Problems with your love life can have a devastating effect on a relationship, and it takes courage to ask for help. iVillage talked to three women who have experienced sexual problems with a partner, and subsequently visited a sex therapist. Here they share their experiences

Julia: 'When your partner has an erection problem, and the doctor suggests a sex therapist, you have no idea what to expect'

Jane: 'My doctor recommended a sex therapist. All I could think about was whether they'd think I was mad because I didn't feel like sex.'

Louise: 'I couldn't even tell my closest friend that I was going to see a sex therapist'

Julia's story
When I first met Andrew we got on really well, and had a lot in common. Both of us had been married, we'd both had other relationships and both felt quite sexually experienced.

At first the sex was fantastic - fuelled by the lust and excitement you feel when you meet someone new - but as we began to see each other more regularly, things started to change.

At times we'd start to have sex and his erection would fade away just after penetration, and sometimes he never became hard in the first place. The more it happened, the less we wanted sex. I felt frustrated, and I could tell that he was embarrassed and worried.

Despite our problems, we were both committed to the relationship and really wanted it to work. We discussed it and decided to see our doctor who performed some blood tests on Andrew which fortunately came back all clear. The doctor then asked us if we'd like to be referred to a sex therapist, who he thought might be able to help.

Despite having no idea what to expect from sex therapy, our relationship was strong in every way except sexually, so we knew we had nothing to lose. We were sent a questionnaire which helped us to focus on what the problem was. I had to explain how I felt about Andrew's erection problems and I realised that I had been blaming myself for not feeling 'sexy' enough. The questionnaire helped us to talk about this and made us instantly feel a lot closer.

At the first appointment both of us sat anxiously in the waiting room, thinking that everyone knew we were there because we weren't having sex. When we met the therapist, she soon put us at ease. She assured us of complete confidentiality before listening to our explanations of what had been going wrong.

It was an enormous relief to talk to someone about our problems, and assess how we had both reacted to the erection problems. As we talked, it emerged that both of us had been rejected in the past by previous partners, and our sexual problem had been bringing back some of those negative memories.

The therapist recommended a few counselling sessions as well as some tablets for the erection problems. We tried out some of her suggestions for rekindling our love life on a couple of dirty weekends away, and I am happy to say that Andrew's erections are fine now!

Life's too short to live without a cuddle, and when men can't have the sex they like, they often back off from intimacy altogether. We felt we both deserved the best, and now, thanks to a brief stint in therapy, we're sure we're getting it!

Therapists report:

When Jane and her husband attended for therapy, they admitted that they had rarely spoken in depth face to face about their sexual difficulties.

I asked them to move their chairs so that they were sitting face to face. They spoke separately for a short period of time and talked about how they perceived the problem and how the sexual difficulty has affected them. Each of them summarised what their partner had said and confirmed with one another that they had both felt completely heard.

Their initial homework was to write down the words that each of them felt comfortable using when talking about sexual issues. The following session we spoke about language and the importance of being clear and honest with one another.

They had already timetabled sex on a Saturday morning, so I introduced longer foreplay and helped them to address their privacy concerns.

Jane's story
When I met my husband David we couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was fun at first, but gradually it began to annoy me that he wanted sex all the time. I often felt irritated that we couldn't just go to sleep and cuddle, especially when I was tired, but if I suggested this, he'd turn over in a huff and we wouldn't talk for days.

I found these days unbearable and felt angry and resentful. Sometimes I'd give in and have sex to avoid the arguments. But in the end, this just made me more resentful. Eventually we started going to bed at different times, almost living more like brother and sister than husband and wife.

One day I found an article about women who didn?t want sex and it suggested talking to a GP or contacting a counsellor. I felt too embarrassed to talk to my family doctor so I looked on the internet. I found a qualified counsellor who specialised in relationship and sexual problems and suggested to David that we should make an appointment.

He wasn't too keen on the idea of discussing our private life with a stranger and asked me why we couldn't just start having sex more regularly. Not surprisingly the conversation soon deteriorated into another argument.

