To be loathed by your fellow sisters you have to possess a complex formula of irritating character traits that make it impossible for women to root for you. Men will look on bemused, hoodwinked by a pair of fake breasts or a demure smile, but we can see through it all.

All these women have one thing in common, plenty of success - after all, there is absolutely no fun to be had in savaging a dead sheep (Whitney Houston is successful and obnoxious but predominantly sad).

These infuriating women owe a proportion of their fame to their ability to provoke. The bitch or the cow is staple fodder for today's celebrity culture. They put meat on the bones of gossip columns and celebrity rags.

There are plenty of fabulous female stars whom women are either indifferent to or actually like. Gorgeous babes like Uma Thurman, Michelle Pfeiffer, Charlize Theron, and Cate Blanchett, who possess qualities like humility, discretion, intelligence, and class. We will even give props to 'It' girls with no talent if they have a sense of humour and don't pretend to be something they are not.

So sit back, latte in hand, and enjoy a good bitch fest.

Nicole Kidman:The Let-Down
In a nutshell: When she first came on to the scene she was a smart tough Aussie with the features of a naughty pixie - not classically beautiful but cute and sexy. When she went out with Tom you would have laid money on her knocking some sense into the guy and salvaging him from the clutches of the Scientologists.

You might expect this daughter of a woman's rights activist to walk away from the Cruise split with a little more chutzpah. On the contrary, she seems never to have gotten over him. She has cast herself as a tragic frail heroine with a masochistic tendency that propels her to date all the wrong guys and court the limelight while declaring her need for privacy. Who can forget her interview with Parkinson conducted in a breathy girly voice. Coy and flirtatious, she could have given Princess Diana a run for her money in the wounded bird stakes.

And then there is her uncanny appearance; gone is the little snub nose and determined frown, replaced by the pinched, wax-like features of a mannequin.

Things we hate about her

1. We are fed up with her talking about being an artist. As her friend Russell Crowe pointed out, artists don't become spokespersons for Omega watches and Chanel.
2. She should stop talking about being a single, working mum. Yes technically she is, but with one fat bank balance. It's ridiculous to pretend she shares the problems of most single working mums.
3. What was she on when she did the Chanel No. 5 advert? She is not Marilyn or Maria Callas, and should stop casting herself as the vulnerable ingénue. 'This job can really take its toll,' she whines. 'It's a bit like Cinderella returning from the ball. Even the Oscars - after all the parties, I found myself wondering whom I could talk to.'
4. She might try saying No sometimes. Like 'No Lenny! No Mr Bing! You're jerks, and I wouldn't dream of dating you', or 'No, I am NOT going to work on every emotionally wrought screenplay I am sent.'

She says: 'I really think Botox is not good for actresses. You need to frown, you need to express yourself. If I'd done The Others and had my whole forehead Botoxed, you would have lost half the performance!' At least the last bit is true.

Catherine Zeta Jones: The Bigmouth
In a nutshell: Catherine has only had one dream since the age of four and that's to be an entertainer. It shows - we have watched her grab for fame at every opportunity (remember the attempted pop career?) and could be happy for her if she didn't look like a beautiful cat gorging itself on cream.

Catherine likes to think she is classy but like any working class girl who's made it big, she can't stop talking about how much she's got. Her interviews are full of anecdotes about the things she has in abundance - like houses and diamonds and wonderful frocks. So we did not have much sympathy when having done nothing but talk about her impending nuptials, she and her husband took Hello! magazine to court, having been 'devastated, shocked and appalled' that photos of her wedding had appeared in the British tabloid Hello! She said she felt 'violated' and accused the magazine of invading her privacy. Ironically, she and Douglas had sold exclusive rights to their wedding photos to Hello! rival OK! magazine. The million pound payday, she told the judge, 'might be a lot of money to a lot of people in this room, but it is not that much for us.' We know Catherine, we know.

Things we hate about her

1. Her constant gloating. 'People call me Mrs Douglas at the gate to our apartment,' She says. 'It kind of makes my eyes sparkle.' Ours would sparkle too thinking about the cash and the connections, but they would water at the thought of having to sleep with a man who resembles an ageing lizard.
2. She does not possess an ounce of humility. She talks of luck but more often she speaks of her hard slog since the age of 14. Catherine's pretty sure she deserves it all and she likes to tell us about it: As in: 'I have a lot of designer clothes. I have a lot of Versace, a lot of a lot of things.'
3. She hates the press and takes them to court at every opportunity and constantly talks about how Fleet Street drove her to the US. But she happily takes their cash when she has something to crow about.
4. She likes to paint the picture of a perfect romance between her and Michael but does she really expect us to believe that his fame, power and money played no part in her attraction to him. If they divorce she will get $2.8 million dollars for every year of marriage. Awwwh, how romantic.

She says: "I drive a Range Rover with a cell phone, and if you need to reach me you can page me, beep me, fax me or email me. And even if you do all of the above, I still might not return your call."

