Pyschologist Dr Pam Spurr helps us deal with the teenage issues that affect life in the home: chores, freedom, sibling relationships and family communication
Overall you set the tone for a generally happy or unhappy atmosphere, and levels of stress at home. That said, during adolescence children can be unreasonable and obstinate, sometimes for no apparent reason. Hormonal changes have long been held responsible for a great deal of this moodiness, which they are. But in addition, recent research shows that adolescents' brains go through a big period of adjustment. During this time teens find it harder to empathise with others and to understand your emotions. They literally can't 'read' if your face is frustrated and angry, or simply concerned. This makes communication even more difficult.
Sleep research also shows teens need a greater amount of sleep which many parents take as laziness. However this need for extra sleep will be compounded if you haven't set boundaries on how late they stay up!
Here are some general principles to apply to the way you run your household:
- Ask your teenager about their opinion and views in general conversations. By encouraging them to think through issues generally, and express their beliefs, they will be better equipped to do this at home, as issues arise.
- Explore with them what they think are the positive things about their home life and what they'd like to change. They may come up with some interesting suggestions!
- Raise your expectations! If you're expecting problems from them you'll probably get problems. It's easy when you've had some difficulties with your teenager to expect these to continue. By expecting the best you may just raise the bar for their behaviour.
- Don't fear your teen. Worry and anxiety are acceptable, but if you've got into a situation where you fear your teen's reactions or behaviour, than seek help from a professional.
Chores and responsibilities
As children grow into the teenage years they should take on more and more responsibility. However if you haven't been getting them into the 'helpful habit', you'll find it very hard to suddenly get your teenager to take on household chores.
Sit down together and make out a list of basic chores. Talk through who best can do what and at what time. Once you've formed a basic schedule, write it out clearly and post on your fridge door.
I'm a firm believer that pocket-money should be based on having completed delegated chores. Your teen will not learn about the real world, and you won't be doing them any favours, if you let them get away with doing nothing and then pay them for it!
If you notice chores left undone, calmly but firmly state that they must be done by 'X' time. If they're not done by that time, subtract money from their weekly sum. You can agree in advance how much will be taken off. For example, if their pocket money is £10 a week, after discussion with them you might agree that each chore undone is £2 off that sum. They soon learn it can make a difference not doing chores! Negotiating such things in advance is far better than arguing over pocket money at the end of a week when various chores have been left undone. And as you've made them part of this process then they're taking on responsibility for their own behaviour.
Freedom and privacy
Just as you value your freedom and privacy so too does your teen. Always knock before entering their room - you should really start this from age nine or ten.
Don't listen in to their phone conversations.
Although you should know who their friends are and make a welcoming atmosphere in your home, you should not quiz them about every move they make. For basic safety you always know roughly where they are and what time they'll be home. And they should give you a courtesy call if they're running late.
On a practical level, keep a note pad by the phone or in the kitchen where you write each other notes about your movements. There's a big difference between such basic safety measures and intrusion into their right to privacy.
However, all this changes if you suspect they are unhappy, being bullied, drinking, taking drugs, or having sex too early. If you have such worries, sit them down and talk them through. Hysterics won't help, where a confident tone of voice will.
If you find your child has been doing something like truanting, or taking drugs, then their privileges should be curtailed, and their freedoms more limited, and you may consider getting advice from a professional.
When it comes to having friends visit, as a group they may want to socialise in your child's bedroom. However when it comes to boyfriends/girlfriends, do encourage an open bedroom-door policy, or for them to stay in the family areas.
Sibling relationships
The most important rule for generating positive and harmonious sibling relationships is to be fair. Children have different temperaments and this is particularly true during adolescence.
- When complimenting one of your children ensure you do the same to the other
- When trying to sort out sibling rows get an egg timer and give each child two minutes to explain themselves without interruption
- Don't allow them to swear or use put-downs against their sibling, instead encourage them to describe the situation and what's caused the disagreement as if they're writing it in an essay for a teacher. When you generate respectfulness even during a disagreement you'll get much further in resolving differences
- Take what each child claims to be that 'truth' with a pinch of salt. If they see they can't pull the wool over your eyes, they're less likely to try!
- Never compare your children to each other. If one child is better at doing their school work it's tempting to ask your other child, 'Why can't you be like your brother/sister?' Such remarks are the quickest way to generate friction between them
Family communication
Positive family communication is based on a mutually respectful atmosphere where you actually listen to what each other has to say. It's easy to feel that with your years of experience you know what's best. This may be true! But the quickest way to stop the flow of family conversation is to always be right without listening to what your team has to say.
An atmosphere of blame will also prevent good communication. If every time something goes wrong a culprit has to be found, this can actually generate a very negative atmosphere. People do have to take responsibility for their actions, but pointing the finger of blame at every tiny little incident can take things too far.
Divorce and break-ups
Divorce and break-ups are traumatic for everyone. On the whole, research shows that younger children fare better than the pre-teens and adolescents. For one thing, young children don't understand as much and their timeframes are different to older children. For example, if they haven't seen daddy for a few days they may not even notice!
Pre-teens and teens also become very anxious that, if they've been causing stresses and strains, this may have contributed to the marriage breakdown. They even fear they might be the root cause of the divorce. It's imperative that any child is told clearly, and more than once, that a divorce is not their fault.
- Keep the lines of communication open and tell your teen that they can ask you whatever they want, whenever they want. Don't shy away from their questions. If you answer with tact and confidence you generate a more confident feeling in them
- Give age appropriate information. What you tell a 13-year-old may be different to what you tell a 17-year-old
- Do not run down your ex-partner to your children
- Let their school know that they're 'going through' a divorce or break-up. Research shows that schoolwork, particularly in teenage boys, suffers during a divorce. So you want their teachers to keep an eye out for their academic performance as well as their emotional well-being
Step families
- The most important rule when you find someone new is don't introduce them too quickly! Initial relationships after divorce have been shown by research to break down at a rate of 90 per cent. It's usually the second or third relationship after divorce that tends to be longer term. It's important that your home does not become a 'revolving door' of new partners coming in and out of your life and your teen's life
- When you do introduce someone keep it casual. Don't make it a formal dinner, instead invite them round for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine
- Don't overdo the fact that you're 'so in love'. This can be very daunting to a teenager
- If you're getting serious, then you can share this information with your teen. Ask their feelings about you developing a serious relationship. Listen to what they have to say and any concerns they have. Step-families have a divorce rate twice as high as first marriages so don't rush anything
- Don't act as if you're putting your new partner above them. Reassure them that they come first. Your new partner should back you up on this
- If you remarry, or decide to have your new partner move in, set some ground rules about issues such as discipline. Burying your head in the sand and hoping for the best is the worst thing you can do!
- Everyone should feel they're being heard and valued in the new family dynamic
Useful information
For your teen - Get Connected (0808-808-4994) will assist them in finding support for any issue they want help with.
A useful general contact is www.parentlineplus.co.uk or 0808-800-2222
Family Matters Helpline - 01474-537-392
Family Mediation Service - 020-8343-9899
Dr Pam Spurr is the Saturday evening presenter on LBC 97.3 - ring her on 0870-90-90-973, 7-10 pm. And the author of SEX, GUYS & CHOCOLATE - Your Essential Guide to Lust, Love and Life (Robson £7.99). A life coaching guide for all women ages 16-56.
More from Dr Pam Spurr:
Broadening your teen's horizons
What are your teens getting up to?