Don't let daily stress affect your health. Dr Pam Spurr can help you find balance in your life

Stress is endemic in today's society, with an estimated minimum of 13 million days work lost to people feeling too stressed to face work or having symptoms they didn't realise were stress-related but that keep them home feeling 'ill'.

Despite this we're now living longer than ever, but are we living better? Unfortunately, the answer for many women is 'No' as they allow stress to spin out of control. Mental outlook is vitally important in managing life's demands. It's never to late to establish 'healthy habits' that help you de-stress your life, take control and find optimal balance.

Golden rules when stressed

1. Take a deep breath and remind yourself the world will NOT fall apart despite what's happening. Something that feels like the end of the world isn't. By breathing slowly and pausing, you allow your rational mind to take over the irrational emotions that have swept you away.
2. Now take a step back and try to see another angle of whatever's causing stress for you. There's always another way of viewing a stressful issue or moment. Force yourself to see the 'stressor' from 360 degrees.
3. In a stressful moment ring someone you love, or that makes you happy, and talk it through with them. We don't use the resource of 'love and laughter' that's at the end of a phone enough.

Specific stress strategies
Travel and commuting
Bad hair and bad body days
Work
Financial
Relationship
Parenting

Travel and commuting
Road and travel rage are all too common. A few simple steps can help you prevent this stress.

1. Before leaving the house take a moment to reflect on the 'good and happy' day you expect to have.
2. Leave your home with a smile and good posture that'll generate a positive vibe for your journey.
3. Plan your journey. It sounds simple but many don't bother! You'll save time and effort doing so.
4. Whether it's a regular journey or a one-off trip, allow yourself 10 extra minutes travel time. Nothing whips up stress quicker than running late.
5. Make sure you have some of your favourite feel-good music with you.
6. If something happens to make you late (the wrong type of leaves on the rail line!) talk yourself out of getting stressed. Affirm to yourself, 'This is beyond my control so I'll let it go.' Keep reminding yourself of this as you're tempted to panic. Use the time wisely to go over notes for the day, ring a friend, etc.

Bad hair and bad body days
Body image research found that 64 per cent of women were plagued by unhappy thoughts about their weight and shape. Over half felt guilty even eating, and 41 per cent were in a constant battle between dieting and exercising, bingeing and giving up trying. Such attitudes and behaviour create enormous daily stress.

1. 'Reframe' negative self-beliefs. Turn, 'I'm fat and I hate myself,' into, 'Today I'll do one healthy thing like not put butter on my toast'. Once you've begun to reframe your thoughts to do more positive and beneficial things for yourself, the next step is to reframe them in a completely positive way. For example, you're now aware of making small steps to be healthier and happier so when a negative thought pops into your head change it too, 'Don't I look fab today!'
2. Identify the stress 'triggers' that send you running for the biscuits. Instead of giving in to such triggers do something positive. Not only will this decrease stress but grow your confidence in all areas of your life.
3. Re-label your 'brand' - instead of believing yourself to be, for example, 'Frumpy Debbie' become 'Friendly Debbie' or 'Assertive Debbie'. We all have a 'brand' and the more positive yours is, the happier you'll feel and more able to combat stress in this area.
4. Select your best attribute (for example, your legs or eyes) and emphasise it through fashion or make-up choices.
5. When stressful thoughts of, 'I'll never get slim' flood your mind, replace them with a soothing self-affirmation: 'I'm a lovely person and I'm starting to cherish myself.'
6. Develop a food-friendly approach to eating. Buy healthier options for your fridge and cupboards. Eat only when hungry and not for stress-relief. Resist bingeing/comfort eating by doing a positive alternative - like ringing a friend, taking a brisk walk, or doing a hobby.
7. Eat mood-boosting foods to combat stress like oily fish, turkey, fresh fruits and veg.

Work stress
With so many days lost to stress-related problems, many of us are unhappy at work.

