Family and Developmental Psychology at Lancaster University, regards the notion of keeping one's partner a secret from one's parents as 'a logical extension of teenager-parent tension'.

'As teenagers, we feel powerless, so keeping secrets is a way of wresting some power from our parents.'

But, within relationships which extend beyond teenage years, far from giving you control, such all-encompassing secrets render you powerless.

Naomi Levy finally broke the taboo and told her parents about her boyfriend. 'I think it's unhealthy to lead such a schizophrenic life. I wanted to show my parents who I am, as a person. And stop being an eternal daughter.'

Naomi's feeling of 'paralysis' is replaced with new-found energy and confidence now that her secret is out. But, her father is resolutely silent on the subject of her partner and Naomi recognizes that, 'telling them is just the starting point. It's not a solution.'

Several years on, and I have yet to reveal my secret to my parents. If they come and visit, the wardrobe has to be emptied of shirts and ties. Books about cricket have to be hidden at the back of the cupboard, holidays are taken with a random selection of 'friends' and things that involved 'we' turn into 'I'.

According to Relate counsellor, Denise Knowles, the act of keeping a relationship secret for a long period of time can prove damaging both to the individual and the couple involved.

'Keeping your life compartmentalised like this can put an enormous strain on both your worlds, especially when the stresses of one spill over into the other. Eventually the stress of keeping your lives separate will permeate your relationship and damage it.'

The danger is that the partner involved eventually feels that you are embarrassed to be with them, or that they are in some way 'not good enough' for you - a feeling which grows the longer the deception continues. Naomi Levy found that Ed, 'interpreted my silence as a feeling of shame at being associated with him. Which couldn't have been further from the truth.' Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes keeping a relationship secret leads to split loyalities: your parents or your partner.

I'm lucky that my boyfriend, Patrick, now has a laid-back attitude to all this. There's been no such split in my loyalties. After trying to persuade me to tell my parents for quite some time, he gave up. He's definitely appreciated the tranquillity that comes with never meeting the 'in-laws', but he's also helped me through dark days of frustration. He's realised that I won't tell them until I am ready and it's a situation overwhich he has no influence at all.

Knowles warns that the decision to reveal the existence of a secret partner needs to be examined very carefully, 'You need to ask yourself why you are doing this now and think carefully about the circumstances in which you tell them. If they're elderly or ill, you might send them over the edge.'

Rahul's Hindu parents have only recently learned that he has a non-Hindu girlfriend, despite their seven-year relationship. 'Part of me wishes that Nicola happened to be Asian, but life doesn't work like that.'

His mother's desire to keep Hindu culture strong has been dented by Rahul's rejection of any attempt to match him up with an Indian wife. 'I'm still from an Asian background, irrespective of who I go out with', he asserts, pointing out that the high number of divorces resulting from arranged marriages in his parents' circle has given him the strength to stand up to his parents and force them to acknowledge their son's choice of partner.

'I fudged the issue by telling them that we'd known each other since college, without actually telling them we'd been together until then. I guess, that way I cleared my own conscience whilst causing them the minimum of distress,' says Rahul.

But, as Knowles warns, the decision to protect your parents from the truth is fraught with ambiguity. 'The assumption that kids make when they decide to protect their parents is often an arrogant one. You're as likely to be protecting yourself as you are your parents.'

During my conversations with people who are in long-term secret relationships, one phrase has been repeated over and over again when discussing the subject of revealing the secret: 'use your own judgement'.

No matter how much friends encourage you to 'get on with your life', tempt you with the idea that your parents will understand and that all will be rosy in the end, a secret of such magnitude is more powerful than the people who guard it - and the people from whom it is kept.