Parenting expert Helen Brown, author of Parenting for Dummies (Wiley, £14.99), joined iVillage for a chat

My son is biting

My son is almost three and has bitten me, my husband and his sister. This has only happened a few times over the last year and each time he got a very stern telling off which reduced him to real tears. I thought we were getting through to him.

However, last week, while at my mum's house he bit his playgroup friend. My mum intercepted just as he made contact and the friend wasn't hurt, nor even realised he was going to do it. They weren't even disagreeing over anything! As far as I know, this is the first time he has bitten anyone outside the family. I have really tried to nip this in the bud but obviously not succeeded! poppins2

Helen Brown: Please don't worry! Lots of toddlers bite. To them, it's no different to hitting and pushing and yelling, although I know it seems much worse to us.

At this age, biting is usually all about frustration. His playgroup friend probably had a toy he wanted but he didn't know how to ask him for it, or he asked but his friend didn't want to share and he felt impatient and cross. You're doing the right thing by making it clear that it's not a nice thing to do. Keep going! I bet you anything this is just a phase that will pass. And, as your son's language, communication and social skills improve, he'll put away the fangs for good!

Is thumping a boy thing?

My question concerns the throwing and thumping, usually in good spirit that we get from my two-and-a-half-year-old son. He is lovely and it is rarely something he does in malice but more in fun but it ends in tears (his and his older sibling's) so I am wondering how to deal with it or if I am dealing with it effectively.

Today at mums and tots he did thump back in self defence and as he did so said 'Oooops, I am sorry' several times. I told him not to thump but to tell mummy if he was thumped. I also told him if he thumps we will go home but at the end of the day he does need to survive and stick up for himself! At home we have a firm rule of no throwing unless it is a ball and then that is only allowed outside.

It worked with my daughter, now five, but my son doesn't seem to understand this! Everyone tells me it's a boy thing but to me that's kind of dismissive. Although I can definitely see a difference between his behaviour and his sisters and she is a tomboy! Cl-flowermum

Helen Brown: I'm probably going to get shot down in flames now but, as the mum of three boys, I really do believe that boys are more physical and 'thumpy-throwy' than girls.

That doesn't mean they're nastier or less cuddly, they're just different. I have a no throwing/kicking rule in my house. The only exception is for a soft small ball and to get that, they have to ask first and then go and play with it somewhere where there's nothing breakable!

But, for days when we can't get out (always my first option), we do have other slightly more physical games in the house, like soft skittles and magnetic darts and skipping ropes because I've learnt over the years that they just have so much energy to expend. They're like puppies really: give them a good walk/jump-around every day and then they're adorable.

As for the thumping, that's a bit different and you're right to deal with it as you are doing. I find that showing over-the-top concern for the 'thumpee' is a good tactic: he'll soon learn that thumping gets him no attention and so isn't really worth repeating.

Coping with shyness

When she's at home she chats to me all the time but often whispers to me if there is someone else in the room. She's been like this for the past two years although when she was aged three to four she would happily chat with lots of adults. She's an only child. My behaviour was a bit similar when I was little and I would just 'look through' people. How can I help? mossstitch

Helen Brown: I don't think you need to worry too much about your daughter. Not only is shyness very common among schoolchildren, it's particularly common at this age.

At about seven and eight, children start to think a little more subtly about differences between themselves and others, and quite often judge themselves pretty harshly. They also start to pick up on ideas like being embarrassed or saying the wrong thing or making a fool of themselves. And that all fuels a sudden shyness, particularly in front of adults they don't know so well.

Do try not to label her as shy, though. In awkward situations when she won't speak, don't say, 'Sorry, she's shy'. Say, 'She's a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm sure she'll come and chat when she's ready.' This way, you're taking the pressure off your daughter and giving her a way in when she's relaxed a bit. The pressure thing is key. That's probably why she won't talk to her friends while you're there. It's because you are (without meaning to) looming over her and expecting her to talk. I bet if you rooted around in your handbag or started talking to someone else, she'd relax a little and start chatting away.

Sorry, I don't mean it to sound like you're some kind of ogre; you're clearly not! It's just that sometimes our children feel a little daunted by our expectations (I know mine do).

I've got a biter!

My daughter is nearly 18 months old and bites me. I can understand why she does this when she's angry (it's actually quite funny when she gets cross and is looking for something to sink her teeth into) but it's the other times I don't get. We'll be having a cuddle and she'll bite my arm or shoulder really hard, often bruising me. Every time she does it I say a firm 'no' and put her down.