Gwyneth Paltrow: The Snob
In a nutshell: How fitting that the necklace Gwyneth wore on the night she accepted her Oscar was called 'The Princess'. It is this superior attitude we find so hard to stomach in Gwynnie. It has been easy for her to be so nonchalant about her career - she never really had to rough it to get where she most definitely wanted to go. She was born into a well-connected Hollywood family. Steven Spielberg, her godfather, cast her in her first movie and with the help of boyfriend Brad Pitt her career took flight. Her 'too cool for school' pose was blown bit by bit as she appeared on cover after magazine cover, and dated a string of leading men all the while moaning about the attentions of the press. Then came the Oscar acceptance speech, tearful and rambling, it blew her cover, showing us that she really did care an awful lot about herself and her career. Now when she tries to strike the same disdainful pose we don't buy it.

Things we hate about her

1. She complains constantly about the intrusive press but if Vogue or Vanity Fair come knocking, she is more than happy to bathe in their adulation. If a fashion editor's lips are puckered up and ready to kiss her derriere she will strip and gush with the best of them.
2. You sense she has the feeling that she is just a little better than everyone else. Why else would she demand a five-mile exclusion around her villa on the island of Mallorca.
3. She likes to think of herself as a serious artist who never thinks of the baser things in life. 'I would much rather work less and do better things - even if they are riskier and get paid less - and not compromise my integrity. If I have to travel economy then I will, but I don't want to sell out.' Yet she happily makes adverts for Martini Rossi, even though she is famously teetotal, prompting even ad execs to call her a hypocrite.
4. Although she dislikes intrusions into her own private life she made Sylvia, despite Ms Plath's sister eloquently pleading for the film not to be made. She says: 'I might not work for ages (when Apple is little). My mother turned down every fantastic movie there was. She turned down these amazing things that would have made her a huge movie star.' Truth is, sensing that her career had cooled, Gwyneth took the pressure off herself by saying she felt it was more important to be a full-time Mum. She soon realised that motherhood was a lot harder than poncing around on a film set and has promptly returned to pursuing her movie star career.

Liz Hurley The Phoney
In a nutshell: Liz could learn a thing or two from Jordan. Like honesty and candour, unlike Jordan, Liz isn't a straight shooter. Imply that her career is down to her knack for wearing revealing frocks, getting her kit off for the boys or that lucky friendship with fellow mock toff Hugh Grant, and she will sneer. Liz couldn't get out of dreary Basingstoke, her hometown, fast enough. She read Evelyn Waugh and realised there must be some terrible mistake - how could she have been born into the middle classes when she was so clearly aristocratic. So Elizabeth Hurley reinvented herself with an accent plumier than Prince Charles, she peppered it with words like gosh and golly. She took up needlework, flirted with Catholicism and slowly but steadily climbed the greasy poll ending up frightfully rich, if a little soiled.

Things we hate about her

1. She should stop working so hard to cultivate her upper-class image. She needs to relax. She has made it and everyone knows it's a pose. Only Prince Charles still refers to himself, as 'One'. As in 'One ought to stop acting.'
2. Despite her best efforts, not everyone knows who she is, so it would be wise to take a more subtle approach when trying to get her boyfriend upgraded to first class on a BA flight. Screaming, 'Do you know who I am? I bloody demand that he's upgraded. Don't you know he's a millionaire?' is considered bad form.
3. She talks about the paparazzi as though they were unwelcome guests at a fabulous party she threw all by herself. In reality they were the event planners that made it all happen. She's financially milked the relationship for every last penny. The paparazzi are now a vulgar reminder of where she came from and she'd like to dispense with their services.
4. 'I just find it utterly pathetic to have an operation simply to try to make oneself look younger.' Notice the careful use of the word operation. She obviously doesn't consider lip enlargement as an operation. Only Liz would suggest that having One's lips filled with a synthetic filler to make them look fuller is more dignified.

She says: 'I'd kill myself if I was as fat as Marilyn Monroe.' Please, someone pass her a doughnut.

Jennifer Lopez: The Egotist
In a nutshell: Over-exposure is not something that bothers this broad. Sometimes it is hard to believe that she is just one person. Her image is everywhere, her name on everything. When are we going to get a break? She believes she is endlessly fascinating but we think we've seen most of what she has to offer. She is proficient at everything but not gifted in anything. Like Posh she talks about herself as a brand. It's a useful euphemism, it's supposed to conjure up images of a smart, in-control businesswoman and mask the demanding and greedy exhibitionist that is JLo.

Things we hate about her

1. What did she do to poor Ben? Admittedly the guy is an idiot but that doesn't make it right. She all but castrated him in public.
2. 'Jenny From The Block' ughhh. The arrogance displayed in the video and the song is unparalleled. There was a sharp intake of breath as we gawped at our TV screens in disbelief. Yes that really was Jen in a bikini and mink, dripping with diamonds, wailing 'I'm real.'
3. She needs to stop whingeing about the paparazzi ruining her relationships. She has only herself to blame for making a spectacle of every romance she has had. These days when asked about tiny husband Marc Anthony she replies: 'I'm trying to keep that part of my life very personal and sacred.' Only her idea of personal and sacred is singing a duet with Marc at the Grammies and talking about her wedding on prime time American TV.
4. She takes offence at being called a Diva. It's not fair, she screams. She's just a simple girl who lives a simple life. Reality check: When she appeared on Top of the Pops she demanded ten dressing rooms to accommodate a 100-strong entourage.

