| A journey through breast cancer
by Jackie Thompson iVillager Jackie Thompson discovered her breast cancer by accident. Here she describes the diagnosis and how she and her family have coped I found the lump in my breast quite by accident at the end of November 2003. I was dressing in the gym when my arm brushed over a lump in my left breast. I was referred to my local breast clinic on what is called 'the two week rule': this is to fast track anyone presenting with suspicious symptoms, in order to get a speedy diagnosis.
The waiting game
I can tell you the waiting was very hard. I alternated two scenarios in my head - in one, I was in the doctor's room, being told everything was fine, the lump was benign and I could leave it in there or choose to have it removed, the other scenario was much more sinister, and was the one that was most accurate. I knew as soon as the doctor and two nurses entered the room what the result would be. The diagnosis
The Christmas before treatment
I think the three weeks between diagnosis and the start of treatment were the worst. I was in limbo - knowing I was ill and not fighting it at that point. Imagination is a powerful thing, and I imagined the cancer running riot through my body. I can tell you I lost plenty of weight in that period. The first chemotherapy
The anti-sickness medication is great, and I did not feel bad at all throughout the chemotherapy. I got a little tired towards the end but managed to keep working and going to the gym - I had to work as I couldn't afford, as a single person, to have my salary reduced at all. The chemotherapy caused all my hair to fall out, and I mean all. I was shiny bald. Before having chemo I had shoulder-length straight hair. Now my hair is short and choppy and initially was very curly. And the chemotherapy hadn't shrunk the lump as much as was needed to avoid a mastectomy. I had been hoping for a lumpectomy. I had the operation in May and then had radiotherapy which ended mid-August. Histology showed that the cancer had progressed to my pectoral muscle and that I had a second tumour. My tumour was aggressive and grew rapidly. If I had not spotted the lump when I did, things could have been very different for me. I did not ever do self-examinations. If I had, I would have discovered the lump in time to avoid a mastectomy. Of course a mastectomy is not the worst thing - much worse is the real possibility that the cancer may have spread to other areas - especially as it was so large. What's happened with my family
I went on small holidays several times during the treatment to escape from thinking about cancer all the time, but every holiday I went on before the end of treatment was poignant - I truly believed that this would be the last time I would see these places. Moving on
So now I am two years (almost) down the line and today I feel different from how I did at the point of diagnosis. My goalposts have moved. I am now waiting for a reconstruction operation (due 1 November), and this has become important to me - a far cry from when I felt they could take both breasts! I want to feel I can confidently start a new relationship, and this holds me back. On a daily basis I have to admit that I do think about breast cancer, but I don't dwell on it much anymore. When I do dwell on it, I feel angry that my arrogant certainty that I would have a long life has been taken from me. I was keeping money in an investment for my retirement as I don't have much of a pension, and I was considering investing more each month into my pension plan to boost it?. Not anymore. I need that money now to enjoy my life as it is. It feels like I can just glimpse a huge black cloud on the periphery of my vision, or a feeling that something bad is going to happen, not even something tangible? It just hovers slightly out of reach. It's where I want it - I can't forget I have had breast cancer, nor do I want it in my face every day, but my life as it is now is structured differently than it would have been had I not had cancer. In the past I was able to deal with whatever life threw at me, and I had some very traumatic times. I haven't dwelt on them and never let them intrude in my life once they have passed, but with a breast cancer diagnosis it's not easy to do that. No-one can tell me it's truly gone, that it won't come back. So now I've started counselling to help me deal with the fact that there is now something bad in my life that I cannot put aside and forget. Keeping my spirits up
So, yes life goes on, it's there to be lived and enjoyed. I don't think about the future so much anymore, and only plan for a maximum of six months ahead. It's how I deal with the uncertainty... As of October 2005 Jackie is waiting for a reconstruction operation |