She knows she's done wrong as she hangs her head and will then (sometimes voluntarily, sometimes prompted) say sorry and give me a kiss. She also always rips my glasses off my face and now when I say 'no' she points her finger at me and says 'no' first. I think she's got the finger pointing from her daddy as I don't do that.

Anyway my question is, why me? She doesn't do this to anyone else. Also, people keep telling me her volcabulary is very advanced for her age. She's been able to do all her animal noises for a good three months and can sing the tune and passable words to Twinkle Twinkle, Bah Bah Black Sheep, Three Blind Mice and Ring-a-ring-a-roses.

How can I find out if she is vocally advanced and what, if anything, does this mean? stinny

Helen Brown: It's easy to get upset about biting - I know I did. My firstborn used to sink his teeth into anyone and everyone. It seems so shocking and horrible, doesn't it?

But the thing is, to a toddler, biting is no different to pushing or screaming or hitting. They tend to do it when they're frustrated by something and they don't yet understand that we adults see biting as being particularly aggressive and horrible.

And don't forget that it's wasn't so long ago that they were babies and used their mouths to explore so much of the world, chomping, sucking and chewing everything they could get their hands on.

You're right to tell your daughter she's wrong to bite and putting her down is a good physical demonstration of that. As long as you keep doing that - and take care not to let it become a game or a way of getting your attention - the message will sink in, eventually. I'm only sorry that your arms and shoulders have to suffer until then!

In answer to your other question: she does sound very verbal, which is lovely, but it's hard to say how much you can read into it. Children develop different skills at different ages and they keep catching up, overtaking and overlapping each other. Keep talking to her and having conversations/sing-songs and focus on really enjoying her verbal progression - it's a lovely stage. Oh, and incidentally, children tend to bite less once they can talk more!

Defiant three-year-old

I have three children (and one on the way). Hope is six, Josiah is three and a half and Tobias has just turned two. My problem is with my middle son.

Josiah has always been a very stubborn, strong-willed child. From very early on it was clear that Josiah would do whatever it took to get his own way. Over time we've found ways of coping with his behaviour, negotiating when appropriate, and at times just having to put a foot down and tell him 'no'.

Recently it has got much worse. We've tried 'time out', removing privileges, taking toys away and not allowing him to watch his favorite programmes, but it really does not seem to work. His latest trick is just completely blanking whatever we are saying to him, he will just turn his back and pretend he can't hear a word. I make him turn around, get down to his level and speak to him, but he just takes no notice. Again, this results in a time out to think about it, but it only works for five minutes until the next time he refuses to listen to me.

It's got to a point where his siblings don't want to play with him, the games always have to revolve around him or he has a tantrum. You can imagine the affect this is having on family life, it just seems like we are in constant conflict with him. He knows the rules, he just will not follow them.

He's a lovely, sweet, affectionate little boy who we all adore, but his stubbornness and defiance is making life so hard for all of us, mostly him, because he seems to spend his life being told to calm down, listen and do as he's told. He's at nursery five mornings a week, which he loves. He's just as stubborn there, although not badly behaved, he just makes it clear that he wants everything to be HIS way. hopesmummy

Helen Brown: Sounds like Josiah is testing you all at the moment! First off, let me reassure you that three and a half is THE age for stubbornness and defiance, so you will not be the only mum in the country dealing with this!

Also, it often happens in larger families that the ones in the middle feel a bit squeezed of attention and opt for dramatic or defiant behaviour as a way of grabbing the spotlight. Add to that the fact that the realities a new baby on the way can shift or unsettle the dynamics of a family quite a bit and you can see why Josiah might be behaving as he is.

I do think you've been doing all the right things, though, which must be very wearing, what with your pregnancy and with your other children to look after, too.

I wonder whether it's worth trying completely ignoring him: he clearly wants to be noticed and he's finding that if he acts up, he gets loads of attention, even though it's mainly negative. Next time he turns his back, leave him to his own devices and find something really interesting to do with the other children. You may find he creeps back towards you all - in which case, do heap on the praise - 'I'm so glad you've come back, Josiah. Do come and play with us'.

Maybe it's also worth finding a 'special' job for Josiah to do with you - anything from getting the milk out of the fridge at breakfast time or clearing the plates to feeding the cat. Something only you and he do - really lay on the 'specialness' of it and how helpful and clever he's being.

