You feel ready for marriage, so should you wait for him to pop the question, or take matters in your own hands?

Proposing to your loved one can be the most wonderful fun; planning the surprise, making the arrangements - and then finally popping the question. However, before you drop a ring in his champagne, make sure you stand a fighting chance of him saying 'yes'.

Should you/should't you?

Before you hit planning mode, stop and think about why you're suggesting marriage. Regardless of who pops the question, the commitment is the same, so you must make absolutely sure you are both ready.

Three reasons not to propose

• You see proposal as a way to make yourself (or him) feel more secure. However, engagement and marriage are only a good idea when you're building on a strong relationship, not trying to shore up a weak one.
• You've been waiting for a particular event before committing: perhaps his divorce comes through on February 12th or he starts his new job on February 13th. Whatever the reason, don't rush into proposing so you hit Valentine's Day; he'll need time to settle, so wait a while.
• Get a basic agreement before proposing. If it's not clear he's ready for marriage, he isn't - and if you've been dropping hints and he's not responded, there's a reason.

Three reasons to propose

• The relationship's great; you sense equal commitment on both sides and you have all the skills to make a further commitment really work.
• You yourself have the energy to create a brilliant event to mark your engagement. You'd love to do it, and love to see your beloved's face when you pop the question.
• You've both discussed marriage and established a basic agreement that you're up for it. Actually, the proposal is a formality - you both know that whoever makes it, the answer will be yes.

Make it great

• A great proposal should be memorable. You want to feel good whenever you remember it - and be able to tell the story to your children and grandchildren.
• A great proposal needs to be based on knowledge of your partner and what they would truly like. As you're making all the decisions here, make them with him in mind - however tempted you are to fulfil your own romantic fantasies!
• A great proposal is enjoyable. Men in particular can get emotionally overwhelmed - so avoid situations where he might feel vulnerable. Proposing during half time on the pitch at Highbury is probably not a good idea!

The right time and place

• Choose a time when you'll both be relaxed. If Valentine's Day falls within the working week, you might want to suggest you both take the day off.
• Choose a place where both of you don't feel under pressure. In bed after great sex may sound wonderful, but may be just too intimate - he may feel he has to say yes.
• He'll need lots of time and space to respond to the proposal. So choose somewhere you can be alone - rather than the Bull and Bush just before they ring last orders.

The right situation

• If he's the sporting type, go for a fun day's activities - walking, bowling, dry-slope skiing - then pop the question when he's happily full of adrenaline.
• If he loves the unusual, hang a poster from a bridge he passes on his way to work, or walk on the beach and let him 'find' a bottle with your message in it.
• If he's a private person, make it a private occasion; book the restaurant where you had your first date, or curl up on the sofa with a bottle of champagne.

Ring or no ring?

• You don't need to buy a ring - you can let the proposal speak for itself then go together to buy the ring (or rings) so you both get to choose.
• If you do buy a ring for him, be aware of his taste in jewellery. To get the size correct, play a game of comparing fingers and estimate how big his are in comparison with yours. If you're wrong, the jeweller can alter the size later.

What to do

• Choose your moment to spring the surprise - when the two of you are feeling close, but when he's not expecting it.
• Avoid big gestures. The more people and props involved, the greater the danger it will all go wrong.
• You can go down on one knee, as tradition suggests men do - but it's not demanded. Sitting or standing opposite while holding his hands may be best.

What to say

• The simpler the words, the easier it is for you to say and him to hear. 'I love you - will you marry me?', or 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you - let's get married?'.
• If you're really nervous, provide something: a beautifully written note for him to open, or a video that he can watch while you hug him.
• The important thing is the emotion, not that you follow some sort of script. A proposal that's said with love and received with love will always work.

What if it goes wrong?

• If you drop the ring down a grating or stumble over your words just laugh it off and carry on.
• If your man reacts badly - don't panic. He may want to say yes but simply feels put on the spot. Give him a big hug and calm things down. When the dust has settled, talk through what he really feels.
• The big risk of proposing - a risk that men have taken for centuries - is that your proposal will be refused. If the question 'will you marry me? gets the answer 'no', you need a serious 'where are we at?' conversation.

What if it goes right?

• If your man's response is a huge 'yes', celebrate with hugs and kisses. Create a joyful, passionate memory of the moment you committed yourselves to each other.
• Expect to have to adjust to what being engaged means. It is a new stage in your relationship, with different rewards but also different challenges and responsibilities.
• You may want to read Elizabeth Marten's excellent book: Before You Say I Do written with Relate and published by Vermilion (£7.99).