Forget chintz-filled B&Bs or tatty traditional lodges; enjoy a little how's-yer-father in style. We've singled out several sensual boltholes, each with their own appeal and perks, and all ideal for a naughty break for two
Best place to don your Morticia wig
Malmaison Belfast
34-38 Victoria Street
Belfast BT1 3GH
Tel: 028 9022 0200
www.malmaison.com
The Belfast outpost of the Malmaison boutique hotel chain has a sexy gothic style; think moody colours and crushed velvet. Check into one of their 'rock and roll suites' (bands have, in fact, bunked there) named Samson and Goliath, with massive beds, free-standing tubs and plasma screen TVs. For an evening buzz, you need go no further than the hotel's bar for cocktails and an up-and-coming Belfast scene. Doubles from £99 weekends, £140 in the week
Best place to take the ol' ball and chain
Courthouse Hotel
19-21 Great Marlborough Street
London W1F 7HL
Tel: 020 7297 5555
www.kempinski.com/en/index.htm
While the Courthouse Hotel Kempinski has a great location (just off Oxford Circus), it's the building's unique past, as the former Great Marlborough Street Magistrate's Court, that makes it captivating. The court played host to such VIP 'guests' as Keith Richards (fined £205 in 1973 for possession of drugs and guns), Mick Jagger (defending a marijuana possession charge) and Oscar Wilde (the beginning of the Queensbury case was heard here). These days, you can lock yourself away in one of The Bar's remaining prison cells (available for private bookings, with capacity of up to 8 people - kinky!). Cuddle down in the sumptuous seats of the hotel cinema. Or book a table on the judge's bench, the dock or the witness stand at Silk, the fine dining restaurant housed in the old Number One court. Make a reservation and declare your love in the eyes of the law. Doubles from £175
Best place to never get dressed
Aghadoe Heights Hotel
Lakes of Killarney, Co. Kerry
Ireland
Tel: 353 64/31766
www.aghadoeheights.com
The nearby lakes and mountains of Killarney create a stunning view from Aghadoe Heights Hotel. Take a walk if you like, but you'll find the great outdoors less strenuous if you wrap up in a fluffy robe and enjoy it from your private balcony, or the new 10,000-square-foot Aveda spa. Side-by-side therapies in the couples treatment room allow for alone time, or try the signature precious stone therapy, designed to energise and rejuvenate. If you want a gold-plated getaway, book the recently completed penthouse, with private elevator access to the spa, terrace, fireplace, and jacuzzi with a view. Doubles from €210
Best place to take your sketchbook
Claremont House Hotel
13 Second Avenue
Hove, Brighton & Hove BN3 2LL
Tel: 01273 735161
www.claremonthousehotel.co.uk
Guests may find themselves sleeping with the latest hot artist at the Claremont House: The boutique hotel mounts quarterly exhibitions of works from Brighton and Hove artists in the guestrooms as well as in public spaces. Its stylish, rich colours, personal service and touches like cafétieres in the rooms recently earned the 11-bedroomed hotel a Five Diamond grading from VisitBritain for quality accommodations and service. Take a walk on the seafront to bustling Brighton Pier 25 minutes away to enjoy the rides and amusements. But you better leave one part of your artiste persona behind: the hotel is strictly non-smoking. Doubles from £100
Best place to have something on ice
The Clubhouse
74 Promenade des Sonnailles
74400 Chamonix Mont Blanc, France
Tel: +33 (0)4 50 90 96 56 or +33 (0)8 CLUBHOUSE
www.clubhouse.fr/en/home
Skiers dying for a decent cocktail are no longer left out in the cold, now that our friends at the London club and bar Milk & Honey - with its classically prepared cocktails and refined sense of style - have opened a Chamonix outpost. The Clubhouse has an art deco bar, a restaurant and a range of accommodations that make your ski retreat that much more civilised. The communal-style Bunkhouse has bunker beds (top or bottom?) starting €55 per person sharing, while the top-floor Myla Suite rents at €195 for members and has a minibar stocked with sex toys. All rooms come with Frette linen, teak-decked rainforest showers, flat-screen TVs and DVD players. You don't have to be a member to stay here, but you'll leave wanting to join the club. Doubles from €195