1. Identify which part of your job you like most. Try to build in more of that to your responsibilities.
2. Identify the things that make you unhappy. Brainstorm ideas for making those things work for you.
3. Have regular planned meetings with your manager to assess your work, including your level of happiness and fulfilment. If you find your manager unresponsive or unhelpful explore how you two can work this out. Perhaps your manager has an 'easier' day each week where they're not overloaded with meetings, etc. Meet on that day, when you're most likely to have a positive interaction.
4. If you have difficulties with your manager, speak confidentially to HR to seek solutions.
5. Find in-house or evening class skills-training to help you move forwards in your career. Boredom and lack of fulfilment fuel work stress.

Financial stress

1. Make complete lists of your income (any wage, earnings, benefits) and also a total list of outgoings (rent, travel, food, clothing, utilities, etc.). From this you should plan your budget and where, if necessary, you need to cut back your spending. If you can't pay a bill contact the company - do NOT ignore letters demanding payment.
2. If things have spun out of control see your bank manager or a non-profit debt counsellor (in yellow pages) for advice. Do NOT sign up for a debt scheme that takes over your payments, often at huge interest rates.
3. As with food and feelings, many women use spending to soothe away stress. However, the stress comes back magnified when they start building up debt. If you're tempted to go shopping to give yourself a 'lift', then find a substitute and free activity to get a boost. Sport, hobbies, meeting up with friends, etc.
4. Don't hide debt worries from friends and family. They should know you can't afford to go out or are struggling with debt. Putting on a 'front' will make the stress worse.

For more information and advice, contact the Consumer Credit Counselling Service - 0800-138-1111.

Relationship stress
Unresolved stress in your relationship can upset it, leaving you both unhappy, or even lead to break-ups. One study found couples cited general 'stress' in 40 per cent of break-ups.

1. Don't let small things build up into bigger issues. In a caring way, raise issues as they arise.
2. Choose a moment when you're NOT stressed to raise things. Ensure you have adequate time to discuss what's on your mind.
3. Before raising the stressful issue, let your partner know how well another area of your relationship is going. Starting with a positive will uplift the whole discussion.
4. Monitor your voice. Is it starting to rise with stress? If so, take a breath and consciously lower it to a calming tone that will help generate a better feeling.
5. Ask your partner their thoughts on the matter and if they have any issues they want to raise.
6. Recognise the 'battles' that count. Think through what really matters to you. If you can let it go - then do so. If you can't and it's causing you stress then sort it out.

For more information and advice, contact Relate Couples Couselling - 0845-130-4016.

Parenting stress
Stress affects parents in two main ways. First, the general grind of raising children in our society is incredibly stressful with multiple demands on parents. Second, between parents themselves when they can't agree on how to 'parent'.

1. Talk about your general parenting styles. Keep this discussion light. Perhaps one of you is a strict disciplinarian and the other is more laid-back.
2. Once your styles are explored, discuss how one style might best suit certain issues with your children and the other might benefit other issues. Reinforce that one style (unless very extreme) isn't necessarily better and together you'll use the best of both.
3. Don't turn one parent into the 'baddie' who does all the disciplining. You should both be able to set boundaries and carry through with discipline if necessary.
4. It's easy to lose sight of the wonder of watching your children grow. Time passes quickly and they move from babyhood to toddlerhood, and then adolescence, in the blink of an eye. Forget some of the daily 'stuff' like tidying and sit down and enjoy them. Marvel at the things they say and do.
5. When feeling stressed and your child's fussing, think about what really needs to be done. You need to sit down, take those all-important deep breaths, give your child a hug and reassure you both that all will be OK.
6. Trust your instincts about what your child needs. If, for example, you think they need some naptime but it's not 'time' for their nap according to your routine then be a little flexible. Parents get terribly stressed as a slave to routine when sometimes flexibility is called for.
7. Finally, children are important and they should be part of your daily interactions with your partner but don't forget your selves and your needs in this process.

For more information and advice, contact Parentline plus - 0808-800-2222.

Solutions Coach and psychologist Dr Pam Spurr is the author of Sex, Guys & Chocolate - Your Essential Guide To Lust, Love & Life (Robson Books)