Extract taken from Lost in Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad, by Charlie Croker, published by Michael O'Mara Books Limited

Ever struggled to find the right word in your own language, let alone make yourself understood in another?

Charlie Croker is an experienced traveller who delights in the verbal mishaps that he's encountered. Here, he shares some of his favourite misadventures in English from hotel rooms around the world.

You're in a far-flung corner of the globe, it's the early hours of the morning, and you've just checked into your hotel after an exhausting flight. Very little seems right with the world. But then you notice a sign in the corner of the bathroom: 'Please to bathe inside the tub.' Despite your tiredness, you can't help but smile. Yes, you're Lost in Translation.

The beauty of getting lost in translation is that you never know where you'll end up. Some examples mess with your head: 'If you wish you may open the window. Do not open the window.' Some are inadvertently beautiful: 'Little grass is smiling slightly, please walk on the pavement.' Some verge on philosophy: 'Danger comes soonest when it's despised.' But whatever the effect, a chuckle is never far away.

A final word of caution. Amused as we are at other nations' fumblings with our language, we should never forget that their English is infinitely better than our Thai/Polish/Vietnamese. Indeed, sometimes it's better than our English!

Room for Improvement

Qatar: Please do not use the lift when it is not working.

Paris, France: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Bucharest, Romania: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Africa: You may choose between a room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country.

Amalfi, Italy: Suggestive views from every window.

Zurich, Switzerland: We have nice bath and are very good in bed.

In hotel cloakroom, Berlin, Germany: Please hang yourself here.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

Left your values? Good. You may now proceed to your room where yet more delights await...

Ethopia: To call room service, please to open door and call Room Service. Please call quiet, people may sleep.

Italy: Please report all leakings on the part of the staff.

Shanghai, China: It is forbidden to play the recorder in guest rooms.

Budapest, Hungary: All rooms not denounced by twelve o'clock will be paid for twicely.

Hamburg, Germany: It is our intention to pleasure you every day.

Tokyo, Japan: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

T'aipei, Taiwan: If there is anything we can do to assist and help you, please do not contact us.

Seoul: Measles not included in room charge.

Weifang, China: Invisible service is available for your rest being not disturbed.

Seoul: If you wish, you may open the window. Do not open the Window.

Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Yugoslavia: For schedube and programmes of theaters as well as the tickets for all the types of performances, please, consult (he hall parter).

Brunei: Please keep shutters close or monkey make you crazy.

Ankara, Turkey: Please hang your order before retiring on your doorknob.

Tel Aviv, Israel: If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food.

Madrid, Spain: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, cry out for the chambermaid.

On hotel television set, Belgrade, Serbia: If set breaks, inform manager. Do not interfere with yourself.

Leipzig, Germany: Ladies, please rinse out your teapots standing upside down in sink. In no event should hot bottoms be placed on counter.

Indonesia: Someday laundry service.

Cairo, Egypt: On September 30, winter timing will start. As of 12:00 midnight all clocks will be forward one hour back.

Tokyo: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Japan: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Athens, Greece: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Acapulco, Mexico: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Gaspe Peninsula, Canada: No dancing in the bathrooms!

Japan: Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: Visit the hairdresser in the Sub Soil of this Hotel.

Kuantan, Malaysia: Lobby shop: Found in the lobby.

You'd think that if there was one thing on which hotels would make themselves clear, it'd be their fire procedure. Think again...

Florence, Italy: Fire! It is what we can be doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down, everywhere, a prayer always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

Finland: If you cannot reach a fire exit, close the door and expose yourself at the window.

Vienna, Austria: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Japan: In case of fire, try to use the fire ex-ting wisher.

London, UK: All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before any fire.

Lost in Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad, by Charlie Croker is published by Michael O'Mara Books Limited