When should you consider ending a relationship? Susan Quilliam looks at six key questions that will help you reach that important relationship decision - whether to commit, or whether to call it a day

You've been together for a while now and the relationship could become more serious. But actually, you're confused. You're not having a crisis, but sometimes you get the feeling you could do better. But is this a good reason to leave?

Question 1: Is he genuinely available?
The first diagnosis to make is whether your man is genuinely available for a serious relationship. Because if he isn't, then the decision is made for you - up sticks and move on.

Of course such a lack of commitment is easy to spot if he's already with a partner. If he's been with you for more than six months then he will never leave his wife or girlfriend for you. Equally, even if he's not partnered he may still be unconsciously involved elsewhere - if he's not over his ex by now, then think very carefully about whether he ever will be.

Unavailability isn't only about having another partner. If you're not a priority for your man - if the job, the lads, the gym, or the chat room consistently take precedence over you - then actually, he's not yours.

Question 2: Are your motives clean?
Be really honest. Do you want this man for who he is and what he brings you? Do you accept him, warts and all, and will you be able to accept him in the future?

If the answer is 'maybe', look more closely at your motives for commitment. You may be hanging in there because your parents adore him... your best friend is getting married... you're scared of being on your own... it would be too much hassle to split up... your biological clock is ticking.

But none of the above are reasons to commit to someone who's wrong for you. Think again.

Question 3: Can he sustain a relationship?
However much passion and emotion there is between you and your man, that's a very different issue from whether he can sustain a stable and loving relationship. So look at the evidence you've gathered over the time you've been together.

Is he honest? You need someone who doesn't lie, weasel, or fudge the issues. Is he reliable, doing what he says he will do when he said he would do it? Is he emotionally open, or does it take a sledgehammer to get him to admit his feelings? Is he kind and considerate to you, to his friends, to his family? Is he solidly self-confident - or does he need alcohol, drugs or constant approval to bolster his confidence?

You're not looking for a saint but these issues are the basics, the 'must-haves' if you want a relationship to work. If you hesitate over any of these questions, that doesn't mean you should automatically be packing your bags. But it should raise serious questions in your mind about whether you deserve better.

Question 4: Does he want what you have to offer?
The man you commit to has to be someone who wants you for yourself. So does he? Does he enjoy himself when he's with you, does he genuinely like your company, and does he respect you?

You may want to ask for your friends' and family's opinions here - they may see things more clearly than you do. How do they think he treats you? Sometimes it can be misleading to rely on other people's viewpoints, but those close to you can often give a realistic and useful opinion on whether the man you adore adores you in return.

Question 5: Are you heading in the same direction?
Everyone's individual - and partners often need to bridge the gap between them over a variety of issues. But some distances are impossible to bridge, and you shouldn't even try. However much you love each other, if you have serious differences in the following areas, think again.

You need to have similar values and both place the same importance on your underlying beliefs; otherwise in the long run you will find it very difficult to respect each other.

You need to have similar general life goals. So if one of you has a burning life ambition, you will hit problems unless you both support it. For example if one of you wants children, there will be trouble ahead unless you both do.

You need to have complementary preferences - though they don't necessarily need to fit completely. So if you seriously couldn't cope unless you lived in a city, and he is a country boy who feels wrong when walking on pavement - or if you're a romantic in bed and he's a 'rough sex' man - then you will have to work hard in order to be happy together.

Question 6: Can you turn things around?
If you have doubts about your relationship, don't panic. Almost any relationship difficulty (with the exception of misaligned sexual preferences) can be solved if you have enough motivation and willingness to put in the work. So do you?

Look back and re-examine any relationship problems you've identified. Then be brutally honest with yourself about the chances of solving those problems. Do you feel that, with work, you could turn things around - align your life goals, love him for his own sake, talk through your differences? Or do you feel that the elements that are making you hesitate over commitment are ones that are going to bug you forever?

If you're hopeful, don't just rely on that hope. Sit your partner down and express your concerns to him. If he responds positively, then there's a real chance you can pull through.

Remember that doubts aren't inevitably the sign of a relationship on the rocks. They are often the sign of a relationship that is based in reality, a realistic appraisal of who you both are, how you relate to each other - and what you need to do to make your commitment solid, firm and lasting.

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