Naomi Campbell: The Psycho
In a nutshell: Naomi Campbell's nasty personality is legendary. There are very few people who have any nice things to say about her. She possesses the beauty of a goddess but her personality is riddled with crude emotions she impetuously acts upon time and again. As a supermodel she could almost be forgiven her vanity, huge ego and hypocrisy. But with Naomi there is the added element of uncontrollable anger, accompanied even by physical violence. That t-shirt she wore with the legend 'Naomi Hit Me and I Loved It' suggests she finds it humorous. We have a better idea for a slogan: 'I belted Naomi and I Loved It.' Now that IS funny.

Things we hate about her

1. Someone stop her from blaming her cocaine addiction for her obnoxious behaviour. 'You become short-tempered. You know, your little charm goes,' she says. 'The little glow in your face goes. It's a very nasty drug.' When were you ever charming, Girlfriend? We must have missed it.
2. Remember her album? It was called Babywoman - appropriate for a woman who kicks and screams when she doesn't get her way.
3. We are aware that most celebrities view the public with a little disdain but Naomi is the only one we know of who actually hits them. She has been accused of hitting four of her staff and ordered to seek anger management classes after pleading guilty to attacking one with a telephone.
4. Is she fur real? When it suited her image she took part in the famous I'd Rather Go Naked anti-fur campaign. Then she started coming over all Ghetto Fabulous, and before you could say Bling! she was smothering herself in dead animals. She says: 'My contacts have told me where Saddam Hussein is hiding. He is in Saudi Arabia.' Shut it!

Victoria Beckham: The Wannabe
In a nutshell: Talent isn't a prerequisite for fame and fortune these days and you have no greater example of this than Posh. Mrs. Beckham is one lucky lady no more, no less. Her good fortune lies entirely on being in the right place at the right time. Yet she insists her success is down to hard work and professionalism - Oh, and don't forget, she really likes music. Her inability to accept her inadequacies as an entertainer, her lucky windfall of cash from the Spice Girls record sales, and marrying David have combined to create a celebrity monster who will not go away. We watch as she indulges in her fantasies of fame apparently unaware that her addiction to it is as plain and ugly as the nose on her face.

Things we hate about her

1. She talks of protecting her sons from the glare of publicity then promptly makes Elton John and Liz Hurley their godparents.
2. Watching Posh endlessly search for a career so she can justify her desire for fame is plain tiresome. We have lived through the solo singing artiste, the charity ambassador, and now inevitably the fashion designer. Yawn.
3. Despite denials to the contrary she is a flamboyant spender, recently dropping £120,000 on a play castle for her sons. Admit it Girl: you drop cash faster than Alex Ferguson can throw a soccer boot.
4. Victoria doesn't do anything unless some A-lister has done it first - yoga, hip-hop, skiing, babies at the Portland, contrived names for her children. The woman doesn't possess an original bone in her body.

She says: 'If you look at all the great performers like Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson and even Britney Spears, they don't always sing live on stage. I am no different to them.' The only thing Posh has in common with the Jacksons is bad taste and a fondness for plastic surgery.

Madonna : The Fanatic
In a nutshell: Madonna had us fooled. We thought she was the ultimate woman in control, carving out a unique path as a female entertainer, making bold choices and never falling into the same clichéd traps that beset so many other superstars. But oh how the mighty have fallen! We thought she was smart and cynical but now she serves as a warning to the potential brain-rotting powers of Kabbalah. To see her outwitted by an ex-life insurance salesman who calls himself The Rav and makes a mint selling wacko water and magic string to confused, naïve people is - well, it's crushing. We are dealing with the undeniable fact that while Madge is calculating and instinctive she's probably not very bright. In the space where her brain should be is a bottomless pit of insecurities that no amount of fame or money can fill. We hate her for making us feel like Michael Jackson fans.

Things we hate about her

1. Esther (her Kaballah name) needs to stop writing trite songs about the state of the world and actually do something practical and meaningful. Madge, take a page out of Sandy Bullock's book: if you want to help, just hand over the cash.
2. Stop playing the intellectual. If you want to impress us then enter into a real debate with real intellects who can question you freely on the ethics and leadership of Kabbalah. We won't hold our breath.
3. Why the English accent? It shows how contrived she is - the consummate wannabe morphing in and out of different personas driven by her desire to be anything other than an Italian-American girl from Ohio.
4. Kabbalah has given Madge searing insights, she wants to share them with us. Apparently material things are not going to bring us happiness 'the only thing that is going to bring you happiness is love and how you treat your fellow man.' No kidding, most of us actually had that one figured out a long time ago. Stop trying to educate us.
5. She needs to cut out the sneering condescension; we can all see that the wheels are coming off. We do not envy her Guy, the sad husband, once ridiculed for being a mockney but now written off as a failure, who seems to be losing the plot (he also lives by the Kabbalah).

She says: 'I don't want people to dress like me anymore. Now I want them to think like me. Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine.' Can everyone say cuckoo. Another icon ruined.

©FEATSPRESS 2005