I do wish you luck. I know how hard stubborn children are to live with at times. If it's any consolation, at least you know he will make his own decisions in later life and won't be persuaded into stuff he knows he shouldn't do by his circle of peers. And that could be a very good thing!

Fibbing three-year-old

My three-year-old has recently started fibbing. For example, he fibs about whether he's been to the toilet and if he touches something and it moves, he instantly says it wasn't him. It is worrying me that a child this age would tell lies to his own mother. I thought that only teenagers did this. What do you think I should do? If I ignore the fibs will he stop doing it, or will it become a bigger problem (at the moment he only fibs about silly things, nothing major)?

My other son (age five) has never fibbed to me. He's 'Mr Honest' through and through. merith

Helen Brown: Your son and mine have the same peeing-fibbing problem! How weird is that? I've worked out that, with my son at least, it's because he just can't be bothered to do it! If I actually go up to the bathroom with him (which is a mighty pain) and stand there while he does it, all is fine. But leave him to his own devices and he says he's gone when he clearly hasn't. Could this be what's happening with your son? He is only little still and they do get so distracted.

As for the actual 'fib', I don't think it counts as an actual lie because it's not done with malice or even any real effort to deceive. All he's doing is trying to cover up a mistake or avoid your disapproval, which is not quite the same thing.

I suggest you do what always seems to work for me: offer him a chance to come clean. Say, 'I don't think that's true, is it? What really happened?' And then make sure his (eventual) honesty pays off. Make a big deal of thanking him for telling the truth and say how happy you feel now that you know what really happened.

Coping with nightmares

My best friend's four-year-old daughter has been having terrible nightmares. She wakes up screaming and crying most nights and is convinced there are monsters hiding under her bed and ghouls behind the curtains. She's only comforted by coming into her parents beds. What's the best way to deal with nightmares? I've been trying to reassure my friend that it's just a stage, but perhaps you've a few ideas of things she could try to help soothe her daughter. tarabear

Helen Brown: It is just a stage. Nightmares do tend to start between the ages of three and six, and tend to come in patches - every night for a week, then nothing for months, for example. Having said that, there are plenty of things your best friend can do to help soothe and comfort her daughter.

First, she should take her fears seriously, without making them worse, of course! Dreams about monsters and ghouls and so on are quite normal and are generally sparked off either by something the child has seen on television or read in a book.

So, don't tell her she's being silly but do tell her you're there to keep her safe. If she thinks there are monsters under the bed, don't make them more real by pretending to chase them away. Tell her instead that monsters only exist in films and books, so you know they're not under her bed, but you'll just have a look to make quite sure.

If she's scared of the dark, give her a dim nightlight or leave a light on outside her bedroom door. And wind down slowly to bedtime. No exciting DVDs or noisy games; just lots of calm talking, cuddles and gentle stories.

The most important thing of all, though, is that your friend stops her daughter coming into her bed. Not because it's 'bad form' but because her daughter needs to think of her own bedroom as a safe place.

So, when she wakes up from a nightmare, go to her quickly and reassure her. Stay calm and quiet (don't put the light on) and let her talk to you if she needs to. Turn her pillow over (to turn the bad dream away) and tell her she's safe and everything's okay. Stay with her as long as it takes for her to settle back down. You may have to comfort her for quite a while at first but, over time, you'll find she drifts back to sleep much more easily.

Angry and frustrated

My little boy Jenson is now 19 months old. He has a relatively wide ranging vocabulary and when he's out and about people always comment on what a smiley boy he is.

However, when we're at home he is increasingly angry. When he can't do something or get his own way he screams a loud frustrated roar of anger and bites the nearest thing to hand as hard as he can. Previously this has been a toy and he'll bite down hard on to it as he screams. Recently though it has been his hand or my leg or daddy's foot.

He is going through a separation issue which we thought had resolved itself months ago and now my husband and I can't so much as go to the bathroom without tears and tantrums. If he hasn't got constant attention he pulls my hair or tries to gouge my eyes out and turn my face towards him.

Where has my funny and loving baby gone and how do I help him? I feel helpless when he's like this as I can't console him or help him with it. elli2307

Helen Brown: Poor you! It sounds like you?re having to deal with a lot.

I think Jenson may be entering his 'terrible twos' a little early. His angry behaviour sounds very like toddler tantrums to me. And at this age, as you rightly say, it's all about frustration. He's desperate to do things for himself but he can't or doesn't know how. He wants things done in a certain way but hasn't got the words to tell you so.