In the end I said I would go alone. On the day of the appointment, I was so anxious; I didn't know what to wear and all my thoughts were muddled. I imagined that a sex therapist would be having sex all the time, and would think I was just being difficult for refusing my husband.

In fact, as soon as I met her I felt completely comfortable. She smiled as she showed me into the room and introduced herself. After reassuring me that my session would remain confidential, she asked me to tell her the whole story. I felt listened to for the first time. It was so good to explain what it was like not wanting sex, she made no judgements at all and I felt I could just be me.

She thought it would be a good idea if my husband came in to talk to her on his own. Then we could both decide whether to come back for some couple therapy. I spoke to my husband and I couldn't believe it when he agreed; I think even he realised we couldn't fix our marriage ourselves.

We've now had four sessions together. It's been quite difficult and emotional at times, but we are so much happier as a couple. I feel sure that we can find a way of handling our differing needs for sex, and can finally both enjoy a good cuddle now!

Therapists report:

This couple were seen individually and then as a couple and we agreed that each of their individual sessions would remain confidential. I initially used a questionnaire to focus on the problem, and highlight unresolved conflicts. They were both pleased to discover that they were both motivated to find a way forward.

They talked about their lack of sexual activity and what they had done to try and resolve the problem. I advised them to ask the other to do something special for them in the coming week. The task needed to be small and achievable, so Mary agreed to give her husband a hug when he left for work, and her husband agreed to make Mary a cup of tea every morning.

In later sessions they negotiated a new contract of intimacy that they both felt comfortable with. Foreplay was increased and time together as a couple became a priority.

They agreed and respected each others attitudes about sex, but recognised that they truly loved one another and wanted to work towards a happier relationship which included sex and intimacy.

Louise's story
At 23, I had only had sex once and I can't describe how embarrassed I was about this. All my friends were under the impression that I was incredibly sexual, assuming that I was having loads of amazing sex with a variety of partners. This made it even more difficult to talk about my problem with them.

I had been to bed with a number of men, but always made excuses to avoid having intercourse - saying my period was due or that I just needed to wait before we went that far. We'd do other intimate things, but never go all the way, because I was terrified that it would hurt.

Unsurprisingly, the relationships never lasted very long, mainly because I always felt as if I wasn't good enough. I was convinced men only wanted vaginal penetration and I felt like a freak.

I'd always avoided internal examinations at the doctor's but when I was called in for a smear; I knew I'd have to have one. My doctor realised that the examination was very painful for me and asked me about it. She was so down-to-earth and nice that I finally felt I could talk about it.

She assured me I wasn't abnormal and that the problem could be solved. She suggested that I see a sex therapist, explaining that they weren't just for couples, but for anyone who wanted help for their sexual problems. I'd recently met someone new and didn't want this relationship to go the way of all the others, so I made an appointment.

In the end, it was so worthwhile. The therapist listened to me and was incredibly kind and understanding. She explained that experiencing pain during intercourse - and the fear of feeling pain - was actually quite common, I'd thought I was the only one!

We started on a treatment programme and discussed how I hadn't been emotionally ready for sex that first time. I'd tensed up and it wasn't surprising that it had hurt and led to my fear.

Now I feel so much more confident and relaxed about this new man. There really is no need to hide away and avoid relationships because you think your problem is weird or abnormal. Sex therapists have heard it all before!

Therapists report:

Louise and I spoke about her desire to have sex with her new partner and her anxiety about experiencing pain. She revealed that she had not used tampons or placed her finger inside her vagina.

I suggested that she had a bath and then examined and drew a picture of her genitals, in the comfort of her own home. I asked her to mark on the drawing where she experienced pain. She then used a lubricant and placed her finger just at the entrance of the vagina, explaining that it was like touching a solid wall of muscle that she was unable to penetrate further.

I explained that the muscles of the vagina can go into spasm; and that through a programme of relaxation exercises the treatment programme was very successful.

Vaginal dilators were purchased and, over a period of months, Louise used the relaxation exercise with the dilators and achieved her aim of being able to enjoy intercourse without pain.