While you can spot from a hundred yards that your man's in a mood, he seems oblivious to your moments of misery. When it comes to picking up, and taking on board, the negative emotions of others, is women's intuition always such a good thing?
Cambridge psychologist Professor Simon Baron-Cohen has come up with some convincing evidence that certain brains (usually female) are very sensitive to picking up on the feelings of others, interpreting them and responding to them. Other brains (usually male) are less skilled at the touchy feely stuff, but compensate by being more technical; having more advanced numeracy skills, or a greater sense of spatial awareness, for example.
Baron-Cohen explains that we all have the capability of having both emotional and technical awareness, as most of us are, but adds that an extreme of the techie side results in autism; a condition where individuals may be great at all things mathematical, technical and spatial, but can't relate to others emotionally. Autistics simply don't see, or can't interpret, any social signals, so find themselves isolated in many areas of life.
But what happens when the scales are tipped toward being overly sensitive to the emotions of the people around you?
Luckily, according to Baron-Cohen, this largely female trait is not associated with mental illness. Feeling with others makes us compassionate, kind and sensitive - it won't lead to the sort of incapacity that isolates people with autism, but it could lead to a form of emotional mirroring, as the over-empathiser takes the burdens of others on to their own shoulders.
As the iVillage Couples Counsellor, I get email after email through my column from women who are overwhelmed with emotion - often because they are too empathic. Their partners are unhappy and these women feel every bit of that pain. Their children get bored and these women suffer with them. Their colleagues are irritated and these over-empathetic women pick up on that irritation, leading to a destructive spiral of self-blame.
Hyper-empathising can lead to real problems for its sufferers because individuals are rarely taught how to handle their ability to acutely read other people's feelings. We notice negative emotion, interpret it, feel with it - and get overcome by it, then we rush round trying to make the other person feel better because until they do, we will continue to feel bad too.
Baron-Cohen pinpoints a link with brain hormones - but that doesn't mean that you are stuck with the mindset you've got because you also learn to empathise as a result of life experiences: as you grow up, as you form relationships, as you take on the challenges of being a mum. I believe that for most of us, it is entirely possible to learn to manage empathy, so that we are more comfortable in our lives and in our relationships.
Do you feel too much? Find out if you do and what you can do about it
- Become aware of when you become overwhelmed with other people's emotions - and take a step back. If necessary, spend some quiet time alone.
- Make a real distinction between noticing that someone is unhappy, and having to do anything about that. Just because you empathise with their unhappiness, it doesn't mean you must solve it.
- If, like many empathisers, you are a carer - professionally or looking after a family member - make sure you are not drained by your tendency to respond to others' needs. Get your own needs met too.
- Develop the other side of your personality - the more technical side - to balance out your empathic tendencies. Learning to think logically, and to make decisions on practical rather than emotional grounds, will help you to balance out your feelings.
- Don't just empathise with the bad stuff. Use your talent to spot when people are feeling good - and ride that wave with them too!
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