Understanding the bully

girl_lean What could be worse than being called in to your child's school and told that he or she is a bully? You may feel like punishing them, but kids who bully often have underlying insecurities

The many charities and helplines set up to tackle bullying offer a lot of advice and support to the victims, but there are fewer resources available for parents of children who bully. It's vital for parents to recognise their child's behaviour and learn to understand what could be motivating him or her to pick on their peers.

'Many children don't know themselves why they bully,' says Peter Sharp, a chartered psychologist who focuses on special educational needs and emotional literacy. 'Not only do they not fully understand - some don't have a clue they are bullies,' he explains.

What is bullying?
The child, or group of children, that bullies is wielding power over their target. Bullying behaviour includes the following:

  • verbal abuse
  • humiliating, taunting and belittling another child
  • alienating, isolating and excluding another child
  • blackmail and threatening behaviour
  • making another child do things he or she doesn't want to do
  • physical attacks
  • damaging another child's belongings
  • stealing or demanding money from the target child
  • spreading malicious rumours
  • attacking when the other child is most vulnerable.

    Why do children bully?
    We all need self-esteem, and children are no different. Children who are feeling bad about themselves or going through a difficult time may try to become more confident through exercising power over others. 'Research shows that many children who bully have themselves been bullied ? either by children or adults,' Peter Sharp comments.

    Other reasons why kids bully include being jealous of the target child or feeling insecure because they are in some way different from their peers. In this last case, a bully might decide to pose as a tough-guy, as a defence mechanism against other children's potential teasing.

    Some kids are simply carrying on behaviour they have learnt at home: if rows between siblings or parents are frequently 'resolved' with verbal abuse or even flying fists, a child will learn that indulging in this bullyish behaviour is the way to come out on top. Many children who bully do not understand how wrong their actions are, or how desperate it makes their victims feel.

    Ways you can help your child
    Instead of dishing out punishment after punishment, it's far more helpful to try to understand what is motivating your child to bully others. Ask yourself whether any of the following may be having an adverse influence of his or her behaviour:

  • the arrival of a new baby or other major life change
  • integration into a new step-family
  • constant criticism or punishment at home
  • being bullied by a third party
  • feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem.

    Talk to your child about his or her reasons for bullying - it may be helpful to involve a third party, such as a trusted adult friend or relative. 'Get your child to imagine how he would feel if he lost his favourite toy,' suggests Peter Sharp, 'and talk about how it feels to be rejected by a friend or excluded from a group. Then discuss how those feelings may be similar to how the child being bullied feels, and work out together how to make amends.'

    Try these techniques to help your child change:

  • talk about the reasons for the bullying and explain how it makes the victim feel
  • discourage similar behaviour amongst family members
  • discuss the problem with your child?s teacher
  • show your child how to join in with other children without bullying
  • role play, in which the bully takes the role of victim to see how it feels to be on the receiving end
  • uncover feelings of low self-esteem and try to address them
  • give plenty of praise and encouragement when your child shows kindness to others

    If you find it difficult to get through to your child, you may need help from an outside counsellor or therapist (ask your GP for a referral).

    Every school is obliged to have an anti-bullying policy, so the head teacher and class teachers should all be able to offer appropriate help.

    How bullies can help others
    Sometimes children who have been bullies are the best people to help reform other bullies. Through counselling, it's possible to turn the situation round and help bullies see the devastating effect they can have on their victims and victims' families. Placing them in the supervised position of coach and mentor can build their self-esteem in a way that bullying other children never could, and it can also give them a chance to make amends for their previous behaviour.

    Recommended reading
    Nurturing Emotional Literacy: A Practical Guide by Peter Sharp (David Fulton Publishers, £17 from amazon.co.uk)

    Your Child Bullying by Jenny Alexander (Vega Books, £5.99 from amazon.co.uk)

    The Bullying Problem: How to deal with difficult children by A T Train (Souvenir Press, £9.99 from amazon.co.uk).