And all toddlers do it, to a greater or lesser extent. If it's any consolation, my oldest boy once lay on the floor and screamed for 22 minutes (yes, I did time it!) because I took the top of his yoghurt pot for him!

It would take me too long to write down all my tantrum tactics but my top tips are:

• Stay as calm as you can. He's not doing this to get at you or to be naughty. He's just being a toddler
• Try to anticipate the tantrum triggers and step in quick. Think about when the tantrums happen: when he's tired? When he's hungry? When you're in a rush? When you're talking to your partner? And come up with ways to deal with each situation before he has a chance to get stroppy
• Distract him. You can often avert a tantrum before it starts by doing something silly or pointing to something incredibly exciting out of the window
• Check he's understood you. Tantrums sometimes happen when a toddler doesn't know what he's expected to do. Get down to his level, look him in the eye and repeat clearly and simply what you want him to do. And then say, 'Come on, let's do it together!'
• Ignore screaming. Nothing deflates a tantrum more quickly than a lack of an audience
• Don't give in or he'll keep doing it. But do offer him a way out, either by distracting him, if that's possible, or by finding something else for him to do.
• Give him a hug when it's over. He's probably scared himself silly

Toilet training worries

My daughter Amy is two years and five months old and I don't feel she is wholly ready for toilet training. We've bought her a potty and we've had it downstairs but she won't tell us when she needs to use it. She'll either sit on it all the time, or not use it at all. Even with a nappy on, I ask her if she wants her potty and she says no.

What else should I look out for that she's ready to toilet train? madcatlady

Helen Brown: You're right, Amy doesn't sound ready for potty training. And, at her age, that's definitely not unusual. So leave it. Don't bow to pressure from anyone else. Trying to potty train a toddler who isn't ready is a damp and dispiriting business. I would never potty train a toddler unless I could tick off all of these:

• She's over 18 months
• She can say 'poo' and 'wee' and knows what they are
• She can follow simple instructions. Such as 'put the toy in the box'
• She often has a dry nappy an hour or so after you last changed her, or after a nap (a sign of increased bladder control)
• She can pull down her trousers and pants
• She knows the parts of her body and can point to them when you ask
• She's happy to sit on her potty

The signs are even better if she doesn't like being in a dirty nappy or likes things in the right place (lining up the toys on her bed, for example).

For now, though, keep the potty in the bathroom and casually suggest she sits on it before her bath. One day she may fill it by accident and, you never know, that may inspire her to take things further.

Feeding an almost one-year-old

My 11-month-old is determined to feed himself, making meals very long and messy. He stuffs weetabix, pasta, anything he gets his hands on, into his mouth! I want to encourage him to use a spoon or am I being too ambitious? Do you have any tips on how to help a baby use a spoon?

Also, at the moment he has three bottles a day. Should I drop the afternoon one now and give him a snack instead? tarabear

Helen Brown: The thing to hang on to, as you sponge yoghurt out of your hair, is that your son is enjoying his food. He may be flinging it everywhere but at least he sees meal times as fun and he's actually keen to eat. When he?s a fusspot toddler, you'll look back at these days with envy.

To preserve your sanity and to increase his chances of getting food into his mouth, I would suggest two plans of attack:

1. More finger foods. Make him mini sandwiches, vegetable sticks, chopped up sausages, fruit segments, cheese cubes. And just let him go to it with his fingers. Not only is it less messy, it will improve his fine-finger control, which will, in turn, help him use a spoon more accurately when he needs to
2. Give him a spoon (and take cover). Put newspaper under his highchair, bung him in a big bib, and make sure his spoon is child-sized with a biggish 'bowl'. You may want to hold the plate or pot for him so it doesn't slide about everywhere or even use another spoon yourself to make sure at least some food meets its target. It'll be a 'splatathon' for sure, but he's only going to learn by practicing. Do make sure you cheer, whoop and applaud all successful plate-to-mouth transfers. You need to keep mealtimes fun.

As for the bottles, the accepted wisdom is that, at 12 months, a baby only needs about 600ml (breast, formula or, from one year, cow's) milk a day. And that's including all the milk on his cereal and milk used in cooking and other dairy products, such as yoghurt and cheese. If you think your baby is getting more than that, then think about dropping one bottle. If it's any help, my three were all down to two feeds a day by this age.