You're lying in bed with your new man, perhaps you're thinking that he's 'the one', but just when everything seems to be going so smoothly, he casually pops that question: 'So, how many men have you slept with then?' You inwardly groan. You don't want to lie because you like him, but you are equally concerned with telling him the truth! To tell or not to tell, that is the question?

Why is it hard to fess up to a man?
It's not just that men want to be special, they also want to know you regard them as the best lover you've ever had - so the longer the list of previous lovers, the more threatened they often feel. Competition is genetically inbuilt into men (think football) so your previous partners automatically start sounding like rivals, leading to feelings of insecurity.

Also, with some men, there's a set of hidden judgements going on. Like it or not, certain corners of society still see a female who has had more than 'a few' lovers as slightly suspect - despite the fact that 'a few' is often considered pretty unusual by modern-day standards.

So if faced with a longer list, a man can very easily slip into thinking that his partner is comparing him to her previous lovers, or that her previous lovers haven't meant all that much to her. It's a small leap from there to thinking that he doesn't mean all that much to her - and an even smaller leap from there to anger and blame.

Are women that different?
We women may wobble when we hear about our predecessors, we feel the same jealousy, the same wariness because we don't want them to compare. And women, far more than men, have nightmare fantasies about their man pining for his ex, or being seduced back by her.

But we don't, as a rule, see our men as 'cheap' or 'easy' because they've had more than one or two partners. In fact, we're often more worried if they haven't had any previous lovers, because then they seem, frankly, sad!

But men can feel critical - and that means that we have to decide whether to come clean or not. It's a question I'm often asked as a couples counsellor - and I have over the years developed a few general rules which seem to work well.

How to handle 'that' dreaded question

• Distinguish between his insecurities over your sexual history and any moral objections he may have to it. You can reassure him about the first - but if your moral values are seriously different, this may be trickier to navigate.
• Don't postpone the conversation once it starts - distracting him may seem to work but he will clock that you're not eager to answer the question - and that will plant concerns in his mind.
• Do tell the truth where possible. Fudging the issue may seem a good idea when you don't want to make waves on Day One, but it doesn't make for a lot of trust when, a few months or years down the line the truth comes out.
• Don't kid yourself about your own ability to keep a secret. If you decide to lie about the number of partners you've had, only do so if you know that you can stick to your story for life, even under the influence or in the middle of a blazing row.
• Don't hold back from reassuring - tell him clearly that you are with him because he is your partner of choice and that past partners are firmly in the past.
• Do walk away if you have to. If he objects to your sexual history, then he may not be the man for you. Trust does build over the course of a relationship, but if he has his doubts right at the start, you may want to find someone who loves you for who you are.
• Don't ever, ever, ever compare him with past lovers - sexually or emotionally - unless that comparison's in his favour.
• Do, if it's true, tell him he is The Best Lover you ever had - and keep telling him that forever!
• Do state your sexual history with pride! It has made you the wonderful woman that your man has fallen for. If you seem guilty, ashamed or embarrassed, your man will pick up these emotions - if you feel bad, he'll start to think that there's something for him to feel bad about.