The first weeks or months of parenthood are not always a bed of roses. Kate Long, author of The Bad Mother's Handbook, gives some candid truths about early motherhood

I would never claim to be an expert in parenting; I have no medical qualifications, I have written no childcare books. I have, however, managed to produce two kids. Twice now, the mad fools have let me walk out of hospital with a baby to take home and keep. I remember all too well that shell-shocked feeling of 'Oh God, what now?'

So here's some advice from someone who's struggled through and come out the other side, albeit with smudged mascara and a belly that looks like a nasty old bit of sponge. Put the musical cot mobile on, re-position your V-shaped cushion, and listen for five minutes to your auntie Kate.

Your bits
First off, don't go round apologising for your figure. I know you're feeling vulnerable and self-conscious, but your body's had an important job to do and you are not Stretch Armstrong. It will take ages, and I mean months and months, before you begin to feel something like normal.

Cast aside thoughts of post-natal Liz Hurley and Madonna parading round in their skinny jeans: these women have nothing to do with your life right now. And if I catch you fretting over Heat magazine I shall be very cross.

Your partner
Is there a dad about? If so, 'big him up' immediately. Dads are only as useless as you tell them they are, so use 'descriptive praise' to reinforce good and helpful behaviour: 'You're so fantastic at getting baby to settle' or 'Gosh, how amazingly fast you are at changing nappies!'

It's worth milking the advice too, about needing to take it easy after the birth until daddy's established a nice bath time routine. And why not? It's a well-documented fact that fathers benefit from being actively involved with baby care, and you might get 20 minutes precious shut-eye out of it. Everyone's a winner. Back off and let him get on with it.

The truth about crying
When an adult screams it means trouble. But for babies, ordinary yelling is just another form of communication. It's okay to leave a baby for a few minutes while you sort yourself out. And what if the crying is going on and on and it's been a very bad day?

In my first novel, The Bad Mother's Handbook, new mother Charlotte receives this gem from her dad: 'When that baby of yours cries, you'll want to run straight to it. And that's fine most of the time. But there'll be some days as he's screaming away that you can't cope and you will think you might throw him out the window.

'Well, at times like that you just change his nappy, try him with a bottle, get him burped and then you leave him. Close the door, go downstairs and you have a cup of tea. Nobody phones the police, God doesn't strike you with a thunderbolt. You give yourself five minutes and then you go back. And if you're really lucky, he'll have gone to sleep.'

Go on, give it a whirl. I shan't tell.

When I had my first
Everyone will have advice for you, from doting grandmothers to complete strangers. Take on board only what you want to. No two babies are the same and what's worked for one mum might not work for you.

Personally, I found breastfeeding way easier than messing about with sterilising bottles so I did it mainly out of laziness. But my mother-in-law had terrible trouble with it and had to give it up as a bad job, and then felt needlessly guilty for years afterwards, which is a real shame.

Do what you can to get through and listen out for short cuts. Patterned sleep suits and blankets don't show stains; you can fit in a set of Kegel exercises while you're doing a feed; a changing mat on every floor of the house saves you having to trail up or downstairs every time baby starts to pong. These are the kind of tips worth taking notice of.

There will be days when you feel like running for the hills, most of these days end in a Y! But hang in there because the time when your baby is small really doesn't last very long, and sooner than you can imagine you'll be looking back at those days with nostalgia. Enjoy the cuddles while you can, and let the rest 'go hang'. I promise you, you won't go far wrong.

The Bad Mother's Handbook, based on the bestselling book by Kate Long, is now available on DVD from ITV DVD.